15th Over: 9.20pm: Big Betty steams in Out of the Trees
In thundered the Jeweller to the Kerala captain who, off the third ball, smashed it for a straight six which really should have been an eight as it went so far. The five minutes spent looking for the ball were spent rearranging the field by the Skip and the remaining 4 players not looking for the ball. Tactical move ahoy as Kevmac was brought on to open up at the other end as he was still scarred by the thumping he got off of Big Betty the last time these two sides met. The Jeweller and Kevmac contributed tightish overs and a half chance for Tommy 49 in the deep which he didn’t pick up soon enough. First bowling change with the Jeweller being removed after pleading to come off and now it was time for Mackem Rob to steam in.
His first over was a dream as he fired Yorkers in at the batsmans legs before his slower ball did him all ends up to bring the first wicket. The next ball really should have brought another wicket one way or another as Mackem Rob appealed for lbw as the ball slammed into the Skip’s chest as he forgot to use the big glove things. ‘Not Out’ was the verdict and the batsman happily chuntered away that he’d hit it, not making the Skip’s mood any better as he’d now officially dropped a sitter. As we were to find out later, this batsman wasn’t the most trustworthy.
The next Mackem over was again going well and some pressure was building on the Kerala batsmen but a 10 yard throw from Tommy 49 sailed over his 6 foot 1 wicket keeper for 4 overthrows and then a lucky deflection off a pad shot along the ground and past the flailing Skip for 4 more. An eventful over continued with a flick off the legs to where Spaul would have been if he didn’t have his Heather Mills prosthetic leg on which wouldn’t bend enough for him to go forward six inches and catch it.
Lookie Pace was on at the other end and was having radar difficulties on his first over and giving Skip nightmares behind the stumps by firing down the leg side. The umpiring rule of thumb seemed to be that if the Skip stopped it down the leg side, then it was a wide and if Skip missed it then it wasn’t a wide, regardless of how wide the ball actually was.
It was all happening for the Mackem boy and the batsmen who the Skip had dropped earlier tried a kind of hook shot and clearly top-edged on straight into the Skip’s gloves. Umpire says Nooooo. Of course, it is up to the umpire to give him out and if you’re to batsman, you have no obligation to walk off. I think you do however.... when your own team is umpiring and you are waving the bat above your head and quite clearly smash it. The heart monitors in the nearby
Lookie was on fire in his second over as he found his range and the run rate was slowing thanks to the bowling but also thanks to some excellent fielding with the Hoobard being like a magnet to the ball in the outfield and Jeweller de Vito sweeping up behind the Skip who was having a mare.
Lookie Pace’s fine spell of bowling got better in his third over as the remaining opener tried a wanky improvised reverse sweep thing and got bowled before the poetic justice occurred when the batsmen who’d caused it all to kick off was superbly caught in the deep by Mackem Rob, putting into context his abysmal drop from last week. Did you hit that one?
Joy at the wickets was tempered with the arrival of Big Betty but there was more Village joy in Lookie Pace’s next over as the other batsman holed out to JJ Fox who sprinted in with his distinctive running style and claimed the knee high catch. Owing to both Lookie’s fine performance and a bit of a fuck up in captaincy, the last two overs had to be bowled by two new bowlers with Spaul taking No.15 and restricting them to 6 and then JJ getting stitched up with the last one and going for 15 with one four being edged by Big Betty over the Skip’s head and the last ball of the innings giving us the chance to survey the majesty of the Guru’s tunnel technique on the boundary. 136-5 and a gettable target.
Dayer and Tommy 49 made a careful start and it was notable that Dayer was running like a cricketer between the wickets and not like Douglas Bader. The big man clearly saw this as a challenge and he seemed determined to drill a hole in one particular fielder on the boundary who was disappointingly proving to be up to the job and stopping everything. It couldn’t last though and a boundary bobbled through his legs which ushered in carnage with both batsman beginning to see it well and crash it around.
As happened last week, desperation for a wicket brought funny lbw appeals, made even funnier by the fact that they were expecting Mackem Rob to give them. The bowler asking the umpire why he hadn’t given one as he’d appealed 4 times, kind of tell you all you need to know. Why is it not out?.... because I say so!!!
90-0 with both batsmen on 40 and playing very well, Dayer smelt a pint or a pie or needed a piss and went beserk with four fours and a six onto the golf course. The ball was taking longer and longer to be retrieved by the Kerala fielders and all was looking pretty good for the Village aside from the fact that it was 9pm and already pretty dark. Tommy 49 was now struggling to see the ball and so we arrived at the 15th over with the Village on 120-0, Big Betty to bowl.
First ball to Dayer… golf course for 6 and again the ball took ages to come back. 2nd ball and his off stump was flattened with an attempted repeat. As the Guru came in it was going to be interesting to see if a new batsman could pick it up with Betty bowling from the end with a nice background of very dark trees…. Nope, bowled first ball and in comes the Skip to face hat-trick ball. He didn’t actually move as the ball hit him but he survived anyhow…. Next ball, bowled. It was good bowling to be fair but you could understand why Stevie Wonder never played cricket.
Kerala then bowled the first ball of the last over with a bowler who wasn’t allowed to bowl any more. ‘Sorry’ they said, ‘hmmmm’ said the Village as he was replaced after another predictable delay. The Jeweller faced a couple and got bowled as well bringing in Lookie Pace to try and smash 8 off the last 2 balls which became 6 off the last ball to win. Hampered by what was by now, complete darkness, he swished and missed and so Kerala had won by 5 runs.
Kerala celebrated like they’d won the World Cup and the Village sucked it up and shook hands through gritted teeth. There are a number of reasons and turning points as to why this game slipped away from the Village but they did take too long to bowl their overs which is something you have to get on with if you’re going to be batting second. This pales into insignificance when you compare it to the Guru letting a 4 through his tunnel legs – if he hadn’t have done that we’d have only lost by 3. Anyway, you win as a team and lose as a team but it's the Guru's fault... and Jonjo's of course and Geoff's even though he wasn't playing.
The good news for the Village is that 4 wins from now to the end of the season all but guarantees winning the league so it’s in their own hands. On paper, the most difficult game is up next against Carnival who appear to be in a bit of a false position in the league due to all their games against either Kerala or the Village being rained off. No Village players were available for interview after the game as it was so late they were worried about the bar being closed.
This is Billy Shite for the Daily Sporting Arse at the Theatre of Trees, in the fucking dark.
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