Mighty Village Frustrated as Shit Stops Play

Barry : "I Got Those Mutha-Fukkin Millbrook Shithole Blues"

Billy Shite here, roving Sports reporter for the for Southern Daily Arse.  The second match for the Mighty Village was at Millbrook Wreck against BAT.  The last time they were here, the Village managed a draw due to there being no stumps and they celebrated by all going to the pub.  Today there are stumps but there is impending rain which is starting to fall from the sky as the Skip lost the toss and his opposing skipped mystifyingly decided to bat in the dark later on.

The Village had strengthened from last week with the return of Tommy Drop who had managed to get himself to Millbrook from the wilds of Hythe, Sergeant Sunderland who had returned from shooting fish in a barrel in Cyprus and Paul MacDonald who was selected for his fifth appearance for the Village and so far, not one of those matches has been played.  The players to drop out were The Invisible Man, Black Tracksuited Accountant and Jon ‘The Big Swish’ Feest who volunteered to stand down rather than risk a fight with Seasick Steve over 12^th Man duties.

After a brief pause whilst Umpire Sarge tried to count up to 11, Eddy Grant started his spell and despite threatening to try and wipe every ball so he got out quickly and could go and sit in his car, the Big Dog survived the first over, mainly by missing the balls that he couldn’t see as Eddy Rocked Down to Electric Avenue.  Waqar came on for the second over and immediately bowled a bouncer over Spaul’s head to which the umpiring Skip signalled a bye instead of a no ball.  After a bit of ball tampering with a syringe which he found in the outfield, Waqar bowled another bouncer which Spaul flayed to the boundary, at least we think it was because no one signalled it and you couldn’t see where the corrugated outfield ended and the corrugated field began.  As the rain got heavier, Waqar managed to pitch one up a bit and it rolled along the ground.

With the clear and pungent smell of shit wafting over from the sewage works, an umpire Brains Trust discussion at the end of the over resolved to give it one more over but Gimme Hope Jo’anna, three Eddy Grant deliveries later and the Big Dog got one on the thumb out of nowhere and everyone decided that they were being stupid to try and carry on so we all went to the pub, except Little Feest and Little Counsell who went home to finish their homework.

So all in all it was a complete waste of time with a corrugated outfield and a wicket resembling a minefield, not to mention the rain and the glorious smell of shit.  Next week a double header for the Mighty Village with a Cup game against a new team called Friends on the Monday and a clash of the Titans affair on Thursday in the Village versus Shire derby.  Both matches are at Hoglands Park so expect tales of evicting tramps from the outfield, getting told to ‘fack off’ by chavvy girls and the Big Dog getting distracted by the smell from the inevitable student barbeque on the outfield

This is Billy Shite at Millbrook Wreck for the Southern Daily Arse.