Wardy Fumes as Village Slump to Shit Defeat

 

Wardy is Not Happy

 

Billy Shite here, reporting for the Southern Daily Arse, live from one of the iconic cricket venues of the Western world, Sports Centre Pitch 2 in the cold and the rain. 

 

The Mighty Village arrive with an unchanged team which is fair enough following last weeks win.  At the time of the toss, there was sunshine and with the B&Q skipper calling incorrectly, The Skip decided to bat.  Straight after that decision the weather changed and it pissed down for 5 minutes meaning that Jamie the Beautiful and Tommy Tantrum strolled out to bat on a wet track, surrounded by wet outfield.  Jamie was not looking as beautiful as normal as he turned up without his kit and amusingly as he’s small and perfectly formed, borrowed kit off of The Skip and the Big Dog, the two biggest blokes in the team.  So, looking like a kid whose just been presented with random cricket gear in a shoebox appeal – Jamie went out to bat. 

After a delay for the late arrival to get off the pitch and wait for the end of the over, a succession of proper cricket shots followed which brought one run each when usually it would have been 4.  Tommy was mixing proper shots in with the odd big fucking mow with his eyes shut when if his bat got to within a yard of the ball, he was doing well.  Jamie had progressed beautifully to 22 before being hit on the pad in the pumbiest lbw ever and the umpiring Skip couldn’t not give it.  If he’d known what was to come later then he wouldn’t have given it if all three stumps had been on the ground.  Tommy was up next as he missed a big mow to a ball that was unfortunately straight.  The Big Dog and Stovell kept things ticking over until The Big Dog neded his innings just as it was getting going by spooning a big leading edge / toe ender up in the air and being caught.  Pakey, smarting from his demotion below the Ginger Prince in the batting order immediately showed what he was about by mullering a full toss for 6 before, in another umpiring mishap, there was a dead ball as the bowler bowled before the fielder was back on the pitch and on the re-bowled ball, Pakey was cleaned up.

Spaul came in to partner the Ginger One and the singles and 2s flowed with the Mighty Village finishing on 106-4 with Brocky not getting a bat after being padded up for 5 overs.  Maybe he would take out his frustration with some severe pace bodyline bowlng.  Or maybe not.  The mighty Village attack was going to have to bowl better than last week to keep them below 106. 

It’s always amusing when one opposition umpire is umpiring from both ends, especially when he’s standing about two feet outside the line of the stumps in an obvious display of not having a clue.  Then you had the square leg umpire who was standing one the line of the stumps, rather than the crease.  Neither could understand English when they were told.  With both the openers looking decent, it was fucking scandalous when the older slower opener was run out by miles and the square leg umpire didn’t give it.  Being charitable, I guess it’s hard to tell from where he was standing. 

Wardy struck to remove one opener as he clipped it straight to the Big Dog who was grazing at mid wicket and luckily, did not have to move.  The other opener was making the most of his 2^nd Innings but the scoring was being restricted by Brocky and Wardy aside from the occasional full bunger which disappeared.  No sign of a wicket though until Rhino came on and landed one on the grass which beat him all ends up and bowled him which was the only way we were going to get him out.  Great team player he was as he bowled, then batted, then pissed off before the end.  The new man in highlighted that the first 4 batters had been the first 4 bowlers so maybe there’s a clue as to the non-decisions and the abysmal umpiring. 

It looked for a minute that the Village were going to win it with 20 required off the last 3 overs but a couple of big hits over the cow and a comedy attempted catch by Tommy Tantrum changed all that and despite a comedy run out when the scores were tied, it was plain sailing for B&Q as the darkness and the rain came in and they won with an over to spare. 

In his post match interview, Wardy suggested that there may have been cheating fuckers in the opposition and the post match pub debate centrered on ‘cheating or clueless’ and if there really was a difference.  We tried to grab a word with the Skip but he only saluted with his middle finger.  The Village should not be over concerned with this defeat though as they definitely got a raw deal from the weather and some rather questionable umpiring.

Next up the Village are at another Test standard ground at Turnpike Lane which is always criminally overlooked for Ashes Test in favour of Cardiff which is a shithole where it always rains.  Hedge End Jams stand in their way as they try and get the season back on track.

This is Billy Shite, Sports Centre Pitch 2, In the Fucking Rain.