Spaul Shites His Pants as Village Dominate

Spaul Surveys the Wreckage

Billy Shite here at the Theatre of Trees again, reporting on the Mighty Village v HCE for the Daily Sporting A.  The recent history between these two sides is that they met for the first time and HCE got battered.  Then they met again and HCE decided to turn up with 8 players and a couple of ringers who were playing Frisbee at the side of the pitch... and they got battered, bowled out for 21.  Today they have a full complement of young, fit looking players and the Mighty Village have turned up with 10 as at 2pm today, Spaul shat his pants and he was still at it at 6.30pm when the game started.  Even the text he sent to the Skip smelt a bit funny.

Talking of funny smells – Operation Fox Piss part 3 was upon us but Mackem Rob was on Manoeuvres in his bulletproof vest in Portsmouth.  Also joining Spaul the Shit on the sidelines were  the Hoobard, the Sperm Sprayer and  Kevmac.  Seasick Steve was in the house but he was for once overshadowed by the main event which was the return of a past hero.  This particular Village that had been missing their idiot for far too long but here he was, back in the fold with no excuses about dead bones in his leg, piles or dentistry issues.  Come on down Mike Edwards, Village legend.

The Skip lost the toss but the HCE captain visibly wilted at the prospect of batting first and so decided to field.  The opening pair were due to be Dayer and Mick the Teeth but due to Spaul’s bowel movements, the Teeth was going to be bowling as well and so up stepped the Guru with Mick dropping to 3.  HCE looked a bit lively in the field with players flying round in the boundary in pursuit of a steady stream of bludgeoned drives from Dayer and under an onslaught of singles from the Guru.  The score accumulated rather than rocketed along, with Dayer keener to run the second but not as keen as Guru was to get singles.

Texts were arriving in the scorebox from Tommy 49 who was umpiring at square leg and bored out of his mind watching the accumulation of singles.... and then the Guru hit a single.  With the Village on 50 and the Guru on 15 singles (I shit ye not), there was a big lbw appeal against Dayer which wasn’t given, followed by another big lbw appeal to which Tommy 49 raised the broken finger of doom.  Dayer looked delighted with the decision as he walked off without chuntering or swearing or anything.  What a guy!

The crowds rose and it was a bit like The Beatles at Shea Stadium as Mick the Teeth strode out to the middle to join the Guru who immediately broke his World Record run of singles by hitting a 4.  The Teeth was giving it some almighty swish but was hampered by the dog of a Sports Centre pitch which was slower than Spaul going to the bar.  He stood and admired one booming straight drive which was had ‘six’ written all over it until it died and landed 10 yards the wrong side of the line – so the Village only got 1 for that.

Guru attempted to make room for himself it he last over and made so much that he got bowled which brought in the Skip for the bowler to bowl wides at.  Mick the Teeth smashed 7 off the last two balls including some comedy overthrows and so the Village finished on 117-2, three runs short of the maximum bonus points mark.

The Jeweller opened up with his customary accuracy but the first chance came in Lookie Pace’s first over when the batsman played a horrible toe ended pull straight to JJ Fox who dropped it but no matter as both batsmen were at the same end so the run out was a formality.... until he threw about 5 metres over the Skip’s head.  There was a mixture of sniggering, disbelief and ‘You Ginger Twat’ from the remaining Village fielders.  Even the space where Spaul should have been had an opinion.  It has to be remembered here, what a good job it was that Mackem Rob wasn’t here.

The Jeweller struck like one of those very poisonous snake things in the next over as he induced an edge that neither the Skip, nor the umpire could miss.  Lookie got in on the act in the next over as he bowled the other opener before, in an act of contortionism, fell over in his run up and delivered a legal ball with his nose about six inches from the ground.  The fact that it got mown for 4 is neither here nor there.

WG Clive was bringing a kind of kack-handed  fielding expertise to the Village but it doesn’t matter what hand you want to use if you don’t bend down and the ball shoots past along the ground.  Next ball he was in the firing line of one about six inches off the ground and pulled off a fine stop.  If JJ Fox had made that stop he would have then thrown it for overthrows.

It was that moment the world had waited for as Mick the Teeth marked out his run up having sufficiently stopped wheezing and hacking following his efforts with the bat.  In he came and his first ball got pushed for a single.  The Skip had no idea that Mick was now bowling off-breaks and moved about 5 yards nearer the stumps.  It seems that father time spares no one but he does leave a cricket brain behind so a pitch up slower ball to the slogger was enough to ping back off stump and there you go, 13 for 3.  The man with the teeth could not be kept out of the action a minute later as after seeing Lookie smashed for two successive fours, he dived forward to scoop up a nervous looking prod and HCE were 4 down but they did have more than the 21 they got last time.

Jonjo managed to bowl an over that wasn’t pure filth whilst Mick the Teeth justified his legend status at the other end.  His second over didn’t produce a wicket but we all thought it had as a big slog went straight to Dayer in the deep who calmly waited for the ball before chucking it over the line for 4.  Micky’s third over brought carnage though with identical wickets, clean bowled off the first, fifth and sixth ball of the over.  The Legend was on 4-17 off three overs and on a hat-trick – as the Skip weighed up a hat-trick and five-for chance against the onset of ego related madness.... and took him off.

Not to be outdone, JJ Fox produced the most surprising of things, a wicket maiden as he landed 6 balls on the cut bit and neither batsmen could hit them, which resulted on one of them trudging off with his stumps all over the place.  Geoff’s fielding earlier on in the innings had brought cries of ‘keep them to 4’ when the ball went straight to him but he was bowling now and grateful for his fielders as he moved Seasick Steve into a leg slip position and then bowled two balls of complete pie down he leg side which were smashed straight at the guitar playing legend who stopped them both with his ankle.  There was also a remarkable turn of pace from Dayer on the boundary who got up to full speed and was never going to be able to slow down.  The pick up and throw was pure class and shows why he’ll be injured next week.  Geoff’s experience came to the fore as a young kid of batsman, perhaps dazzled by the pearly white Baselayer, tried an ugly swipe and was bowled.

Nine wickets down and in she came to bat.  Every time this happens, JJ is bowling but she was at the non strikers end.  Try as he might he couldn’t feed a single to the one remaining bloke who looked about 12.  Skip tried to give them a bye by going tfor a ball with his feet but instead managed to expertly chip the ball up for himself – it was that kind of day.  As the final ball of the over was about to bowled, Geoff implored the fielders to stop the single so that he could have a full over bowling at the object of Jonjo’s affection.  Stop the single they did and so up stepped one man and his Baselayer. 

With the field in, the experienced maestro fairly tweaked one between bat and pad and into the Skip’s left glove.  The Skip was so surprised to have caught it that he failed to look for the stumping chance which was there as she was wandering around outside the crease.  The sense of hilarity was there a second later as she mowed the next delivery for 4.  Next ball was taken by the skip who waited for her to wander outside the crease before taking the bails off, game over, thanks for coming... oh wait, the umpire isn’t watching.  Like the pro that he is though, Geoff worked out that he needed to hit the stumps to get her out and so it came to pass off the last ball of the over that HCE were bowled out for 61.

And so the juggernaut is up and running again and now there are just two games to go and the 19 points gained today mean that 35 points are required from the remaining 2 games .  Next to step into the path of the Village are Blake Lapthorn who should really go the same way as HCE did today.  The Village were fortunate today to be able to call on the services of a Legend and the hoards of people who were present today, including those 3 fit joggers who jogged and jiggled their way past in their lycra, will be able to look back and say ‘I was there’.    Mick the Teeth – what a guy, batsman, bowler, fielder and unhealthy wreck.  He could have that on his head stone if he was dead.

Billy Shite, Theatre of Trees, about to start the 3 mile uphill trudge back to the pub.

Black Ops: Fox Piss: Episode 3

Who the fuck is it, they cry!!!

Is it Joey ?

Up to the Sports centre again on Thursday for Operation Fox Piss: Part 3 as we take on HCE.... that is, as long as Groundsman, Me A.Prick lets us.

We've been shafted by withdrawals this week with The Hubbard and The Head being on holiday together at the same time and Kevmac being unavailable.  Typically, we are on manoeuvers in Operation Fox Piss 3 and our resident military tactician, Corporal Saunders is busy swapping the delights of Afghanistan for Portsmouth (the temperature is the only difference).  The Village were rocked by news on Tuesday night that Tom Richards has broken his finger trying to undo his genital piercing.

The depth of the squad has been tested and we have reached down into the depths and come up with Seasick Steve and Clive whilst Geoff gets another opportunity to peel on the Baselayer.  The BIG news is the return of a player from yesteryear, a true Village legend.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you.... a surprise.

Village Line Up

1 Colin Day
2 Mystery Legend
3 Sean Tongs
4 Glen de la Cour
5 Clive Davison
6 Jonjo Stovell
7 Steve Paul
8 Luke Blackwell
9 Phil Jewell
10 Geoff Edwards
11 Barry Stovell

Three games to go.... three wins and we will almost certainly be going to the Rose Bowl Dinner in November.

BRING.IT.ON !!!!

COME ON THE VILLAGE !!!!!!

Village denied by Prick Groundsman

A.Prick: Groundsman

Billy Shite of the Daily Sporting Arse at the Sports Centre where despite there being no rain of any note all day and despite the ground being rock hard, Village against Carnival was called off by the Groundsman, A. Prick.   When interviewed, Mr Prick lied about it being called off first thing this morning (which it wasn't).  The League Secretary was informed of Mr Prick's decision by email at 3.45pm and this email wasn't read until 6.15pm, by which time, everyone had turned up for the Village match and for the two other matches due to be played at the venue.  Also, Kerala had the same story at the LCG but as they beat the Village last week, we can snigger at that one.

It was a shame as the Mighty Village were going to absolutely thump Carnival out of sight - they had Spaul bowling and everything and Jonjo was going to have a bat.  Seasick Steve was playing as well and he's a legend.

Next up.... Call Of Duty: Fox Piss Episode 3 (A.Prick permitting)

Dayer Wins Fitness Battle for Carnival Clash

Dayer:  Passed Fit

West End Saints v Carnival at the poxy Sports Centre where you can use the top car park and have a 20 minute walk to the pitch, or you can use the bottom car park and have a long walk home after your car gets nicked.  Skip’s vow to shake up the squad after last week’s defeat has come to pass with the experience of Kevmac and The Hubbard being dropped down to drink carrying duty.  Geoff Edwards makes a return (including newly washed Baselayer 2nd Skin) after being blamed for last week and Clive Davison comes in as every team needs a left handed fielder.  Mike the Sperm has been working on his muscles all week and the powerarm is not quite ready yet but I'm assured that when it returns, it wil be bigger and better than ever.  Dayer's high level of natural fitness means he has recovered quicker than expected from injuries sustained completing a 2^nd run last week and Spaul has not recovered but plays anyway, this time as a pace bowler.  Joey Deacon is on standby to replace him.

Carnival were 2^nd in the league until last week when they somehow managed to lose to HCE – they of the Fox Piss. 

Village line-up.

1 Colin Day
2 Tom Richards
3 Sean Tongs
4 Jonjo Stovell
5 Glen de la Cour
6 Clive Davison
7 Steve Paul
8 Phil Jewell
9 Luke Blackwell
10 Geoff Edwards
11 Rob Saunders

COME ON THE VILLAGE !!!

By the way.... here’s the current League Table

Division 5	P	W	T	L	PTS	AVE
West End Saints	10	8	0	2	162	16.20
Kerala	9	7	0	2	139	15.44
Carnival	9	6	0	3	134	14.89
HCE	9	3	0	6	74	8.22
Knowle Village	10	2	0	8	79	7.90
Blake Lapthorne	9	2	0	7	65	7.22

Village Blow It in Floodlit Cricket Without the Floodlights

15th Over: 9.20pm: Big Betty steams in Out of the Trees

Billy Shite reporting for the Daily Sporting Arse, from the Theatre of Trees where we have a top of the table clash between the Mighty Village and Kerala.  A Village win tonight and they would have one hand on the league trophy, a win for the opposition and it would be all to play for.  The toss was lost by Spaul with Kerala opting to bat.  The game started quarter of an hour late after all the usual problems of getting players to this nightmare of a venue having all lugged their gear about a mile from the car park.

In thundered the Jeweller to the Kerala captain who, off the third ball, smashed it for a straight six which really should have been an eight as it went so far.  The five minutes spent looking for the ball were spent rearranging the field by the Skip and the remaining 4 players not looking for the ball.  Tactical move ahoy as Kevmac was brought on to open up at the other end as he was still scarred by the thumping he got off of Big Betty the last time these two sides met.  The Jeweller and Kevmac contributed tightish overs and a half chance for Tommy 49 in the deep which he didn’t pick up soon enough.  First bowling change with the Jeweller being removed after pleading to come off and now it was time for Mackem Rob to steam in.

His first over was a dream as he fired Yorkers in at the batsmans legs before his slower ball did him all ends up to bring the first wicket.  The next ball really should have brought another wicket one way or another as Mackem Rob appealed for lbw as the ball slammed into the Skip’s chest as he forgot to use the big glove things.   ‘Not Out’ was the verdict and the batsman happily chuntered away that he’d hit it, not making the Skip’s mood any better as he’d now officially dropped a sitter.  As we were to find out later, this batsman wasn’t the most trustworthy.

The next Mackem over was again going well and some pressure was building on the Kerala batsmen but a 10 yard throw from Tommy 49 sailed over his 6 foot 1 wicket keeper for 4 overthrows and then a lucky deflection off a pad shot along the ground and past the flailing Skip for 4 more.  An eventful over continued with a flick off the legs to where Spaul would have been if he didn’t have his Heather Mills prosthetic leg on which wouldn’t bend enough for him to go forward six inches and catch it.

Lookie Pace was on at the other end and was having radar difficulties on his first over and giving Skip nightmares behind the stumps by firing down the leg side.  The umpiring rule of thumb seemed to be that if the Skip stopped it down the leg side, then it was a wide and if Skip missed it then it wasn’t a wide, regardless of how wide the ball actually was. 

It was all happening for the Mackem boy and the batsmen who the Skip had dropped earlier tried a kind of hook shot and clearly top-edged on straight into the Skip’s gloves.  Umpire says Nooooo.  Of course, it is up to the umpire to give him out and if you’re to batsman, you have no obligation to walk off.  I think you do however.... when your own team is umpiring and you are waving the bat above your head and quite clearly smash it.  The heart monitors in the nearby General Hospital picked up that nick and it measured more on the richter scale than the 3.9 earthquake in the English Channel.  Absolutely everyone knew that was out and so it all kicked off with Mackem Rob and Tommy 49 in particular, having words to say... beating front or something like that.  At the end of the over he admitted that he’d hit it.  Nice bloke – just shut the fuck up.  Expect the Skip to be fined for failing to control his players.

Lookie was on fire in his second over as he found his range and the run rate was slowing thanks to the bowling but also thanks to some excellent fielding with the Hoobard being like a magnet to the ball in the outfield and Jeweller de Vito sweeping up behind the Skip who was having a mare. 
Lookie Pace’s fine spell of bowling got better in his third over as the remaining opener tried a wanky improvised reverse sweep thing and got bowled before the poetic justice occurred when the batsmen who’d caused it all to kick off was superbly caught in the deep by Mackem Rob, putting into context his abysmal drop from last week.  Did you hit that one?

Joy at the wickets was tempered with the arrival of Big Betty but there was more Village joy in Lookie Pace’s next over as the other batsman holed out to JJ Fox who sprinted in with his distinctive running style and claimed the knee high catch.   Owing to both Lookie’s fine performance and a bit of a fuck up in captaincy, the last two overs had to be bowled by two new bowlers with Spaul taking No.15 and restricting them to 6 and then JJ getting stitched up with the last one and going for 15 with one four being edged by Big Betty over the Skip’s head and the last ball of the innings giving us the chance to survey the majesty of the Guru’s tunnel technique on the boundary. 136-5 and a gettable target.

Dayer and Tommy 49 made a careful start and it was notable that Dayer was running like a cricketer between the wickets and not like Douglas Bader.  The big man clearly saw this as a challenge and he seemed determined to drill a hole in one particular fielder on the boundary who was disappointingly proving to be up to the job and stopping everything.  It couldn’t last though and a boundary bobbled through his legs which ushered in carnage with both batsman beginning to see it well and crash it around.

As happened last week, desperation for a wicket brought funny lbw appeals, made even funnier by the fact that they were expecting Mackem Rob to give them.  The bowler asking the umpire why he hadn’t given one as he’d appealed 4 times, kind of tell you all you need to know.  Why is it not out?.... because I say so!!!

90-0 with both batsmen on 40 and playing very well, Dayer smelt a pint or a pie or needed a piss and went beserk with four fours and a six onto the golf course.  The ball was taking longer and longer to be retrieved by the Kerala fielders and all was looking pretty good for the Village aside from the fact that it was 9pm and already pretty dark.  Tommy 49 was now struggling to see the ball and so we arrived at the 15^th over with the Village on 120-0, Big Betty to bowl.

First ball to Dayer… golf course for 6 and again the ball took ages to come back.  2^nd ball and his off stump was flattened with an attempted repeat.  As the Guru came in it was going to be interesting to see if a new batsman could pick it up with Betty bowling from the end with a nice background of very dark trees…. Nope, bowled first ball and in comes the Skip to face hat-trick ball.  He didn’t actually move as the ball hit him but he survived anyhow…. Next ball, bowled.  It was good bowling to be fair but you could understand why Stevie Wonder never played cricket.

Kerala then bowled the first ball of the last over with a bowler who wasn’t allowed to bowl any more.  ‘Sorry’ they said, ‘hmmmm’ said the Village as he was replaced after another predictable delay.  The Jeweller faced a couple and got bowled as well bringing in Lookie Pace to try and smash 8 off the last 2 balls which became 6 off the last ball to win.  Hampered by what was by now, complete darkness, he swished and missed and so Kerala had won by 5 runs.

Kerala celebrated like they’d won the World Cup and the Village sucked it up and shook hands through gritted teeth.  There are a number of reasons and turning points as to why this game slipped away from the Village but they did take too long to bowl their overs which is something you have to get on with if you’re going to be batting second.  This pales into insignificance when you compare it to the Guru letting a 4 through his tunnel legs – if he hadn’t have done that we’d have only lost by 3.  Anyway, you win as a team and lose as a team but it's the Guru's fault... and Jonjo's of course and Geoff's even though he wasn't playing.

The good news for the Village is that 4 wins from now to the end of the season all but guarantees winning the league so it’s in their own hands.  On paper, the most difficult game is up next against Carnival who appear to be in a bit of a false position in the league due to all their games against either Kerala or the Village being rained off.  No Village players were available for interview after the game as it was so late they were worried about the bar being closed.

This is Billy Shite for the Daily Sporting Arse at the Theatre of Trees, in the fucking dark.

Spaul Still Boring His Way to Batting Prize Whilst Kevmac Streaks Ahead

Guru : 3rd Place

BATTING         Inns N/O  Runs Average        

S Paul          5    4     97   97.00
T Richards      5    2    252   84.00
S Tongs         8    5    200   66.67     
C Day           7    2    268   53.60     
P Jewell        2    1     21   21.00     
G de la Cour    3    0     59   19.67
M Head          2    1     11   11.00     

Also Batted:                              
J Stovell       1    0      8    8.00      
N Hubbard       1    0      0    0.00
L Blackwell     1    1     33    #DIV/0!
R Saunders      1    1      0    #DIV/0!        

"Piss Off has McCarthy got twice as many wickets as me ?"

BOWLING        Overs Runs Wkts Strike     Econ Average

K McCarthy      25.5 149  20    7.65      5.84   7.45
P Jewell        23   93   10   13.80      4.04   9.30
J Stovell       17   116  11    9.27      6.82  10.55
L Blackwell     18   88   8    13.50      4.89  11.00
G Edwards       13   89   4    19.50      6.85  22.25
R Saunders      19   94   4    28.50      4.95  23.50
N Hubbard       11   80   1    66.00      7.27  80.00

Also Bowled:                              

S Paul          1    1    1    6.00       1.00   1.00
C Day           1    7    1    6.00       7.00   7.00
B Stovell       1    12   0    #DIV/0!   12.00  #DIV/0!

Village Out for Revenge

Mikey Sperm Contemplates Sitting Out a Game

Round 3 of the league season is upon up and West End Saints / the Mighty Village take on Kerala once more. A win for the Village on Thursday will go a long way to securing the title as we’ll be two wins ahead of them with 4 games to go.  Defeat will mean it’s two defeats each and all to play for with Carnival coming into play as they’ve only lost 2 as well.   Personally, I’m still reeling from the complete thumping we got off Kerala last time around, so we have something to put right and of course, we have to celebrate every wicket like we’ve just won the World Cup.  I know it's kind of petty and childish to imitate the other team but there you go.

The youthful element of our side returns for this one with Tom, Luke and Jonjo (combined age about 58) replacing Seasick Steve, Geoff (and his Baselayer Undergarment) and Clive (combined age 150+).  Luke is of course, back in the side as revenge is on our minds and we may need him to take one of them out with a shoulder charge like he did in the last time around.  The Guru is also back, replacing the Sprayer who threw his shoulder out winging it back to the keeper with extreme power, last week.

Team is:

1 Dayer
2 Tommy Tempah
3 The Guru
4 Skip Over the Cow
5 Spaul
6 The Hoo-bard
7 J de Vito
8 Luke ‘Chaaaaaaarge’ Blackwell
9 JJ Foxpiss
10 Mackem Robbie Catchit
11 Kevmac Arthy

12^th Man: Joey Deacon
Drinks: David Blunkett
Groundsman: Stephen Hawking

Season Defining game.... Come on the Village!!!!

Village Justify Deacon Non-Selection in Cow Corner Carnage

Deacon: Not Selected

Billy Shite at the LCG for the Daily Sporting Arse to watch Village Clash: The Sequel.  Table toppers they might be but the Mighty Village had a few problems today with a number of drop outs meaning that the average age was about 46.  The ‘anyone know any players’ appeal by the selection committee threw up such names as Joey Deacon and Stephen Hawking as potential like for like replacements for Jonjo and Lookie but they were unavailable through death and orbiting the moon respectively.  Two of the remaining relative youngsters, Spaul at 43 and Skip at 42, limped up to the ground and debated who was limping less and therefore, who would open the batting with Dayer.  Skip won the toss and decided to get it over with so in he went, due to Spaul’s more impressive limp, to face the Not-so-mighty Village Attack.

The slips were passing comment on the Skip’s antique Graeme Hick bat and soon shut up when he was served with couple of pies early on which he smashed to the boundary.  Dayer was taking a liking to the spinner from the other end (I use the term ‘spinner’ loosely) and powered him for three fours in one over.  Thus the tone was set with Dayer playing shots all round the wicket and the Skip playing almost exclusively over the cow, demonstrating an Eoin Morgan-like level of invention to get any ball of any length or line, over the cow.  The animal theme was in full swing when a Skip pull shot managed to hit a bloody great dog which was being walked round the boundary by a dozy bugger who ended up pushing the dog into the ball.  No harm done thankfully. 

The momentum was building nicely but was thwarted by an all run 3 which left the Skip lying on the ground stretching his back and Dayer yelling ‘hit....a.....fucking....boundary’ in between gasps or sweet tasting Lordshill air.  The score motored on and desperation for a breakthrough set in, bringing with it, humourous lbw appeals.  There was one vociferous appeal after a forward defensive middle-of-the-bat push from Dayer which, if had had any more wood in it would have been a fucking tree.  Then an appeal comparable in it’s ridiculousness (is that a word?) against the Skip which at least hit the pad but as he’d backed away so far that the umpire could still see all 3 stumps, it was highly unlikely to be out.

With both batsmen in the 40s, acceleration was the order of the day and both tried and failed and perished in 2 balls as Dayer went long and not high enough and got caught for 42 and then Skip went high and not far enough and departed for 45.  Good catches both and so Spaul and the Jeweller de Vito were in.

They weren’t hanging about either and both hit a couple of fours with one delightful effort from Spaul going straight through a fielder and one from the Jeweller nearly ending in fielder injury as the berk dived into the sightscreen.  De Vito eventually holed out to another good catch to bring in Mackem Rob to swish and miss at two wides and a legal delivery and so the Mighty Village closed on 125-3, a score they would have settled for at the start.

The between innings interval was taken up with Dayer having a moan up about some of his runs allegedly going on the Skip’s score.  The scorecard has since been checked by an anally retentive lackey of mine and I’m pleased to report the integrity of the scorers (Mikey Sperm and the Jeweller) is intact and I can now categorically confirm that the Skip (45 off 37 balls) did score at a faster rate than the moaning git (42 off 41).

The think tank brains trust of Skip and Spaul were deep in conversation when setting the field, trying to hide 9 immobile fielders who can’t throw.  When they eventually gave up and just told everyone to spread out in a circle, the Jeweller and Mackem Rob kept it tight to immediately put Knowle Village well down on the required run rate.

Off the last ball of his second over, Mackem Rob got the breakthrough with a beautifully disguised slower ball which was far too good for the Knowle Village skipper who lost his timbers.  It was a bit like a JJ Fox slower ball other than that it wasn’t bowled with a different action and it didn’t come down with snow on it.... and it was straight... and it pitched on the green bit.

Wickets were needed and so Kevmac was brought on to bowl to their most dangerous hitter who mowed a four before flat batting a shot straight to the Jeweller on the boundary.  It was unlucky to pick out one of the two fielders who may have caught it but catch it he did and 2 men down.  Geoff, tightly packed into his 2^nd skin was on and after one delivery of filth, settled down and pinged back off stump to bring the 3^rd wicket.

It was roughly at this point that the fielding effort began to unravel with the old men of the Mighty Village realising that it was time for Horlicks and Sanatogen.  It started with a risky second run to the only fielder who could throw – a smooth pick up and throw by Mackem Rob and a complete bollocks of an effort to gather by the Skip, shocked at receiving a decent throw at above ankle height.  The inevitable insult that arrived almost as quickly as the ball, rhymed with plastic.

The Hoob was on and striving for his first wicket of the season and it looked like it was arriving as the ball was carved towards Dayer in the covers at catchable height.  Time stood still as Dayer positioned himself and the ball kind of swerved round him as he totally failed to get a touch.   One thing you learn when bowling for the Mighty Village is that you have to do all the work yourself so the Hoob did just that off the next ball, snagging a sharpish caught and bowled chance to get rid of the second opener, the 8 foot giant.

One thing that can always be relied on in the field is Mikey Sperm and his power arm, proving that being Quadroplegic is no impediment for fielding like a demon.  Rumour has it that he can Spray Sperm further than he can throw a ball and I know what my money would be on.  Spaul was standing very close at short mid-wicket as his knee hurt too much for him to walk away any further.  His close proximity to the bat was shown up when Geoff (deliberately) served up a slow full toss which was pulled straight into Spaul’s hands and down.  The look of horror when he realised that he didn’t have time to get out of the way was priceless.

Geoff and his base layer 2^nd skin were into their 3^rd over and into the groove, drawing the batsman out of his ground with flight and guile (a long hop) and the Skip eventually completed the stumping once he’d registered that he actually had the ball in his hands.  Two balls later and the base layer 2^nd skin got even tighter in the excitement of another batsman being deceived, this time by a straight one.

The Jeweller came back on in an effort to snag maximum bowling points and he produced a quicker ball which was sent into orbit.  Skip called but Soldier Saunders called louder and more confidently and stood underneath it as it fell to earth, hit his hands and flopped onto the deck, accompanied by a high pitched ‘Nooooooooo’ from the suitably embarrassed Northern Maestro – a truly epic drop.

Two balls later and the ball was up in the air again and the Sperm Sprayer was faced with trying to take one of those difficult over-the-shoulder-ones.  How he thought he was ever going to do this with his arms out wide in a crucifix pose is completely beyond me.  It’s not exaggerating to say that a beach ball would have gone through and hit the deck.  The only chance of him catching it was if it fell into his open mouth.  The passing of this chance was notable for the lack of a North Eastern accent giving it the large one.

Taxi for de Vito as the Jeweller roared in like the Incredible Hulk without the green skin and took away all element of doubt with some serious stump flattening.  The pursuit of a bowling bonus point brought Robbie Drop back on and his over produced one chance off the last ball – a high hanging bomb which came down on top of Seasick Steve – he looked confident but he’s been possessed by the spirit of the Mighty Village and so turfed it.  87-7 at the end and a comfortable win.

Next week it all gets serious as the Mighty Village play the only team to have beaten them this year in Kerala.  The winners of this match will have one hand on the prestigious Southampton Evening League Division 5 trophy and Qualification for the Champions League and all the riches that entails.  The selection committee have selection issues with JJ Fox, Lookie, Tommy Tempah and the Guru all returning.  Injuries will have to be assessed for next week and as we reach the business end of the season, we must expect the Mighty Village to be ruthless with no room for sentiment.... or shit fielding.  They say ‘catches win matches’ because it rhymes... but it also happens to be true so there will be no Village victory parade next week if they butcher this number of dismissals again.  They have been warned.

Billy Shite, Daily Sporting Arse at the LCG.

Skip's Wagon Wheel, Yesterday