Spaul Shites His Pants as Village Dominate

Spaul Surveys the Wreckage

Billy Shite here at the Theatre of Trees again, reporting on the Mighty Village v HCE for the Daily Sporting A.  The recent history between these two sides is that they met for the first time and HCE got battered.  Then they met again and HCE decided to turn up with 8 players and a couple of ringers who were playing Frisbee at the side of the pitch... and they got battered, bowled out for 21.  Today they have a full complement of young, fit looking players and the Mighty Village have turned up with 10 as at 2pm today, Spaul shat his pants and he was still at it at 6.30pm when the game started.  Even the text he sent to the Skip smelt a bit funny.

Talking of funny smells – Operation Fox Piss part 3 was upon us but Mackem Rob was on Manoeuvres in his bulletproof vest in Portsmouth.  Also joining Spaul the Shit on the sidelines were  the Hoobard, the Sperm Sprayer and  Kevmac.  Seasick Steve was in the house but he was for once overshadowed by the main event which was the return of a past hero.  This particular Village that had been missing their idiot for far too long but here he was, back in the fold with no excuses about dead bones in his leg, piles or dentistry issues.  Come on down Mike Edwards, Village legend.

The Skip lost the toss but the HCE captain visibly wilted at the prospect of batting first and so decided to field.  The opening pair were due to be Dayer and Mick the Teeth but due to Spaul’s bowel movements, the Teeth was going to be bowling as well and so up stepped the Guru with Mick dropping to 3.  HCE looked a bit lively in the field with players flying round in the boundary in pursuit of a steady stream of bludgeoned drives from Dayer and under an onslaught of singles from the Guru.  The score accumulated rather than rocketed along, with Dayer keener to run the second but not as keen as Guru was to get singles.

Texts were arriving in the scorebox from Tommy 49 who was umpiring at square leg and bored out of his mind watching the accumulation of singles.... and then the Guru hit a single.  With the Village on 50 and the Guru on 15 singles (I shit ye not), there was a big lbw appeal against Dayer which wasn’t given, followed by another big lbw appeal to which Tommy 49 raised the broken finger of doom.  Dayer looked delighted with the decision as he walked off without chuntering or swearing or anything.  What a guy!

The crowds rose and it was a bit like The Beatles at Shea Stadium as Mick the Teeth strode out to the middle to join the Guru who immediately broke his World Record run of singles by hitting a 4.  The Teeth was giving it some almighty swish but was hampered by the dog of a Sports Centre pitch which was slower than Spaul going to the bar.  He stood and admired one booming straight drive which was had ‘six’ written all over it until it died and landed 10 yards the wrong side of the line – so the Village only got 1 for that.

Guru attempted to make room for himself it he last over and made so much that he got bowled which brought in the Skip for the bowler to bowl wides at.  Mick the Teeth smashed 7 off the last two balls including some comedy overthrows and so the Village finished on 117-2, three runs short of the maximum bonus points mark.

The Jeweller opened up with his customary accuracy but the first chance came in Lookie Pace’s first over when the batsman played a horrible toe ended pull straight to JJ Fox who dropped it but no matter as both batsmen were at the same end so the run out was a formality.... until he threw about 5 metres over the Skip’s head.  There was a mixture of sniggering, disbelief and ‘You Ginger Twat’ from the remaining Village fielders.  Even the space where Spaul should have been had an opinion.  It has to be remembered here, what a good job it was that Mackem Rob wasn’t here.

The Jeweller struck like one of those very poisonous snake things in the next over as he induced an edge that neither the Skip, nor the umpire could miss.  Lookie got in on the act in the next over as he bowled the other opener before, in an act of contortionism, fell over in his run up and delivered a legal ball with his nose about six inches from the ground.  The fact that it got mown for 4 is neither here nor there.

WG Clive was bringing a kind of kack-handed  fielding expertise to the Village but it doesn’t matter what hand you want to use if you don’t bend down and the ball shoots past along the ground.  Next ball he was in the firing line of one about six inches off the ground and pulled off a fine stop.  If JJ Fox had made that stop he would have then thrown it for overthrows.

It was that moment the world had waited for as Mick the Teeth marked out his run up having sufficiently stopped wheezing and hacking following his efforts with the bat.  In he came and his first ball got pushed for a single.  The Skip had no idea that Mick was now bowling off-breaks and moved about 5 yards nearer the stumps.  It seems that father time spares no one but he does leave a cricket brain behind so a pitch up slower ball to the slogger was enough to ping back off stump and there you go, 13 for 3.  The man with the teeth could not be kept out of the action a minute later as after seeing Lookie smashed for two successive fours, he dived forward to scoop up a nervous looking prod and HCE were 4 down but they did have more than the 21 they got last time.

Jonjo managed to bowl an over that wasn’t pure filth whilst Mick the Teeth justified his legend status at the other end.  His second over didn’t produce a wicket but we all thought it had as a big slog went straight to Dayer in the deep who calmly waited for the ball before chucking it over the line for 4.  Micky’s third over brought carnage though with identical wickets, clean bowled off the first, fifth and sixth ball of the over.  The Legend was on 4-17 off three overs and on a hat-trick – as the Skip weighed up a hat-trick and five-for chance against the onset of ego related madness.... and took him off.

Not to be outdone, JJ Fox produced the most surprising of things, a wicket maiden as he landed 6 balls on the cut bit and neither batsmen could hit them, which resulted on one of them trudging off with his stumps all over the place.  Geoff’s fielding earlier on in the innings had brought cries of ‘keep them to 4’ when the ball went straight to him but he was bowling now and grateful for his fielders as he moved Seasick Steve into a leg slip position and then bowled two balls of complete pie down he leg side which were smashed straight at the guitar playing legend who stopped them both with his ankle.  There was also a remarkable turn of pace from Dayer on the boundary who got up to full speed and was never going to be able to slow down.  The pick up and throw was pure class and shows why he’ll be injured next week.  Geoff’s experience came to the fore as a young kid of batsman, perhaps dazzled by the pearly white Baselayer, tried an ugly swipe and was bowled.

Nine wickets down and in she came to bat.  Every time this happens, JJ is bowling but she was at the non strikers end.  Try as he might he couldn’t feed a single to the one remaining bloke who looked about 12.  Skip tried to give them a bye by going tfor a ball with his feet but instead managed to expertly chip the ball up for himself – it was that kind of day.  As the final ball of the over was about to bowled, Geoff implored the fielders to stop the single so that he could have a full over bowling at the object of Jonjo’s affection.  Stop the single they did and so up stepped one man and his Baselayer. 

With the field in, the experienced maestro fairly tweaked one between bat and pad and into the Skip’s left glove.  The Skip was so surprised to have caught it that he failed to look for the stumping chance which was there as she was wandering around outside the crease.  The sense of hilarity was there a second later as she mowed the next delivery for 4.  Next ball was taken by the skip who waited for her to wander outside the crease before taking the bails off, game over, thanks for coming... oh wait, the umpire isn’t watching.  Like the pro that he is though, Geoff worked out that he needed to hit the stumps to get her out and so it came to pass off the last ball of the over that HCE were bowled out for 61.

And so the juggernaut is up and running again and now there are just two games to go and the 19 points gained today mean that 35 points are required from the remaining 2 games .  Next to step into the path of the Village are Blake Lapthorn who should really go the same way as HCE did today.  The Village were fortunate today to be able to call on the services of a Legend and the hoards of people who were present today, including those 3 fit joggers who jogged and jiggled their way past in their lycra, will be able to look back and say ‘I was there’.    Mick the Teeth – what a guy, batsman, bowler, fielder and unhealthy wreck.  He could have that on his head stone if he was dead.

Billy Shite, Theatre of Trees, about to start the 3 mile uphill trudge back to the pub.