Black Ops: Fox Piss
Jonjo was not Impressed with his Outfit for Operation Fox Piss
After a 30 year embargo on information, the truth can finally be told.
Players parachute into Lordshill at 1800 hours, Target sighted, much sniggering. Rear Admiral JJ Stovell at the ready with his company of crack troops. Despite two withdrawals by the lily-livered Spaul and the Jeweller (who both dropped out to protect their averages), the Village had a full complement of eager assassins with Seasick Steve and Lookie Back-Injury, primed and ready for action.
HCE, who were horribly outnumbered, turned up with 8 players plus one coming later allegedly, lost the toss and the Village mounted the first attack with the Guru and Tommy Drop opening the batting. The wicket at the LCG usually suffers from being two paced, inconsistent in bounce and generally shite whereas the outfield is usually just slow and the boundaries are miles away. Today was no exception but he Guru was on fire, expertly showing how to miss all the gaps and hit one of the 6 fielders. When gaps were found we were treated to that rarest of sights in the Evening League, an all run 4. Dayer watched on admiringly, explaining how he’d have run the first one quickly and turned it into a 2.
Just as it looked like the Village were going to get going and make hay, the Guru went on the attack but forgot to hit the ball and got bowled for 9 to bring in Dayer who suffered a difficult start by getting hit in the ribs and then having to scrape a ball off of the ground. He then surpassed himself by managing to get bowled in every detail, aside from the bails not falling off. There seemed to be a bit of an appeal going on which was slightly odd. No matter how many times the TV umpire looked at it – the bails did not fall off.
Annoyed at this turn of events, HCE sprang one from the darkest recesses of the book of tactics and commandeered two kebab salesmen who were playing with a beach cricket set beyond the boundary. The Skip strolled onto the pitch to find out what was going on and whilst he desperately wanted to say ‘no, fuck off’, he decided that there was nothing in the rule book to stop them being signed on. It was however agreed that they wouldn’t bat or bowl. So, Stavros in green and Zorba in blue were part of the game and HCE were up to 10. None of this mattered to Tommy and Dayer who were subjected to a succession of pies, 4-4-4-4 etc
The score accelerated as the bowling got worse and the watching Village bowlers must have been encouraged by deliveries pitching on a length and then rolling along the ground. Dayer reached his 50 and Tommy nearly got run out by a great pick up and thrown and a direct hit from Zorba. Both batsmen were playing really well and so, we arrived at the last over with Tommy on 48 and on strike. He nicked a single off the first ball and Dayer did likewise of the 2nd. Tommy spent the next three balls trying to bring up his 50 by hitting the ball to France
Mackem Rob took the first over and immediately tied up the HCE openers who managed just one run off the over. A surprise off of the 2nd ball of the next over as Kevmac lobbed down a full bunger which was smashed for 6 over the cow with Dayer reprising the role he played against Kerala and standing on the boundary watching it fly over his head. Any thoughts that HCE may make a game of it were dented off the last ball of Macken Rob’s next over as the HCE skipper was comprehensively bowled, 11-1.
Kevmac’s new gameplan of making it bounce on the green, uneven bit paid immediate dividends as the bloke who hit the 6, wasn’t so clever when it pitched and got bowled, 11-2. Another batsman, another straight delivery, bowled, 11-3. For the hat-trick ball, everyone closed in and all hoped the ball wouldn’t go to Tommy Drop who has form. Kevmac went all Bill Frindall for a bit and said that he’d been on a hat-trick 353 times and never achieved it… he bowls… 354. The over then repeated itself as Balls 4 and 5 were identical to balls 1 and 2…. Another 2 straight ones and two wickets bowled and the 6th ball was smothered. So, 7 balls ago, HCE were 11-0 and now they were 11-5.
Despite pleading that he wanted to bowl another over to get nearer to JJ in the averages, Mackem Rob was withdrawn and replaced with the Hoob who bowled his obligatory first ball horror wide before coming perilously close to taking his first wicket ever for the rest of the over. Maybe next week…
On came JJ Fox for a bowl and it took him all of two balls to pick up a wicket when a kind of leading edge looped back to him, pouched and 14 for 6. The exceitement in the celebration was a bit much, bearing in mind the state of the match at the time. Operation Fox Piss was in full swing now as the last man (girl) came into bat. JJ opted for a new style of delivery to attempt to conclude Operation Fox Piss. Shane Warne always talked of having mystery ball and his deliveries all had similar names like the Flipper and the Zooter. JJ gave the world the first view of the Nobber – it’s a delivery that starts about 3 yards outside off stump, pitches and then rolls along the ground resulting in a no ball. Spin, bounce, flight, drift, direction – it had none of these. What it did have was all the Village close fielder either hurling insults or lying on the ground laughing. Another Nobber ball and another no ball and Mackem Rob demanding that JJ respect the opposition, shortly before farting as JJ delivered the next ball. It was a good job she blocked it as the keeper and slips were all giggling like little girls and/or passing out.
Lookie came on and put his back to the test by attempting to spin ball. To be fair, despite the stodgepile wicket, he managed it, bowled, 21-7 and no one left to come in. Operation Fox Piss had been brought to a victorious climax in a mere 7 overs…. 21 all out for a victory by 114 runs. Early finish, Pub.
There will be more testing games than this for the Village but the Juggernaut was for today anyway, back on the road and gathering speed again. Next up are Blake Lapthorn who have a couple of batsmen to be wary of but with the Jeweller expected to return next week, the Village expect to be triumphant again. HCE have to face the might of the Village again before the end of the season in a game that will be codenamed, Operation Fox Piss and Digestives.
For now, this is Billy Shite at the LCG for the Daily Sporting Arse.
Black Ops: Fox Piss :
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