"We must raise awareness for the victims of minefields"
Billy Shite
here at Riverside Park for the Daily Sporting Arse to report on the Derby game
to beat all Derby Games…. The Shire versus The Village. Like most great sporting rivalries, this has
an odd origin, beginning as it did in a titty bar in Thailand. Andy Wort (or ‘Worty as he’s known to people
who can’t be bothered to remember his first name) fell off a ladyboy and did
his back in, meaning that he had to retire from playing for the Mighty Village
due to their stringent fitness standards.
Once rehabilitated he decided that he didn’t need those Village Bastards
and started his own team; Southamptonshire.
As The Village fell on hard times and started again from the bottom
league, The Shire rose ever upwards until today when they finally met in
Division 3. Parts of the above story may
be true.
Riverside
Park has always been one of the dodgier pitches in the league and there are two
pitches there, one with a ravine across the square and one without. The last time we played here it was such a
minefield that Princess Diana had brought a film crew down to draw attention to
it and raise money for the victims. So,
it was nice to find that we were on the pitch that doesn’t have a ravine in it
and is traditionally, the flatter of the two.
Worty and the Skip walked out and surveyed the ‘greener than green could
be’ strip – Worty won the toss and decided to bat under moist, “dark by 7.30”
skies.
The Village
team showed two changes from the Vespasian Vikings Cup Fever win with The Hux
and Barry Shipman the Legend making way for Shagger Blackwell and Clive. Never before can Clive have been part of
bringing the average age of a team down.
The
Jeweller started off with a maiden but there were two byes on the board due to
ridiculous bounces that left the keeping Skip floundering around behind the
stumps. Spaul kept up the good work and
the third run was also a bye as a pitched up delivery took off and flew over
the Skip’s head. Ridiculous and
dangerous and can Skip borrow a helmet please?
There then followed a delay while the non-striker dressed himself for a
few minutes before the other opener aimed an ugly swipe at Spaul’s next ball
and was bowled as the steady drizzle came down.
The Shire
were already beginning to feel the pressure of not having many runs, caused by
tight bowling and decent fielding from all, especially Clive who was giving his
wanking hand injury a good workout in stopping a succession of balls in
ungainly falling over fashion. Having
spent all that time dressing himself, the other opener tossed his wicket away
by taking on Tommy 49’s arm and being comfortably run out by the Skip as he
attempted a 2nd run. The
Jeweller had been spanked for a couple of fours, one of which had been expertly
dodged by Geoff in the field as he did a kind of Ali shuffle as it went past
his foot. Geoff was on by now and making
up for his fielding by going for 2 runs an over and even Jonjo’s right arm
filth was landing on the explosive wicket and causing all sorts of bother. That man Edwards was in the thick of the action
in the field and the ball was following him which is not what you necessarily
want. On the bad side he spilled a
fairly straight forward chance which would have given the Ginger Magician a
wicket but he did manage to stop one fierce drive despite running backwards,
turning his back, shutting his eyes and doing the Ali shuffle. Textbook.
The score was up to 36 and the man was at it again and Geoff bowled the
more aggressive of the Shire batsman behind his legs.
The one
remaining worry for the Village (aside from having to bat on this pile of shit)
was the Shagger Blackwell was ropey in his last bowling performance. Today though he was on fire with the batsman totally
unable to read the unusual run up and stop-start delivery. The new batsman flashed at one and was
expertly pouched by the Ginger Magician at point in a moment that vaguely made
him look like a cricketer. The Jeweller
returned, Geoff switched ends and Shagger was unplayable and so The Shire
limped on to 66-4 from their 16 overs.
Quick wickets
were needed for the Shire to have any chance of success but they disobeyed the
basic rule of playing on a shocking pitch and either pitched too short or
overpitched and you can’t do that with the Big Dog when he’s ravenous and the
runs did flow including a massive straight 6 which was some shot. Tommy 49 was settling in and playing some
lovely shots at the other end with his serene progress only interrupted by The
Big Dog surprisingly and unexpectedly running a 2. It was only a surprise until you realize that
it was the last ball of the over and there was the strike to steal.
Worty
captained from the front in the face of the onslaught and brought himself on
and Tommy swatted him away for a couple of boundaries. As the finishing line approached, The Big Dog
latched onto a Worty full bunger and creamed it. It was going like a missile and the daft bugger
on the boundary tried to catch it, nearly lost a few fingers in the process and
it went for four anyway.
The scores
were now level and Tommy 49 hoofed one up in the air and was caught to bring in
The Guru, on this, the day of his 49th birthday. One play and miss and one drive for a 4 and
it was all over and Happy Birthday to You, Guru.
And so the
Village sent their opponents back to The Shire with their tails between their
legs. This is a short match report but
then again, it was a short match as the Village won it with nearly 8 overs to
spare. The jokey offer of a beer match
was turned down in favour of going to the pub – how times change. It was
a comprehensive demolition which was always on the cards once The Big Dog and
Tommy 49 had survived the first few overs.
The Shire will be back and they will have two more opportunities to put
The Village in their place before the season is done with another League
fixture and a Presidents Cup Quarter Final clash. The bowlers won it for The Village today with
fine efforts from all five bowlers used but in particular, credit to the Ginger
Magician in particular who was surprisingly “not shite” for the second game
running. The Big Dog and Tommy 49 batted
superbly to get the Village up to what could have been a small but testing
target. It was a committed display by
the Village with that commitment to the cause being personified by Barry
Shipman the Legend who turned up to perform 12th man duties, despite
having just had a tooth out – no anaesthetic, just a hammer and chisel. He’s a legend you know.
Next up for
the Village is a visit to new territory and Turnpike Way to play new opponents
in Hedge End Jams. The Village are
building up a head of steam with three wins out of three but this promises to
be their hardest game yet. Bring it on…
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