Village Justify Deacon Non-Selection in Cow Corner Carnage

Deacon: Not Selected

Billy Shite at the LCG for the Daily Sporting Arse to watch Village Clash: The Sequel.  Table toppers they might be but the Mighty Village had a few problems today with a number of drop outs meaning that the average age was about 46.  The ‘anyone know any players’ appeal by the selection committee threw up such names as Joey Deacon and Stephen Hawking as potential like for like replacements for Jonjo and Lookie but they were unavailable through death and orbiting the moon respectively.  Two of the remaining relative youngsters, Spaul at 43 and Skip at 42, limped up to the ground and debated who was limping less and therefore, who would open the batting with Dayer.  Skip won the toss and decided to get it over with so in he went, due to Spaul’s more impressive limp, to face the Not-so-mighty Village Attack.

The slips were passing comment on the Skip’s antique Graeme Hick bat and soon shut up when he was served with couple of pies early on which he smashed to the boundary.  Dayer was taking a liking to the spinner from the other end (I use the term ‘spinner’ loosely) and powered him for three fours in one over.  Thus the tone was set with Dayer playing shots all round the wicket and the Skip playing almost exclusively over the cow, demonstrating an Eoin Morgan-like level of invention to get any ball of any length or line, over the cow.  The animal theme was in full swing when a Skip pull shot managed to hit a bloody great dog which was being walked round the boundary by a dozy bugger who ended up pushing the dog into the ball.  No harm done thankfully. 

The momentum was building nicely but was thwarted by an all run 3 which left the Skip lying on the ground stretching his back and Dayer yelling ‘hit....a.....fucking....boundary’ in between gasps or sweet tasting Lordshill air.  The score motored on and desperation for a breakthrough set in, bringing with it, humourous lbw appeals.  There was one vociferous appeal after a forward defensive middle-of-the-bat push from Dayer which, if had had any more wood in it would have been a fucking tree.  Then an appeal comparable in it’s ridiculousness (is that a word?) against the Skip which at least hit the pad but as he’d backed away so far that the umpire could still see all 3 stumps, it was highly unlikely to be out.

With both batsmen in the 40s, acceleration was the order of the day and both tried and failed and perished in 2 balls as Dayer went long and not high enough and got caught for 42 and then Skip went high and not far enough and departed for 45.  Good catches both and so Spaul and the Jeweller de Vito were in.

They weren’t hanging about either and both hit a couple of fours with one delightful effort from Spaul going straight through a fielder and one from the Jeweller nearly ending in fielder injury as the berk dived into the sightscreen.  De Vito eventually holed out to another good catch to bring in Mackem Rob to swish and miss at two wides and a legal delivery and so the Mighty Village closed on 125-3, a score they would have settled for at the start.

The between innings interval was taken up with Dayer having a moan up about some of his runs allegedly going on the Skip’s score.  The scorecard has since been checked by an anally retentive lackey of mine and I’m pleased to report the integrity of the scorers (Mikey Sperm and the Jeweller) is intact and I can now categorically confirm that the Skip (45 off 37 balls) did score at a faster rate than the moaning git (42 off 41).

The think tank brains trust of Skip and Spaul were deep in conversation when setting the field, trying to hide 9 immobile fielders who can’t throw.  When they eventually gave up and just told everyone to spread out in a circle, the Jeweller and Mackem Rob kept it tight to immediately put Knowle Village well down on the required run rate.

Off the last ball of his second over, Mackem Rob got the breakthrough with a beautifully disguised slower ball which was far too good for the Knowle Village skipper who lost his timbers.  It was a bit like a JJ Fox slower ball other than that it wasn’t bowled with a different action and it didn’t come down with snow on it.... and it was straight... and it pitched on the green bit.

Wickets were needed and so Kevmac was brought on to bowl to their most dangerous hitter who mowed a four before flat batting a shot straight to the Jeweller on the boundary.  It was unlucky to pick out one of the two fielders who may have caught it but catch it he did and 2 men down.  Geoff, tightly packed into his 2^nd skin was on and after one delivery of filth, settled down and pinged back off stump to bring the 3^rd wicket.

It was roughly at this point that the fielding effort began to unravel with the old men of the Mighty Village realising that it was time for Horlicks and Sanatogen.  It started with a risky second run to the only fielder who could throw – a smooth pick up and throw by Mackem Rob and a complete bollocks of an effort to gather by the Skip, shocked at receiving a decent throw at above ankle height.  The inevitable insult that arrived almost as quickly as the ball, rhymed with plastic.

The Hoob was on and striving for his first wicket of the season and it looked like it was arriving as the ball was carved towards Dayer in the covers at catchable height.  Time stood still as Dayer positioned himself and the ball kind of swerved round him as he totally failed to get a touch.   One thing you learn when bowling for the Mighty Village is that you have to do all the work yourself so the Hoob did just that off the next ball, snagging a sharpish caught and bowled chance to get rid of the second opener, the 8 foot giant.

One thing that can always be relied on in the field is Mikey Sperm and his power arm, proving that being Quadroplegic is no impediment for fielding like a demon.  Rumour has it that he can Spray Sperm further than he can throw a ball and I know what my money would be on.  Spaul was standing very close at short mid-wicket as his knee hurt too much for him to walk away any further.  His close proximity to the bat was shown up when Geoff (deliberately) served up a slow full toss which was pulled straight into Spaul’s hands and down.  The look of horror when he realised that he didn’t have time to get out of the way was priceless.

Geoff and his base layer 2^nd skin were into their 3^rd over and into the groove, drawing the batsman out of his ground with flight and guile (a long hop) and the Skip eventually completed the stumping once he’d registered that he actually had the ball in his hands.  Two balls later and the base layer 2^nd skin got even tighter in the excitement of another batsman being deceived, this time by a straight one.

The Jeweller came back on in an effort to snag maximum bowling points and he produced a quicker ball which was sent into orbit.  Skip called but Soldier Saunders called louder and more confidently and stood underneath it as it fell to earth, hit his hands and flopped onto the deck, accompanied by a high pitched ‘Nooooooooo’ from the suitably embarrassed Northern Maestro – a truly epic drop.

Two balls later and the ball was up in the air again and the Sperm Sprayer was faced with trying to take one of those difficult over-the-shoulder-ones.  How he thought he was ever going to do this with his arms out wide in a crucifix pose is completely beyond me.  It’s not exaggerating to say that a beach ball would have gone through and hit the deck.  The only chance of him catching it was if it fell into his open mouth.  The passing of this chance was notable for the lack of a North Eastern accent giving it the large one.

Taxi for de Vito as the Jeweller roared in like the Incredible Hulk without the green skin and took away all element of doubt with some serious stump flattening.  The pursuit of a bowling bonus point brought Robbie Drop back on and his over produced one chance off the last ball – a high hanging bomb which came down on top of Seasick Steve – he looked confident but he’s been possessed by the spirit of the Mighty Village and so turfed it.  87-7 at the end and a comfortable win.

Next week it all gets serious as the Mighty Village play the only team to have beaten them this year in Kerala.  The winners of this match will have one hand on the prestigious Southampton Evening League Division 5 trophy and Qualification for the Champions League and all the riches that entails.  The selection committee have selection issues with JJ Fox, Lookie, Tommy Tempah and the Guru all returning.  Injuries will have to be assessed for next week and as we reach the business end of the season, we must expect the Mighty Village to be ruthless with no room for sentiment.... or shit fielding.  They say ‘catches win matches’ because it rhymes... but it also happens to be true so there will be no Village victory parade next week if they butcher this number of dismissals again.  They have been warned.

Billy Shite, Daily Sporting Arse at the LCG.

Skip's Wagon Wheel, Yesterday