Ooh look, I've Hit the Top of Your Off Stump, Again!
Billy Shite of the Southern Daily Arse, live from the
Lordshill Methadone & Syringe Cricket Ground where today there is a top of
the table clash between Ordnance Survey and the Mighty Village. No prizes are handed out at the halfway point
of the season but this is a big game and the Village have revenge in mind
having been beaten off the last ball in the first game of the season, which was
seen as a World Cup Final by a certain wide-assed member of the victorious
team.
The need for revenge was obviously lost on some though as
many found other things to do on his fine Thursday evening and as a result The
Village only had 10 players with a number of bowlers missing in the shape of
The Fake Sheikh, Sergeant Sunderland and Rhino Connor. In the batting line-up there was the biggest
of big holes in the shape of the Big Dog.
Tommy Drop took his ‘agree to play and then drop out’ streak to 4
matches which is worth a name on the Honours Board alongside Mick the
Teeth. The Village were:
Jimmy Silverspoon, The Hick, Iron-pumping Meredith, Spaul
the Impaler, Fox Piss, Skip, Luke Malinga, Danny de Vito, Geoffray Bentos,
Seasick Baz, TIM (The Invisible Man)
Fresh from his starring role in Jewel of the Nile (which I
saw on TV last week), Danny de Vito steamed in to bowl off his 2 step run up
and after two dots, smashed down the leg stump third ball. Sadly it wasn’t Bunter who was out but the
other opener who looked somewhat confused as to how he missed it. In came Azharuddin who showed his intend by
driving the main man for a 4. Spaul at
the other end was showing marked improvement with his bowling after last week
when he was affected by joggers nip and the runs weren’t flowing at all for
Bunter who played out a maiden – it’s not so easy playing against adults is it?
Two overs from de Vito and then the first bowling change saw
Geoffray Bentos given a twirl and he deduced by using all of his 45 years of
bowling experience that a half tracker on leg stump was the way to go. Bang, fetch that. Four, four, four. It didn’t matter whether it was Steak and
Kidney, a Cheese and Onion or a Beef pie – it all went the same way. With Spaul keeping it tighter than The Big
Dog’s whites at the other end, surely the second Bentos over would be more on
the money and it was as it only went for 26.
He persisted in his tactic of trying to buy a wicket with some more leg
theory half track filth in his third over and the chance the Village had all
been waiting for since the end of the last game against OS, happened as Bunter
edged and with the sound of clashing cymbals so loud that it could have been
heard above the whole of the London Philharmonic, the Skip shelled it. Aaaargh! Of all the people to drop. A single off the next ball brought Azharuddin
on strike and he too was surprised by the ball outside off stump and edged to
the Skip who this time held on. Cue
appealing and celebrations and an unmoved umpire and a batsman who clearly knew
he’d hit it. There’s always that moment
when you expect the batsman to do the right thing and when he doesn’t, there’s
that moment when you’re quite relieved that Sergeant Sunderland isn’t playing
but then you think that actually, this bloke deserves to be called a cheating
bastard. What really wasn’t required at
that point was Bunter helpfully advising the Skip that he’d a have walked on
the one the Skip dropped. Maybe if there
was a fucking Mars Bar in the covers then he might have done.
Spaul finished his decent spell with another tight over
which was only slightly messed up by a wonderful bit of spastic penguin
boundary fielding as Jonjo ran right, then left, then did some sort of ballet
pirouette as the ball sailed between his hands and went for 4. Azhar was intent on making the most of the
fact that he was a cheat when Bentos came back on for his third over. The Spaul-Skip Brains Trust concluded that
you can’t put fielders in the clouds so were powerless as more leg filth
disappeared for 6 twice. Next ball it
was all over though as Bentos persisted with the leg side long hops, smash and
it came down on the line on top of Meredith who made no mistake. The stump mic clearly picked up someone
saying “Did you fucking hit that one?”.
As Bunter had managed to wheeze and sweat his way up the other end
whilst the ball was in the air, he trundled a single to bring the new man on
strike and he managed to toe end a catch straight to Spaul at short mid wicket
who couldn’t find a legitimate way to get out of the way so he caught it.
There was an awful moment just before the match started when
the Skip realised that he only had 4 of his regular bowlers here and there was
no real choice but to bowl the Ginger Magician.
The moment had now arrived and the Magic Man declared he was about to
impart spin on the ball. I think it’s
technically ball tampering to rub Fox Piss on the ball but there was turn and
in all truth, the bowling wasn’t bad. It
was time for some Malinga at the other end and aside from one leg side pearler
which the Skip used to demonstrate that fat slow wicket keepers can still dive
around, Bunter was kept to scratching around for runs. The new batsman was a bit of a stereotypical
cocky youngster and he played a totally pre-meditated reverse-scoop thing but
connected well and slapped it for 4 and fair enough.
With de Vito returning to finish off and the slog about to
start, the youngster didn’t pile in, as
a bit of inwards drift accounted for the top of off stump. Didn’t fancy playing a reverse scoop to that
one then? A relatively tight Ginger over
passed before the balding star of stage and screen got two wickets in two balls
as both Bunter and his replacement were cleaned up in identical fashion, top of
off stump, lovely. The hat-trick ball
was about to be bowled and Barry, being the legend that he is, had come up into
a leg slip catching position about 5 yards from the bat and was obviously going
to rely on his cat-like reflexes to snaffle the chance should the ball get
smashed at him. It didn’t and OS
finished on 122-6.
The Army Killing Machine of Hick and Silverspoon opened the
Village innings but the opening bowlers were firing blanks at them and very wide
blanks at that. It had been surmised
during the break that OS had 3 good fielders and a couple of average ones,
mixed in with some who were more likely to snap a hip then get the ball in
quickly. Big Jimmy Silverspoon
immediately dibbed a single into the covers to one of the decent fielders who
was so surprised by the stiff upper lipped temerity of it all, that he missed
it.
With the laboratory generated offspring of David Luiz and
Ryan Sidebottom bowling from the other end, there were no real alarms for the
opening pair and so the chuntering in the field started by Bunter. If he was worried about losing quickly then
he shouldn’t have been as I’m sure the chip shops are open at 8pm. The Killing Machine progressed nicely along
for the first 7 overs going at 8 an over, usually by nudging 1s and 2s and then
hitting a 4 off of the last ball, just when OS thought they may have a tight
over on their hands.
It was all looking easy and the game was trundling towards
an inevitable Village victory until Silverspoon went walkabout and was
triggered by Umpire Bentos which brought in Meredith who like a complete pikey,
had turned up without his gear and had nicked the Skip’s mercifully rarely used
bat, which he used to keep the score moving on in watchful fashion. At the other end, Hick was showing no signs
of missing his fellow Officer and smashed his way past 50 as some of the change
bowling was rather to his liking. The
second wicket pair took WES virtually to the finish line but with three overs
and five runs to go and with Azharuddin on to bowl, Meredith drove one straight
at mid off to depart for 8 and then Hick managed to get out off the next ball,
top edging and getting well caught in the gully.
The new partnership of Spaul and the Ginger Magician steadied
the ship and Spaul heroically let Jonjo take all the strike and knock off the
remaining runs required with two overs to spare.
As the Village trooped off victorious, Bunter was overheard
sportingly congratulating the two Village openers on their fine knocks but as
the gushing worse on, it became apparent that he was fishing for a compliment
back which was expertly ignored by Silverspoon in particular. Jolly well played Sir.
Next week, the Mighty Village return to the Centro Dello
Sport where they will all walk four miles from the car park and then play
against BAT who may or may not have Eddy Grant opening the bowling. Whoever they have though should be fearful as
the Village have just beaten the league leaders and are on the march with 4
league wins in a row and a hunger for more and talking of hunger – The Big Dog
is back next week. Until then, this is
Billy Shite for the Southern Daily Arse.
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