Student Vagrant Takes Rob's Advice to 'Fuck Off'
Billy Shite of the Daily Sporting Arse, here at Hoglands Park for the return match between the Mighty Village
The Guru took over from Spaul as team tosser for the week and duly did poor tossing despite all the practice he puts in and the Village found themselves in the field, bowling on a track that was so far over one side of the square, it was virtually down the Docks with short boundaries straight at both ends. No problem for the Jeweller though who wasn’t giving the Kerala openers anything to hit. At the other end, Mackem Rob was bowling quick and beating the bat but a couple of thickish edges flew for 4. A feature of the first few overs was the umpire stopping the bowlers run ups to allow the batsmen to prepare themselves... I didn’t think that was part of an umpires job. The fifth over brought the first wicket as a Jeweller yorker hit him right in front. It was one of those appeals that wasn’t full-throttle as everyone knew it was 100% out. After about 10 seconds, the umpire had exhausted in his mind, all the reasons for not giving it and off he went.
After 7 overs and with the Village well on top, the first change of bowling with the new slim-line Geoffrey coming into the attack, fresh from a three week break which ended with a trip to hospital. First ball full bunger, bang, 4. Spread out lads!!! It improved but the undoubted highlight was Kerala taking a quick single to Lookie B who rolled at the stumps – the Skip missed it as he’s a lumbering oaf and Lookie set off after it, just as the batsmen turned blind for a second run.... and got absolutely taken out. It was the full shoulder under the chin, helmet off, lying on his back on the floor treatment. Lookie was protesting that he’d taken a dive and there was an element of Christiano Ronaldo about it as the batsman lay in the recovery position trying to get some air back in his lungs. After a short delay we were off again.
Kevmac came on at the other end and picked up a wicket with an almost identical lbw to the Jewellers one earlier. Again the umpire took an age but had to give it, though bizarrely, he turned away and gave him out whilst looking at cow corner. Very strange. This dismissal brought in a big tall bugger and so the game changed. Bang 6, Bang 4, Bang 4, oh dear. It wasn’t just clearing the boundary, it was going miles. Kevmac and Geoff tried manfully to stem the haemorrhaging of runs but it wasn’t going very well and the run rate increased. Comedy fielding was beginning to creep in with Mackem Rob pulling off a sliding stop, immaculate in every way other than in the fact that he wasn’t close enough to the ball when he tried it and just ended up in a heap on the floor while someone else did the fielding.
The Hoob was to see some bowling action and his first ball disappeared over the road as carnage took hold. The rest of the over went for 10 more and so desperate bowler juggling was the order of the day. Even JJ Gimp got a bowl and his first ball also disappeared though to be fair, Dayer could have caught this one if he’d fielded where the Skip told him, which was half way up a tree.
Slimline Geoff picked up a wicket when he was given the charge and the Skip completed the stumping but unfortunately, it wasn’t the big bugger who was out oh no... he was still smashing it all over the place as he passed 50 with a big carver for 4 which JJ Gimp would have stopped if he wasn’t chatting to his mates on the boundary. Fully justified abuse followed. Mackem Rob took the last over and was smashed for 6 with the ball thumping down on the roof of a van. Carnage and Kerala had gone from 38-1 after 7 overs to 161-3 off 16.
Kerala were chuffed as nuts with their effort but the Village would surely not give up their unbeaten record without a fight. Dayer and Guru, being the only two batsmen, got he Village off to a decent start with Dayer in particular looking like he needed to get home early. Having been dropped once, he hit a couple of nice 4s before skying one and getting caught.
The comedy batting order meant that JJ Gimp was in next and he smashed a nice boundary before playing fish and miss for a bit and departing bowled soon after. Still the Guru was defiant at one end, playing like a man who one upon a time knew how to play and he hadn’t yet forgotten all of it. In compelte contrast to the technically correct Guru, the Skip flailed away like a man with an inner ear infection, though he did smash his first ball, a head high full toss for 4. There was an interruption at this point when the Umpiring Mackem Rob had the opportunity to 'move' a couple of interloping student vagrant types from the outfield. Not sure but there may have been a 'fuck' and an 'off' in his fatherly advice. A couple of streaky Skip legside boundaries followed before he too was back in the hutch having comprehensive been bowled trying to smash one off the back foot that kept low.
Out came Lookie, looking to give it some biff and to give a shoulder charge to anyone who thought they were hard enough. He and the Guru stopped the rot and too the Village into the latter overs but unfortunately the run rate required had gone through the roof and there was no one to hit the ball in the road like the big bugger did. The Guru eventually departed with 3 overs to go for 38 to bring in the Jeweller for his first bat of the season and the Village’s 100% record finally went off the last ball when Lookie failed to hit 44 off of it.
The Village got a bit of a pasting today and though they can point to their absentees, to be honest, it wouldn’t have mattered who had played. Big guy was going to smash everything and having a couple of extra batsmen wouldn’t have changed that. It was a short boundary at both ends and he hit very straight and hard. Fair play. Bastard.
The Village have a week to pick themselves up and get the temporarily parked juggernaut back on the road when they play Carnival and their nice kit at this same venue… the same Carnival who beat Kerala last week. Will the Village strike back or will they curl up and die again….
Billy Shite
Daily Sporting Arse
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