Village in Unchanged Team Shocker

Mike Finds Amusement in Being 12th Man

With momentum building as the season goes by, the Village name an unchanged team for the first time ever.  The players in form have been selected again and talented players are left carrying the drinks.  Thousands of women will be gutted at the news that Mick the Teeth will not be on the field despite being available.  Mick the Head is happy as this means that he won't have to share.

This is the only opposition that the Village have yet to play this season and beating all of your opponents in the first round of matches is a pretty good way to set out your stall.  The Village have previous in this area having beaten everyone in the first round of Indoor League Matches one year, only to lose 4 out of the 5 return matches with many hissy fits and much bear throwing.

So, get along to the Sports Centre for a 6.30 start to see the bangwagon gathering pace as The Mighty Village take on the Knowle Village, currently sporting a record of two wins and two losses.  Last time up at the Sporty, the Village chased down an imposing score of 40, in much the same way that Sri Lanka didn't against England.  The West End Saints XI not taking anything for granted will be...

1 Tommy Drop Richards
2 Steve Dot Paul
3 Colin Dayer
4 Sean the Guru, is it you ?
5 Sperm Sprayer Head
6 Glen de la Skip
7 The Hoob
8 Jonjo and his Wanker Sign on the Retreat
9 Phil (not Paul) The Jeweller
10 Lookie 'Guru only does shit fielding off my bowling' Blackwell
11 Supermac

COME ON THE VILLAGE !!!!

Jonjo's Fighting Spirit Shows the Way for The Village

Jonjo Gets Mad

Billy Shite of the Daily Sporting Arse, here at Hoglands Park for the fourth game of the Village Odyssey in Evening League Division 5.  It is threatening to be a case of Juggernaut v Hedgehog as both teams went into the match with a 100% record – the Mighty Village having won all their matches, Blake Lapthorn having not.  In true ‘what the fuck’ evening cricket style, there was a massive barbeque going on behind the bowlers arm on one pitch but luckily, the Village were on the other one – the outfield populated merely by vagrants and students.  Seasick Steve was present in the crowd and all was well with the world.

Having won the toss, expertly carried out using their own coin at their captains insistence (I shit ye not!), Blake Lapthorn decided to bat and out strode a very confident looking chap who sent Spaul into a panic and the words ‘he used to play in the Gold League’ came floating from the mouth of the nasally challenged one.  The Jewellers second ball was despatched to the boundary in classic fashion by the Golden Boy to where JJ went to retrieve it from a spectator who decided to be a twat and throw it the wrong way.  A quick 4 lettered verbal retort from JJ was followed by ‘wanna make something of it ?’ to which JJ ran off to get the ball, giving the Internationally recognized sign for masturbator as he went.  Eventually the ball ended back with the Jeweller whose next ball was sliced by Golden Boy, straight to the Guru at square leg – bye!!!.

All-the-Gear-and-No-Idea was next in and he survived one ball before losing his middle stump and so the Jeweller had made a mockery of the decision to bat first on what was obviously a poor wicket which would flatten out later on like all these immaculately prepared tracks.  Six balls later after the first Kevmac over and it was 7 for 4 as he bowled one bloke who I think must have had rickets and induced another to scoop up in the air for the Jeweller to pouch one of those running catches which can make you look silly if you put your foot in a hole – unlike when you’re sprinting across a beautifully manicured outfield like this one.    At the end of the over, JJ sprinted in to ask if he could be moved as the bloke he had the confrontation with was still out there.  The stump mic picked up The Skip saying “No” followed by “fuck off back over there”.

The Jeweller had one over to take the remaining 6 wickets and he failed to do so, just getting the one wicket as Tommy Drop took a straightforward chance in the covers, as straightforward as the one off a hat-trick ball which he made a total bollocks of a couple of weeks ago.  Kevmac’s second over passed in wicketless fashion and disgusted, the Skip banished his two strike bowlers to the outfield to be replaced by Lookie and the Hoobard.  The Hoob, fired up against his former employers, kept it tight aside from one ball which was a Dawn French ball - short, wide and ugly.  Lookie was bowling in his usual way, with no stock ball and no stock run up which kept everyone guessing including the Guru in the outfield who was doing a decent impression of a tunnel as ball after ball went straight through him.

The score was creeping up towards some sort of respectability as Blake Lapthorn had cunningly hidden someone who could hold a bat, down the order and  I think Nigel used to be his bee-atch when he worked there.  He was at fault however when he took a run to Tommy Drop who combined with the Skip to complete the run out of his partner for yet another duck.  Taking a quick run to one of the young lads is pretty stupid – if he’d taken one to one of the crumbly/fat/both old buggers or to Mikey Sperm Sprayer and his power arm, then fair enough.

Despite no further confrontation on the boundary, big bad JJ was brought into the attack and pinned back the incoming captain with some chin music.  ‘Helmet’ was the call from the middle and JJ thought someone was insulting him again.  The parents in the Village team all nodded knowingly as they were reminded of when their kids were 5 and learning how to dress themselves  as the captain put his helmet on, took it off, took his gloves off, put them back on and then put his helmet back on.  Civilisations have risen and fallen in less time than that.  JJ fired in a yorker which skidded along the ground and the Skip decided that big gloves and pads were not the way to go and that his ankle was the thing to use to stop it.

A partnership breaker was needed and so back came Kevmac to pull off a remarkably casual caught and bowled by standing there with one hand in his pocket and using the other to pluck the ball out of the sky.  In next was that curiosity of evening cricket – the girl.  There are two schools of thought here – you can either say ‘she’s playing in a mans game and therefore no mercy’ or you can take the possibly slightly patronising approach and say ‘slow down a bit boys’.  Alternatively, you can say what JJ says which is not printable, even on the internet.  What shouldn’t happen however is what happened next.  Kevmac couldn’t reduce his pace without throwing it backwards so that wasn’t the issue here.  The lightning quick stumping by the Skip wasn’t the issue here.  The fact that she was a mile out of her ground wasn’t the issue here.  The ‘not out’ decision ‘because she’s a girl’ is the issue here.  This direct quote from the umpire was in response to an angry question posed by the Sperm Sprayer who almost always reaches eruption point with a girl in proximity.

It was funny however when she spanked the Jeweller to the fence after he’d steamed in from his long run with fire coming out of his nostrils.  She was left high and dry a couple of overs later as Nigel’s former beaster was cleaned up by the returning Lookie and JJ finished the job, pinning the last man lbw who looked at the umpire forlornly from his position of two inches in front of his stumps.  She was also let down by the fact they only had 10 players and the request for someone to go back in was politely refused by Spaul who has manners and it’s a good job they didn’t ask anyone else.  Blake Lapthorn finished on 71 all out, about 40 more than they would have got if the Belevolent Village had kept the foot on the throat.

Having paced their run chase to perfection to reach 40 last week, the Village were confident of making the 72 required to preserve their 100% record.  Golden Boy came steaming in, intent to wreaking maximum damage and Dayer treated him with contempt, swatting him to the fence.  The Guru, intent on making more runs than he let through his legs in the field, played the role of junior partner as Dayer, emboldened by The Skip’s request to ‘win it before it pisses down’ got on with it.  Golden Boy fizzled out, Helmet boy bowled pies, Nigel’s fag bowled ok and All-the-Gear-and-no-Idea steamed in from the boundary and then bowled massive long hops which were flayed to all parts.  Highlight of the batting effort was the Guru hitting a classic cover drive for four to where The Skip was standing behind the boundary, until he fell backwards in slow motion over a bag in true Charlie Chaplin fashion.   Derision was also heaped on a fielder who walked over the boundary before throwing the ball back and didn’t signal that it was a 4.  Totally coincidentally, he was the umpire in the ‘girl’ incident.

The Village cantered to 72 for 0 off 10 overs to win by 10 wickets.   There are 5 other teams in this division aside from the Mighty Village and 4 of them have now been dispatched.  The next in line are Knowle Village so we have a bit of a Village battle on the cards.  Sadly, Jonjo’s opponent was not waiting behind the changing rooms at the end but JJ knows he’s up in front of the Village disciplinary committee (Mackem Rob) in a few weeks.  Can you imagine…”How do you plead you Guilty Ginger Bastard?”…

Onwards and upwards and Come on the Village and the final words go to the Hoobard who when asked if he’d exorcised some demons out there, just replied…. “Bastards”.

Billy Shite
Daily Sporting Arse
Hoglands Refuge for the Lost and Bewildered.

Grudge Match for Nigel

Blake Lapthorne.  Two little words which provoke rage inside mild mannered bowler Nigel Hubbard who used to work for them.  He’s promised to give us a Churchillian pep talk before the game which will help us to thrash the opposition to within an inch of their lives.  Our opponents lost their first two games (against Kerala and Knowle Village) so Nigel has every hope that we will smash them into the dust.

A couple of changes from last week with Colin Day and Luke Blackwell returning in place of Seasick Steve and Rob Saunders who has gone drinking.

Our team is:

1 Colin Day
2 Sean Tongs
3 Tom Richards
4 Steve Paul
5 Mike Head
6 Glen de la Cour
7 Nigel Genghis Khan Hubbard
8 Jonjo Stovell
9 Phil Jewell
10 Luke Blackwell
11 Kev McCarthy

6.30 at the Parks.  Will we be on the pitch with the persistent skateboarders or will we be on the pitch with the students having their picnic.  If it’s the latter then we send Mike over to clear them off as none of them will want to get pregnant and he probably teaches half of them.

So, will Nigel spank Blake Lapthorne or will they have been Making Plans for Nigel... (anyone under 40 won't get that)

Come on the Village !!!!

Seasick Steve in Thrilling Run Chase Drama

Yo, I'll Play..

Billy Shite for the Daily Sporting Arse, here are the Sports Centre for the clash between the undefeated Village and HCE which probably stands for something but I don’t know what it is.  The Village made 3 changes with Dayer playing in a Over-50s match (as opposed to a 50 overs match), Geoffrey going on an Club 18-30 holiday and Lookie getting some brownie points by going to pick him missus up from somewhere.  Their replacements were the returning Mackem Rob and the Jeweller and it would have meant a first appearance of the season for TIM (The Invisible Man) but luckily, Seasick Steve had turned up to watch so he was roped in for his debut, wearing his traditional denim boiler suit.

Following a heated text debate with the Skip who was stuck in traffic, Spaul won the toss and decided to field first.  The Skip arrived in time, panting and wheezing as he got changed, instructing The Guru to take residence behind the stumps.  Spaul took over teamtalk duties with the Jeweller being left close to tears by Spaul’s fiery assertion that he should bowl better.

The first use of the Sports Centre track is always interesting as you have the element of surprise and what a surprise it was when the Jeweller pitch one on a length which spat up and hit the batsman on the shoulder.  Obviously disconcerted with the steepling bounce gained by the Jeweller, he airily wafted at the next ball and was comprehensively cleaned up off the last ball of the over.

Mackem Rob fired in an over to make batsmen fear for their safety before the Jeweller returned to hit the stumps again which meant that for the second time in two weeks, the mighty Village had a bowler on a hat-trick.  The field was set and the ball was bowled and prodded up into the air towards Richards in the covers.  “CAAATCH IIIIIIIT..... WANKER!!!” as young Tom jumped, then landed, then the ball arrived, in, out, down.  Mild mannered Jeweller went green and burst out of his shirt whilst young Tom was consoled with laughter and name calling from his team mates.   The bowler was still green when he cleaned up another bowler at the end of the over so after 3 overs, HCE were 20-3.

Tom was made to feel slightly better with the first ball of Mackem Rob’s next over as he gave up just holding up one end and decided to come to the party when he flattened the stumps of the previously reprieved batsman and the Village were sensing the kill as just one run was added for the further loss of another wicket when the Guru snapped up a straight forward chance behind the stumps to leave HCE reeling at 21-5.

Seeing as HCE were completely in the sht, it was a surpise to hear sledging in the field.  This could mean only one thing, that Jonjo and his headband was about to bowl.  Having mercilessly talked up his hat-trick last week to Mackem Rob, he was on a hiding to nothing  as he sent down a 9 ball over of assorted rubbish with every passing wide accompanied with a ‘Gimp’, a ‘twat’ or a ‘bell end’. By comparison, Kevmac was economy personified at the other end but must have wondered what was going to happened when a false shot flew towards Tom in the position where the Skip had hidden him – there were scenes of great joy when he caught it.

There was some magnificent fielding going on at this stage with at one point, a five throw relay of the ball back to the bowler with no one dropping it.  Seasick Steve was flying round the field like madman, turning ones into twos but basically plugging a gap in a much better way than TIM would have been able to.

Shaun Pollock came into bat but mercifully, the comparison was in looks only as he couldn’t tell one end of a bat from the other and he was quickly removed by Kevmac, striking timber in his next over.  Ginger battle had been averted and JJ finally managed a straight ball in his 3^rd over to bring in the No10, who was the last man and was female.  Charging in like a rutting stag, fluttering his eyelashes, JJ totally failed to get her out as did the Hubbard with an over of right arm penetration.  They left it for Kevmac to claim the final wicket when a simple catch as held by a player I didn’t see as I was off latching at the passing joggers at the time.  HCE finished on 40 all out, the target was set, now for the run chase.

A somewhat arbitrary batting order was selected for the run chase with the theory that a small total should be attacked in order to get to the pub in the shortest time possible.  In went the Skip with Tom to put plan A into effect.  With the score at 1 and in the second over , the Skip – playing his first game on grass for 5 years,  played the line but unfortunately, the delivery rolled along the ground, took a bottom edge and crashed into the stumps.  Two weeks in a row where an opener has got less than 1.

In came Mike the Sperm Sprayer and Mackem Rob invited controversy from his umpiring brief when an HCE fielder stopped a cut shot by Tom by the boundary before sliding into the boundary fence, through it and down the bank whilst still holding the ball.  He didn’t signal a four and so one wasn’t given.  With the Sprayer struggling to hit the ball using his unusual technique, Tom tried to move things along and played all over another one which kept slightly low to depart for 11.

11-2 and cometh the hour, cometh the Spaul, to join the Sprayer for one of the most unexciting passages of cricket that I have ever witnessed in all my days.  Even the birds had given up and fucked off as the half way point of the reply was reached with the Village on 18-2, meaning they had actually managed to get behind a run rate which at the start of the innings was a massive 2.5 per over.  The Sprayer was trying his best, trying to larrup every ball and failing, whilst Spaul was trying to run him out.  Short form cricket makes players very inventive but I wonder if the Sprayer tactic of backing away from the slow bowler and then missing it will catch on in the higher echelons of the game.

Sperm Sprayer eventually sprayed one back to the bowler and was out for 11 to bring in The Guru of Hythe, at which point, Spaul finished the job with only the second boundary of the innings for the Village to win by 7 wickets with 9 balls to spare, thus increasing their winning run to 3 games with Spaul not out 19 and The Guru not out 1.

Out of all the run chases I have covered in my journalistic career – this was definitely one of them but a combination of Speed, Red Bull and Prozac kept me awake long enough to see it through.  A successful run chase is a successful run chase, whether you are chasing 400 or 40.  Granted, one may be a bit more exciting than the other but if you reach the target then the end result is the same.  Today’s effort would have sent the spectators running for the hills or for the Doctor but the Village are not about entertainment, they are like Charlie Sheen and are about winning.  The Hubbard has informed me that next week is definitely about winning as the Village are up against Blake Lapthorne who he used to work for.  So, come along to the Parks are brave Skateboarders, drunks, pimps and Mikey Sperm Sprayers College Girls and watch the mighty West End Saints attempt to get to 4 out of 4.

COTV!!!

Billy Shite
Daily Sporting Arse
Theatre of Trees

Footnote:  Suggestions that I put up a Gary Glitter picture were vetoed by the editor and besides, no one wanted it on their Google profile that they'd looked him up!!!

WES take 100% record into HCE match

Roll on up to the Sports Centre for the third match in the Village quest for domination of Division 5.  For this match against HCE who have won one and lost one so far, WES have a relatively young side out which is inevitable with both Colin and Geoff missing.  More reinforcements from overseas with the inclusion of Sam Page and we have a battle for the new ball with Rob Saunders returning to try and wrench the ball off of last weeks hat-trick hero.... Jonjo and his headband.

Excuses for being absent this week are holiday (Geoff), playing in a Hants Over 50s match (Colin – rumours that the players have to be over a certain weight have been denied) and domestic strife (Luke)

Team is:

1 Tom Richards
2 Sean Tongs
3 Mike Head
4 Steve Paul
5 Nigel Hubbard
6 Glen de la Cour
7 Sam Page
8 Jonjo Stovell
9 Phil Jewell
10 Rob Saunders
11 Kev McCarthy

A rumoured appearance from Mike ‘the Teeth’ Edwards is now only two weeks away.  Expect scenes reminiscent of Beatlemania.

Come on the Village!

Ginger Magician Stars in Village Romp

Hat-trick for JJ and his Headband

Billy Shite here for the Daily Sporting Arse at Hoglands Park where the Mighty West End Saints take on Carnival in the second game of their quest to bring glory back to the Village.  Carnival, resplendent in their matching kits, obviously all paid for out of a Corporate budget, looked a good team before a ball was bowled but would smart flannels translate into a good performance where it mattered, on the field of battle.

The Village line up saw the return of Mike Head so expect there to be a spike in the amount of girls who got pregnant just by walking through the park that day.  Also making his debut was Tom Richards, bringing the quota of overseas players from Hythe, up to five.  The Skip was in traffic and so coin duties passed to Spaul who proved himself the king of the tossers by winning and deciding that The Village would bat.

Fresh from his sparkling 40 last week, Dayer expertly left the first ball, being as it was, 8 feet wide of off stump.  Umpire Kevmac generously decided to let the bowler have that one so he adjusted his line and bowled the next one a mere 6 feet wide of off stump.  Feeling that he could reach this one if he tried really hard, Dayer stuck out the mighty willow and guided it straight to a fielder.  A great start – 0.2 overs, 0 runs, 1 wicket down.  In came Spaul with a rescue mission in mind and he immediately showed more aggression than usual by getting a 2.  Richards at the other end was not getting much of the strike and was struggling to hit it off the square when he did but he can be excused as in Mark Nicholas’ pre-match inspection, he described the track as ‘complete shit’.

The increasing pressure was released by some interesting Carnival fielding when with WES having completed a run and just standing there, a fielder about 3 yards away would throw at the stumps, miss and give a couple of overthrows away.  Carnival didn’t learn from the mistake and repeated this two or three times.  Spaul was dashing and daring and Richards was watchful and the score was trundling along before a sudden change and the batsmen swapped as Richards started timing the ball all over the park and Spaul batted like Stevie Wonder in the dark.  Overthrows, wides and no balls were coming at a frightening rate and the Carnival players, through dressed nicely, didn’t seem to understand that just because you actually pitch one that is near enough for the batsman to reach it, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s lbw if he misses it.  Tantrums and bear throwing and more wides later, Richards had progressed to be in sight of the first Village 50 of the season and got there with a straight six which is just showing off really isn’t it.  The watching newly pregnant women were delighted a minute or so later as Spaul’s forward defensive push span back behind him and hit the stumps so he departed for 32 to bring in the Guru of Hythe who had little time to show his subjects the art of batsmanship.  Richards ended on a very well made 59 not out and the Guru was 3 not out.  The Village ended on 128-2.

Carnival began their reply and The Skip sprung a surprise (which often happens as he doesn’t know what he’s doing) and opened with the gentle wobblers of Kevmac who was impeded by the blinding low sun which was directly in his face.  Kev’s combination of flight, guile and having his eyes shut was too much for the opener who, with an inside edge on his stumps, departed for 2.  JJ charged in like a madman from the other end and was quickly edged for two fours to the short boundary where the Skip should have had two fielders instead of just Dayer who was still sulking after his marathon innings.  His second over saw one of the worst umpiring decisions I have ever seen in 20 years of covering cricket for the Daily Sporting Arse when a JJ full bunger was hit skywards and caught by Lookie, only to be given as a no ball on height when it was about a foot off the ground.  Fear not though because Supermac returned to tempt the reprieved man into holing out to Spaul on the mid wicket boundary who didn’t see it quickly enough to get out of the way.  The reason for the strange umpiring decision to reprieve the opener became apparent at this point as Carnival had no one else who could bat.  Lookie took centre stage at this point, firstly taking a good low catch to reward Geoffrey for bowling a complete pie and then clean bowling two batsmen who didn’t realise where off stump was.  Dayer was given an over out of sympathy and despite joining Geoffrey in bowling pies, clean bowled another very smartly dressed Carnival employee.

The return of the previously unlucky JJ was next and what an inspired decision by the Skip.  Firstly an LBW from a highish full bunger which would have been a no ball with the previous umpire.  The new batsman walked out looking very smart, faced one ball, got bowled, smartly turned around and walked off smartly.  JJ on a hat-trick and the field was up – two slips, a gully, gathering darkness, a bowler on fire – what could go wrong?  Clean bowled and the first Village hat-trick since Mike Head’s first visit to New York, New York.  It was nearly 4 in 4 as the next ball was edged just in front of the Skip behind the stumps but if it had carried, he would have missed it anyway as he was having that sort of game.  In response to his girlfriend watching, Hubbard (pronounced Hoo-bard) was given his first bowl for 5 years and responded with an over that nearly finished off both him and the game.  Back came JJ, fired up and trying to bowl too fast and the tenth wicket fell off the last ball with a yes, no and a smartly dressed man falling over half way down the track.

Two out of two for the mighty Village and though I’m sure there will be sterner tests tests ahead – there won’t be any that are as smartly dressed.  More team changes next week as Dayer, Kevmac and Geoffrey are unavailable so we’ll see who turns up for this rag tag bunch of Villagers next week.

Billy Shite, Hoglands Park

2nd Game Preview

The Village roll onto the Parks for the second game of the season against Carnival.  Two changes to the team have been made with the savage dropping of the opening attack with Phil Jewell and Rob Saunders the men to make way, to be replaced with Tom Richards and Mike Head who, as long as he hasn’t had any more children since last week, will be making his first appearance since the good ‘ol days.  Carnival were in Div 4 last year and got relegated to Div 5 so who knows what we shall face.  I haven’t played on Hoglands Park for 4 years so I expect to find that the square has been immaculately manicured in the meantime and all the drunks and potheads have been kept off it.  Is The Angel still open ?

Team is:

1 Colin Day

2 Tom Richards

3 Steve Paul

4 Sean Tongs

5 Mike Head

6 Glen de la Cour

7  Nigel Hubbard

8 Jonjo Stovell and his Headband

9 Luke Blackwell

10 Geoff Edwards

11 Kev McCarthy

Can the Mighty Village make it 2 out of 2 ?

 

WES in Solid Start Shocker

Billy Shite of the Daily Sporting Arse here and welcome to the Theatre of Trees that is the Southampton Sports Centre for the first instalment of West End Saints 2011: The Return of the Village. The line-up had an unfamiliar look about it with several players having defected (Worty), disappeared (Hammy, Dougie, The Great Raymondo, Dave Boy Green, Shagger) or retired (The Master) since the last time West End Saints were in Evening League action. Fear not, Dorian Faulkner, Mick the Teeth and Mick the Head are still around but just not playing today.

The Skip had had the usual serious issues getting a team together, starting the day with 11, then 10, then 11 again, then the replacement didn’t fancy it after all and finally... 11 due to the miracle of unlimited texts. Division 5 beckoned for the reconstituted Village and the men to take on Kerala were:

Dayer, Ying Tongs, Spaul, Old Mother Hubbard, JJ and his Headband, Skip, Phil the Attack Leader, Geoffrey, Luke, Mackem Rob, Kev Mc

The Skip lost the toss and Kerala opted to bat in the dark that would be arriving at about 8pm – maybe they thought the floodlights from the houses two miles away would light up the square.

Out went Dayer and the Ying to bat on a typical undulating minefield no-rain-for-a-month wicket and for the first over they looked like two men trying to play cricket with their eyes shut. As we all know, form is temporary and class is something no one in Division 5 has but Dayer moved through the gears from reverse to first and played some proper cricket shots which the rest of the Village didn’t recognize. The Ying was finding it harder going but had to step up when Dayer holed out on 40, to the one Kerala player who looked like he could catch.

The Ying was joined by Spaul and between them they worked out that the quickest way to score runs was to leave it and let the keeper miss it before running a couple of byes. Spaul put together a series of aggressive singles and the Ying began to connect with some of the more filthy bowling coming his way, obviously inspired by the batting advice he was getting from Mackem Rob who was getting bored with umpiring. In the last over the Ying was surprised with a straight one and departed lbw for 44 to bring in the Hubbard who with a swish, swish, miss, departed off the last ball of the innings for a duck. Spaul was undefeated on 20 and the Village had made 118-3 off of their 16 overs.

Phil the Attack leader steamed in off his long run up of two feet to deliver a barrage of dot balls to put Kerala on the back foot straight away. Pressure was relieved though by Mackem Rob who overpitched his first two balls before seeing them disappear to the fence or rather through the hole in the fence and down a hill. Once he sorted out the length to bowl at he became fairly unplayable and being the quickest Village bowler, the Skip decided to get his overs out of the way quickly as possible as it was already getting a bit dark. On came Luke for a bowl and on came the first wicket as up it went and JJ, resplendent in his black headband and red hair took the catch without at any point, looking like he was going to. Kerala were two down two balls later as up it went again, this time to Old Mother Hubbard who like JJ before him, wore the face of a man who was very very worried but he caught it all the same.

The Skip threw the ball to Geoffrey who informed him that offspin was the order of the day, completing the decline from the pace bowler that he assures us he was in the 70s. Geoffrey was tighter than a Gnat’s tight bits and should have had a wicket when he and the Skip both called ‘yours’ as one came down in the middle of the pitch. On came Kev Mc to tie up the other end and chip in with a couple more wickets as one Keralian was bowled and another one got distracted by flies before giving Kev the charge and getting stumped by the Skip who decided against the shed approach and just knocked off one bail. Phil returned to finish off but in one game he’d come right down to Village level (pretty bad) and so Geoffrey was given the final over - an award which made him put his toys back in the pram after being given the hook an over earlier. There was one more wicket to fall as JJ and his headband was smashed miles up in the air and Mackem Rob nearly wore it in his face before seeing the ball when it was about three feet from him and catching it. Kerala eventually finished on 104-5 and the bowling and batting analysis on the scorecard added up to 90.... hmmm!

The biggest crime of the day however, was that only 4 team members were available for post match interviews in the pub and the excuses ranged from “bed time” (Teenagers Luke and JJ) to “on a promise” (the Hubbard). The Skip was there, despite not yet having cast his no vote against the Alternative Vote. If AV had been in place here then Kerala may have come second and yet still somehow won the match.

The Village care not though after one game and one win. Next week the action moves to Hoglands Park for a game against Carnival, freshly relegated from Division 4. A big crowd of 3 piss-heads is expected so get there early to guarantee your place.

Billy Shite
Daily Sporting Arse
Theatre of Trees

First Game Preview

In entirely predictable fashion, I woke up on this morning (Wednesday) with 9 players for the first match of the season. A quick text message to the tune of 'anyone know anyone' and we're up to 11 in no time. So, blazing a trail for West End Saints on Thursday at the Sports Centre will be:

1 Colin Day
2 Steve Paul
3 Shaun Tongs
4 Nigel Hubbard
5 Mike Head
6 Glen de la Cour
7 Jonjo Stovell
8 Phil Jewell
9 Luke Blackwell (Jonjo says he's a good bowler - Do we trust Jonjo ?)
10 Rob Saunders
11 Geoff Edwards

We're playing against Kerala and I know nothing at all about them so we'll see what happens.

When you issue an 'anyone' request, you inevitably pick up players for future matches who can't play in this one and we have secured the services of Andy Reading for at least some of the games. Andy goes by the nickname of Gollum and supports Pompey but he's alright... honest!. His 'signing' means that we satisfy the league quota requirements of having at least one Pompey supporter in the squad as Lee, our usual Token Skate is never around much these days.

Come on the Village!