Wardy Fumes as Village Slump to Shit Defeat

 

Wardy is Not Happy

 

Billy Shite here, reporting for the Southern Daily Arse, live from one of the iconic cricket venues of the Western world, Sports Centre Pitch 2 in the cold and the rain. 

 

The Mighty Village arrive with an unchanged team which is fair enough following last weeks win.  At the time of the toss, there was sunshine and with the B&Q skipper calling incorrectly, The Skip decided to bat.  Straight after that decision the weather changed and it pissed down for 5 minutes meaning that Jamie the Beautiful and Tommy Tantrum strolled out to bat on a wet track, surrounded by wet outfield.  Jamie was not looking as beautiful as normal as he turned up without his kit and amusingly as he’s small and perfectly formed, borrowed kit off of The Skip and the Big Dog, the two biggest blokes in the team.  So, looking like a kid whose just been presented with random cricket gear in a shoebox appeal – Jamie went out to bat. 

After a delay for the late arrival to get off the pitch and wait for the end of the over, a succession of proper cricket shots followed which brought one run each when usually it would have been 4.  Tommy was mixing proper shots in with the odd big fucking mow with his eyes shut when if his bat got to within a yard of the ball, he was doing well.  Jamie had progressed beautifully to 22 before being hit on the pad in the pumbiest lbw ever and the umpiring Skip couldn’t not give it.  If he’d known what was to come later then he wouldn’t have given it if all three stumps had been on the ground.  Tommy was up next as he missed a big mow to a ball that was unfortunately straight.  The Big Dog and Stovell kept things ticking over until The Big Dog neded his innings just as it was getting going by spooning a big leading edge / toe ender up in the air and being caught.  Pakey, smarting from his demotion below the Ginger Prince in the batting order immediately showed what he was about by mullering a full toss for 6 before, in another umpiring mishap, there was a dead ball as the bowler bowled before the fielder was back on the pitch and on the re-bowled ball, Pakey was cleaned up.

Spaul came in to partner the Ginger One and the singles and 2s flowed with the Mighty Village finishing on 106-4 with Brocky not getting a bat after being padded up for 5 overs.  Maybe he would take out his frustration with some severe pace bodyline bowlng.  Or maybe not.  The mighty Village attack was going to have to bowl better than last week to keep them below 106. 

It’s always amusing when one opposition umpire is umpiring from both ends, especially when he’s standing about two feet outside the line of the stumps in an obvious display of not having a clue.  Then you had the square leg umpire who was standing one the line of the stumps, rather than the crease.  Neither could understand English when they were told.  With both the openers looking decent, it was fucking scandalous when the older slower opener was run out by miles and the square leg umpire didn’t give it.  Being charitable, I guess it’s hard to tell from where he was standing. 

Wardy struck to remove one opener as he clipped it straight to the Big Dog who was grazing at mid wicket and luckily, did not have to move.  The other opener was making the most of his 2^nd Innings but the scoring was being restricted by Brocky and Wardy aside from the occasional full bunger which disappeared.  No sign of a wicket though until Rhino came on and landed one on the grass which beat him all ends up and bowled him which was the only way we were going to get him out.  Great team player he was as he bowled, then batted, then pissed off before the end.  The new man in highlighted that the first 4 batters had been the first 4 bowlers so maybe there’s a clue as to the non-decisions and the abysmal umpiring. 

It looked for a minute that the Village were going to win it with 20 required off the last 3 overs but a couple of big hits over the cow and a comedy attempted catch by Tommy Tantrum changed all that and despite a comedy run out when the scores were tied, it was plain sailing for B&Q as the darkness and the rain came in and they won with an over to spare. 

In his post match interview, Wardy suggested that there may have been cheating fuckers in the opposition and the post match pub debate centrered on ‘cheating or clueless’ and if there really was a difference.  We tried to grab a word with the Skip but he only saluted with his middle finger.  The Village should not be over concerned with this defeat though as they definitely got a raw deal from the weather and some rather questionable umpiring.

Next up the Village are at another Test standard ground at Turnpike Lane which is always criminally overlooked for Ashes Test in favour of Cardiff which is a shithole where it always rains.  Hedge End Jams stand in their way as they try and get the season back on track.

This is Billy Shite, Sports Centre Pitch 2, In the Fucking Rain.

 

 

Village Triumph as Ginger Tosser Edges Winning 6

 

Jamie: Just Beautiful

 

Billy Shite of the Southern Daily Arse here at the Centro Dello Sport and every time I come here I marvel at the majestic beauty of the broken sightscreens and smile at the fact that the car park is three miles away from the changing room which is a further 3 miles from the pitch.

The Mighty Village selection committee had delved back into the past and come up with Tommy Tantrum, The Ginger Magician and International Film Star Phil de Vito – Legend.  Talking of Legends, Barry was in the house and 12^th man.  The rest of the team was made up out of the usual twats.  There were a couple of twats missing though as Geoff was resting himself before his transition openeration and Sarge Saunders was off on some top secret mission somewhere in the interests of National Security.

The Skip had one job which was to win the toss and not have to bat in the dark and he failed with The Village having to bowl first.  With the experienced opening partnership of de Vito and Spaul, the runs were kept down and all was looking good as Spaul pinned one opener lbw and then the other opener sliced a de Vito delivery straight to Brocky.  At the crease now was a South African and a bloke who was shit scared and backing away at every ball.  

 

There is always a chance in the first game that one or t’other of your bowlers is going to have a mare and sadly, Brocky and Rhino managed to send down 4 overs between them for 55 runs as the fielding effort went to shit and the Skip found it difficult to set a field for hip high full tosses on leg stump as you can’t put fielders in the trees.  Wardy would surely do better but 18 off his first over proved otherwise though he wasn’t helped by some horrific fielding with Jamie the Beautiful, beautifully pulling his hand out of the way of one chance which is worthy of ridicule, even though none of the rest of us would have got anywhere near it.  Brocky did eventually get things right and the Village tightened up a bit at the end with de Vito returning to claim the scalp of the guy who backed away every ball by bowling at the three, very visible stump to end with 4 overs for 6 runs and 2 wickets.  NATS ended on 128.

 

The Village needed a beautiful opening partnership so the Big Dog was put at No.3 and Tom and Jamie the Beautiful went in.  As boys and girls swooned in the crowd, the dashing pair started mowing the ball around and the score bounded on.  So moved by the spectacle unfolding in front of him, Phil de Vito committed to play the whole season on the spot whereas up to that point, he was only going to be available occasionally.  I think that Kevin Pietersen would sign for The Village if he could witness the Beautiful opening pair in full flow.

 

And then one of the beautiful bastards got out as Tom (27) picked out a fielder who juggled the ball but managed to hold on despite never actually looking like he knew what he was doing at any point.  Without his partner in Beautiful, Jamie struggled to maintain concentration with the Big Dog (who was beautiful back in the day I’m sure) and got bowled for 34 to bring in The Pake.

Pakey and the Big Dog carried on the good work that the Beautiful ones had started and despite many ‘one more and we’re through them’ shouts from the over optimistic NATS fielders, the Village marched on until Pakey was bowled for 22 to bring in Scholesy.  In an object lesson of counting to 5 and then nicking the strike, the Ginger Magician not only nudged The Village into a winning position but severely pissed off The Big Dog at the same time.  It came to pass that the Mighty VBillage needed 6 off the last over to win and the NATS skipper took responsibility and bowled the last over.  In he bounded and send down a rank long hop on leg stump which the Ginger Prince bottom edged for 6.  The bowler sank to his knees like Brett Lee in that iconic 2005 scene with Freddie Flintoff but instead of a consoling pat from the opposition, everyone ignored him expect for one of his own team who clearly said ‘cunt’ as he walked past.  The Big Dog finished unbeaten on 25. 

So, the Village odyssey starts off with a win in the first game of the season for the first time in about 3 years.  Can they make it 2 out of 2 in the next game against B&Q next week, a team with notoriously shite umpires and irritating players.  Tune in next week to find out. 

This is Billy Shite for the Southern Daily Arse at The Ageas Sports Centre.

Village Season Preview 2015

 

 

Joey... Mad For It!

 

Billy Shite of the Southern Daily Arse here with a preview of the season ahead for The Mighty Village as they begin their Division 2 odyssey at the Sports Centre against NATS.  The player roster has remained relatively unchanged with the only loss being the Australian import Elijah Turriff-Smith who has the excuse that he is in Australia.  As he struggled to get to games when he lived in Hythe, I think we can rule out him getting a cheap flight for a Tuesday night in Lordshill.

I can exclusively reveal that the Hythe branch of Mencap are back with the return of Jonjo Foxpiss and Tommy 49 to the fold having missed most of the last two years with a mixture of apathy and lack of motivation.  Now they’re back though and Tom can drive a car now so no excuses, entertaining though they were, especially the cat ones.  Luke Blackwell also returns to the squad having spent two years remodelling his bowling action so we’re expecting him to be brilliant. 

 

 

Jonjo: He's Back

Due in part to the new rule this season of ‘anything down the leg side is a wide’, The Skip and his selection committee have decided to create a ‘Special Guest Bowler’ position in the squad. It is hoped that one of these will be available each week.  The list consists of ex-villager Danny de Vito who is of course a legend.  It also contains the name of Kelvin Sequeira who will occasionally defy his broken knees and his wife’s work hours to play.  It also contains the name of Mike Edwards whose rise to cricketing superstardom is still be held back by injuries including Plague, Missing bones, No boots, Piles and Thrush.

Last years regulars are all back with people who sometimes can bat (Jamie and his Creatine Arse, The Big Dog who this year will be able to see, The Bald Dog), people who can sometimes bowl (Sarge Saunders, Baselayer Geoff and Rhino Connor) and those that can sometimes do neither  (Spaul, Brocky and especially Wardy).  Then there’s the Skip behind the timbers though his summer has been disrupted by the discovery that in 1781, there was a marriage in Jersey between an Edouard de la Cour and an Anne Le Brocq.  Having spent last season assuming Brocky was related to Spaul, purely on grounds of physical deformity – the truth may be somewhat more alarming.

Then of course there are the specialist fielders with the Legend that is Seasick Barry who is a fucking legend and no mistake.  If anyone else is needed then there’s the fallback option of Joey Deacon if he’s not biting his shoulder, belming or writing a book by poking a typewriter with a sucker pad on his forehead.

Oh yeah, the cricket.  Well it’s division 2 innit and a lot of the teams that were played last year including NATS, B&Q, Sydenhams, Fowler and Skandia.  Also in the league are Hedge End Jams who the Village met two years ago when they turned up with 8 players.

The time is now... bring it.

Billy Shite
Southern Daily Arse

Village Choke as Last Three Balls Yield 2 run outs,1 snapped hamstring and and 0 runs.

The Mighty Village do a Nigella and Saatchi

Billy Shite reporting from the Centro Dello Sport as the Mighty Village look for their 5^th league win in a row against Southamptonshire who to the surprise of many, mainly their skipper, turned the Village over in the 2^nd game of the season.  Said Skipper, inventor and chief exponent of the Worty Shuffle was absent tonight which would surely give the Mighty Village the edge as they sought revenge for the aforementioned defeat.

As per fucking usual though, The Mighty Village had problems of their own.  Two thirds of the Army representation were missing  as Jimmy Silverspoon was doing all the admin surrounding the reasons for Sergeant Sunderland’s absence.  The Wizard of Ozz had lent his phone to his parents all week so he wasn’t here and Geoffray Bentos had been called up by Hants over 60s, despite only being 59.  He got in on a technicality as his last three overs for The Mighty Village went for over 60.  In their stead were the returning Tommy Drop and a first appearance of the season for Nigel the Thespian who was back after being on tour with the Moorgreen Amateur Dramatics Society in their musical adaptation of the Jimmy Savile story.

Skip lost the toss for the 38^th match in a row and so The Village were fielding with their usual 10 fielders arranged in a circle.  The Shire openers were a right and left hand combination which is always a mare when your Skipper is crap at setting fields.  The lefty looked a bit like Ian Bell so he was obviously going to get out quickly and the Sherminator was on his way in the second over as he got an edge to a Spaul delivery and was snaffled up by The Skip behind the stumps, who surprisingly was keeping up this seasons good form behind the timbers.

The Shire, including the other opener who scored all the runs last time, made slow progress in the face of miserly bowling from the balding star of films such as Twins and Romancing the Stone at one end and Spaul at the other.  Replacing de Vito after his two over opening salvo was Tommy Drop giving it some leg rip and many an aimless grope forward was offered by the batsman as it prodigiously spun away from him.  He did clobber one straight down the ground though and Tiernan showed why he doesn’t have a huge collection of bravery medals by bending down slower than Geoff would have done and watching it go for 4.  The incredulous look on his face as he had the piss ripped out of him by the Village fielders was a sight to see.  The piss taking worked though as in the next Tommy over, the same fielder pulled out a kind of running, sliding stop, pick up and throw all in one movement which no one else would have even attempted.

The leggie was making things happen though and off the last ball of his last over, another nick was well taken by the Skip to dismiss the batsman who beat the Village on his own last time.  The potential game changing bowling tandem of Big Luke B and Jonjojinge were now doing their stuff and as usual, one was ok and the other wasn’t.  This time it was the Big Man who was putting it in the right areas and Jonjojinge who wasn’t as the scoring rate leapt in spite of some inspired fielding effort by Seasick Baz and Nigel the Thesp who were forming a ring of steel around the leg side, despite having the same combined age as Mick Jagger and Moses.

The new batsman was struggling to hit the ball off the square and he was put out of his misery as Skip stumped him off a Big Luke delivery but for some reason, possibly because he was in, he wasn’t given out.  Back came Danny DV after Jonjo’s spell had mercifully ended and off his first ball, a flash, an edge and the powerful No3 who biffed Jonjo all over the leg side had gone as Skip threw up his right hand and had that look of surprise as he found the ball nestling in it.  Big Luke had successfully completed an over from the other end, marred on by a really crap catching effort by Jonjo who was obeying the Fox Piss Code Rule#1 of ‘Thou shalt not catch a fellow Ginger’ and Danny pulled out the unheard of wicket maiden in the last over and three balls beat the bat before a leg bye, before a clean bowled and a play and miss.  The Shire had limped onto 78-4 which was surely about 20 runs light even on this slightly dodgy wicket.

Any ideas that The Village had of this being a walk in the park should have been buried after the first two overs as the Big Dog top edged and was caught mid off and his ginger replacement completed what wasn’t his best match ever by doing exactly the same thing.  It was now the Tommy Tiernan show as they tried to build the innings but it was slow progress and the run rate required crept up which was some effort, seeing as it was only a shade under 5 in the first place.

As the duo began to accelerate, the Army man was bowled for 16 runs that wasn't going to get him ahead of Jimmy Silverspoon in the averages and the Skip promoted himself ahead of Spaul in the order as they had decreed that some cross bat was in order.  The Skip informed Tommy that he was going to play his shot and was going to play it repeatedly which he did and he and Tommy Drop batted beautifully-ish to bring the Mighty Village within touching distance with just 4 runs needed off of 7 balls but off the last ball of the penultimate over, Tommy was bowled for 32.

A single for the Skip off the first ball and a 2 for Spaul off the third and so it came to pass that the scores were level with three balls remaining. Spaul missed the 4^th which went to the keeper and Spaul also missed the penultimate ball and it hit his pads… not out but it was now a foot race between the bowler and the Skip.  Skip had backed the pointy bendy nosed vice-captain to steer away the winning run and was not backing up as well as he should have done but he set off, got shot by a sniper in the back of the leg, collapsed in a particularly ungraceful heap and crashed to the floor in what was later described by the umpiring Big Dog, as the worst dive he had ever seen.  The general amusement didn’t really stop when it emerged that The Skip (18) couldn’t get up as his hamstring had gone so he was helped off and Danny DV came in to face the last ball which he missed and so Spaul (0) was run out this time and though it felt like a defeat for the Village, in fact it ended in a tie and The Village are now officially The new South Africa, with added choke.

Both innings in this match followed a similar pattern of slow – quick – nothing and a tie was probably a fair result though The Shire will doubtless be the happier of the two sides as The Mighty Village should have won and it and the dropped points will doubtless impact them in the final reckoning.  Some positives today with the expert fielding return of Nigel the Thespian who would be even better if he could be arsed to play every week and some batting form being shown by Tommy Drop and The Skip who is now probably out for the season so it’s not worth taking about the fat tosser. 

Next week the Mighty Village are back at the Centro Dello Sport to play B&Q and rumour has it that they will have a proper wicket keeper with the return of Jimmy Silverspoon to don the gloves.  Rumour also has it that Sergeant Sunderland will be back and renamed Sergeant Barbados after he was given a blood transfusion of Caribbean origin in an effort to make him bowl fast with the side effect of having a big cock.

This is Billy Shite at the Centro for the Southern Daily Arse.

Averages 2013: Who's decent and who's shite!

BATTING	Inns	N/O	BEST	RUNS	AVERAGE
James WILSON	3	1	87	181	90.50
Steve PAUL	5	3	81	144	72.00
Tom RICHARDS	2	1	60	67	67.00
Colin DAY	5	1	82	233	58.25
Tiernan HICK	3	1	70	116	58.00
Jonjo STOVELL	6	2	83	104	26.00
Glen DE LA COUR	4	2	12	15	7.50
ALSO BATTED	Inns	N/O	BEST	RUNS	AVERAGE
Ozair SHEIKH	1	0	23	23	23.00
Rob SAUNDERS	1	0	7	7	7.00
Ryan O'CONNOR	1	0	6	6	6.00
Paul MACDONALD	1	0	2	2	2.00
Ali BRYERS	1	1	9	9	0.00
Jon FEEST	1	1	4	4	0.00
Josh MEAD	1	1	1	1	0.00
BOWLING	O	R	W	ECON	STRIKE	AVERAGE
Rob SAUNDERS	7.5	60	5	7.66	9.40	12.00
Phil JEWELL	19	99	8	5.21	14.25	12.38
Geoff EDWARDS	18.2	166	9	9.05	12.22	18.44
Ozair SHEIKH	17	134	4	7.88	25.50	33.50
Luke BLACKWELL	9	79	1	8.78	54.00	79.00
Steve PAUL	13	88	1	6.77	78.00	88.00
Colin DAY	6	51	0	8.50	999.99	999.99
ALSO BOWLED	O	R	W	ECON	STRIKE	AVERAGE
Ali BRYERS	2	9	1	4.50	12.00	9.00
Sam COUNSELL	3	20	1	6.67	18.00	20.00
Tom RICHARDS	3	24	1	8.00	18.00	24.00
Ryan O'CONNOR	4.1	28	1	6.72	25.00	28.00
Steve WEALL	3	33	1	11.00	18.00	33.00
Jonjo STOVELL	3	19	0	6.33	999.99	999.99
Josh MEAD	3	21	0	7.00	999.99	999.99
Chris COUNSELL	3	24	0	8.00	999.99	999.99
Geoff BALL	3	28	0	9.33	999.99	999.99
Nic FEEST	0.2	4	0	12.00	999.99	999.99
Mike EDWARDS	3	44	0	14.67	999.99	999.99