Spaul Carnage as Village Announce Div 3 Arrival

Fat Ugly Cow Stops Play

Billy Shite at the HCG for the match between the Mighty Village and NATS who haven’t played eachother for about 12 years which coincidentally is about the amount of years late NATS was in opening.  Upon arrival at the HCG, it was debateable whether any play would be possible which after ‘Stumpgate’ last week, wouldn’t have been too clever.  Due to the hot weather, the outfield was populated with hippies, drunks, students, dossers, tossers and a large groupd of big mean looking West Indian chaps.  The groundsman’s attitude to this was that they’d all disperse when the cricketers took the field.  We shall see.

The Village relied for this match, on the same squad as last year with all the Uni boys being present and Soldier Boy having a rest from hunting Germans to grace us with his presence.  Skip won the toss and with the outfield still full of dregs that needed to be moved, decided it wasn’t going to start on time and decided to bat.

The Big Dog started off like a man who was hungry and determined to show the watching Sarisbury representative why they should be showing him the love a bit more with some bludgeoning strokes as the Village raced away.  At the other end, Tommy 49 was batting like a man who had only been bowling this year and he was first to go at the end of the second over  to give him the new name of Tommy 49-44.  He was replaced by Spaul who was promoted above the Guru as he hadn’t batted this season as opposed to batting but not scoring any.  Spaul had to watch initially as the Big Dog carried on hitting out with four 4s in an over before missing a straight one to be out for 27.  In came the Guru as NATS brought on their best bowler who knocked his stumps over a few balls later to leave the Village on 51-3 after 5 overs.  Plenty of runs but a couple of wickets lost too many.

In came the Skip who managed to injure his already injured ankle whilst walking out into the middle.  He was followed into the middle by a blonde fat ugly pig in leggings with her small child.  It’s remarkable that the groundsman was right… most people vacate the pitch if there’s a game starting, blokes especially cos they understand.  It’s the women who are the worst.  So the game was halted as the cute little kid was followed by this fucking walrus who on her own would not have caused the game to be stopped.  This is the trouble with the hot weather – for every nice looking girl in a short skirt it brings out a fucking wartpigdinosaurus.  Having wandered right across the pitch and enabling a couple more deliveries, she waddled back over causing another break in play.

Unperturbed, Spaul batted like madman, taking heavy toll of anything off line whilst the Skip played and missed a lot but did at least manage to give the strike to his partner who was at least, hitting the ball occasionally.  Having been stung by media criticism of his somewhat unadventurous batting style, Spaul was determined to wreak revenge and clubbed three huge sixes which would have carried the rope, even on a proper ground.  It was marvellous stuff which made up for the Skip’s swish and miss approach at the other end.  Still, Skip’s speed between the wickets kept the board ticking over as he regularly turned twos into singles by running like Long John Silver.

Spaul raced to 50 but departed soon enough when he was caught in the deep having scored 54 and Skip soon followed when he missed one too many and was bowled for a painfully compiled 13.  The Jeweller and Shagger Blackwell clubbed a few welcome runs at the end before Shagger departed off the last ball and Jonjo made his way out to the middle before realising that everyone was walking off.  Plonker.  So, the Village ended on 122-5.

Skip decided that even with his injury, he was still more mobile than the Big Dog who took the gloves and kept wicket.  The Jewellers first over was uneventful and in came Mackem Rob to bowl his usual collection of short wide shit…. Only he didn’t.  Having played a year in the Evening League, he’s worked out that the best way is to bowl at the three sticks in the ground and this brought him a wicket off only his third ball as the opener played all around it and got cleaned up.  He repeated the trick in his next over as well, having inspired the Jeweller to do the same and so at the end of the 4^th over, NATS were 17-3 and up against it.

On came Geoff with his flight and guile and without his baselayer and the runs were still not flowing with Soldier Boy still looking decent from the other end.  Geoff managed to snare a wicket lbw but this good work was undone when the Skip made a decision which will go down in the annals of cricket as not being one of the best and threw the ball to Jonjo to bowl from the end where he got a hat-trick last year by bowling at the stumps. A reminder of this fact was forthcoming before the spell began and forgotten by the time the ginger magician had reached the wicket.  Ah yes, the ginger magician, he bowls and the ball disappears… all over the fucking place.  At the other end, Shagger sent down a decent first over but his second went all over the place and suddenly, NATS had a sniff and the lackadaisical field placings from the Skip were being tested to the limit by the fact that he couldn’t put any fielders up in the clouds.

The Skip turned to his most reliable bowler and the Jeweller delivered, strangling the run rate and then delivering the knockout blow by forcing the one batsman who’d looked decent to go airborne and luckily it fell into the bucket hands of Shagger Blackwell who magnificently pouched the effort and the match.  With 27 needed off the last over, Jonjo was not entrusted with it and Tommy 49-44 wheeled in to enduce and tremendous bit of work from the Big Dog, who finally completing the stumping at the second attempt, distracted though he was, by an ice cream van.  NATS finished on 103-6 and the Mighty Village had won by 19 runs.

So, The Village are off on their Division 3 odyssey with a decent win.  Next up in the league they are off the Riverside Park for the first time since the resurrection to play again Southamptonshire and our old friend, Worty.  Be afraid, be very afraid.  Before that though, a cup game against the catchily named Vespasian Vikings at the Sports Centre on Monday.  A disision seperates them but can the Village bridge that gap.  If I was a betting man, I’d say maybe.

Billy Shite, Hoglands Cricket Ground for the Southern Daily Sporting Arse.