Village win by 95 as Seasick Steve Issues Guitar Up Your Arse Threat as Integrity Questioned

"I got those, 'not over the fucking line bastard' blues...."

Billy Shite at the Parks for the Daily Sporting Arse, reporting on the Mighty Village taking on Black Lapthorn.

Shorn of Dayer and the Hoobard, it was hard to imagine that the average age of the Village line-up could go up but go up it did with the inclusion of WG Clive and Seasick Steve who have a combined age of about 170. Also making a (welcome) return is Spaul who will be tinkering with his average. He has to settle for a place at No.3 in the batting order with the Guru and Tommy 49 facing the new ball. There is a rumour kicking about that Tommy 49 was arrested at the Rose Bowl for streaking across the pitch and a further rumour that he may try a re-enactment later on today. The Village had to deal with a last minute team change as Mick the Sprayer dropped out due to lack of Viagra and therefore, Seasick Steve retained his place after initially being savagely jettisoned.

As he Skip was standing there in his pants at the time of the toss, Spaul called and won and the Village went into bat. After a relatively tight first over, on came the Blake Lap Skip who had been working at the little known Bakery Division of Blake Lapthorn all day, making pies.... now it was time to serve them up. The Guru, who has been known to be partial to the odd pie, smashed 4 in a row to the boundary, endangering spectators who had their back to the game, watching the other one.

The next 2 overs brought another 20 runs with Tommy 49 getting in on the act and smashing the hapless skipper for 6. Even the Village Skip would have made a bowling change at this stage on the grounds that no one could be any worse and you never know, mixing it up just might work....but they persevered for another 4 overs with the same bowlers and so at the 8 overs half way mark, the Village were 81-0 and no one had even looked like getting out.

Due to his expert strike manipulation, the Guru was first to 50 as the change bowlers came on and served up more pies, a slightly different variety of pie but nonetheless, a pie. It did look for one worrying moment that the Guru was on for a century and would therefore be officially unbearable but, sensing the impending despair that would cause to all, Tommy 49 began to take the strike himself and duly went ballistic, going from 46 to 76 in 8 balls.

Looking round for inspiration, the Blake Lapthorn skipper handed the ball to someone playing in a lab coat who looked like he had one leg about a foot longer than the other and so the carnage continued. Controversial incident ahoy in the 12th over as the bowler completed his action and held onto the ball, running Tommy 49 out when backing up. Umpire Kevmac seemed unsure what to do until Sergeant Major Mackem came roaring over to explain the rules in words of one syllable. In granting a reprieve, the umpire removed the threat of a battery of short pitched bowling when the Village were in the field.

Meanwhile on the Village bench, the Skip was taking his pads off again and trying to persuade WG Clive to put them on but he was having none of it. Spaul was waiting intently, wondering how he was going to rein in this totally alien, 11 runs an over rate that his team were scoring at. Spaul thought he was going in for one ball when Tom, needing two sixes off the last two balls to get 100, skied one and to make a bad day even worse for the Blake Lap skipper, he watched on as his fielder stood under it for a minute before not even getting a touch. A single off the last ball and that was it with the Mighty Village finishing on 181-0 with Tommy 49 on 88 not out (including 5 sixes and 8 fours) and the Guru on 82 not out (including 82 singles)... actually it was including 13 fours. All the Blake Lapthorn bowlers finished with no wickets for loads.

Jeweller de Vito and Mackem Rob started the Village response against Turnbull, the bloke who could bat who they hid down the order last time and an awkward looking bloke who didn’t look like he had a clue. Irritatingly though, the awkward one kept out balls that looked destined to smash his stumps down and though he looked like he was batting with a broom, the breakthrough wouldn’t come in the first 4 overs. On a hunch, the skip brought on Kevmac and he cleaned up Turnbull with his second ball. It look like brilliant captaincy but then you consider that Kev has taken so many wickets this year, it’s a bit like Ricky Ponting throwing the ball to Warne or McGrath.

Mackem Rob tried desperately to improve his averages in the face of total domination and humiliation by Jonjo but after three overs of bad luck was replaced by the Ginger Magician himself, back on the ground where he took a hat-trick with the last three balls he bowled in a straight line. Before JJ could start on his latest exhibition of right arm filth, Kevmac chose the second ball of his over to knock over another batsman and judging by the stance of the incoming No.4, we were now into the tail. JJ into the attack and he started with the predictable big legside wide before being wided again 3 times for balls that were all completely ok. After an hour we got to the end of that over and Kevmac knocked over another two in his next over, with variations of the dead straight wobbly ball that they miss.

At 43-4, JJ came up with his over of genius which makes you think that he should bowl an over as a warm up. Six unplayable deliveries with two of them shattering the stumps of batsmen who seemed resigned to their fate in the eye of the Ginger Whirlwind. Seasick Steve came in from the boundary to congratulate his son with a rather curious ‘what have I created?’ question. You should have thought about that 20 years ago Seasick.

Lookie imparted spin from one end as he replaced Kevmac but the danger was from the Ginger end as JJ moved further ahead of Mackem Rob in the averages by knocking over off stump again. A muttered ‘shite gets wickets man’ was all he got in congratulation from the ever generous Northerner. The Blake Lapthorn captain was in now, looking to improve his day and to be fair, he did manage to smite a four off of JJ before causing controversy by basically calling Seasick Steve a liar and demanding a 4 when Seasick had clearly stopped the ball inside the line. What’s the point mate ? you need 120 to win off 4 overs? It's ironic that Blake Lapthorn are a firm of solicitors.  How do you plead, not guilty, hang him.

Lookie stuck one up him anyway with that classic spinners weapon, the arm ball. He bowls it, the batsman knows it not going to spin and then he misses it anyway. In came Polly, the girl of legend from the last match and Lookie very ungallantly chucked a beamer at her head first ball. In an eerie echo of that previous meeting, the Skip had a stumping opportunity off her second ball faced but declined to take the bails off. What’s the point, the umpire wouldn’t have given it.

8 wickets down and three overs left to get the last 2 and it was time for Spaul to rejoin the ranks of the bowlers and buy a wicket when Polly larruped one up in the air to where the Guru pouched the catch. In came the No11 who looked absolutely terrified when faced with the guile of Seasick Steve. To be fair, he did take the pin out before lobbing the grenade and the batsman swatted it up into the air. Time stood still as Seasick Steve and Tommy 49 both called for it not and the chance was gone. Seasick could have had a bowling average of 1 ball, 0 runs, 1 wicket but not to be. The remaining grenades got smashed for a few cheap runs through the ridiculous field with two slips and about 5 other people within 3 yards of the bat.

Last over and one wicket to go with Lookie Spin being the option chosen. With all men around the bat, the first three balls passed with the No11 blocking it out, offering only a sniff of a catch to Mackem Rob who was virtually standing on the wicket before the ball was bowled. Ball 4 kicked up, took the edge and flew past the Skips ear before he moved. Nearly a catch and nearly a trip to hospital. Another dot ball and so to the last ball which was down the leg side and missed. The Skip bizarrely appealed that it was a wide and the umpire agreed, giving the Village one more ball which Lookie didn’t waste, clean bowling the No11 to close the Blake Lapthorn innings on 86 all out and so the Mighty Village won by 95 runs, picking up maximum points in the process.

So, a large win for the Village and on trundles the Juggernaut to next weeks tricky visit to the LCG and a game against Knowle Village.  Tommy 49, Guru, Lookie Spin and JJ Fox are all off on a cricket tour where they will spend all evening waiting for Jonjo to pull and then spend all night listening to him knocking one out.  The Mighty Village will attempt to prevail, even though it could mean recalls for some very dodgy players.  until next time, this is Billy Shite signing off fro the Hoglands Drying Out Tank.

Tom, just before getting thrown out of the Rose Bowl