Breaking News: Sperm Sprayer Out

Mike Sperm Sprayer has today been placed on gardening leave to attend a course of rehabilitation at the Sex Addiction clinic in Derby Road. His offence of 'firing indescriminately into a crowd of women' was deemed serious enough for sanctions to be imposed. Giggsy will be missed by his team mates who will proceed on their quest without him. His place in the Village line up will be taken tonight by Seasick Steve, freshly returned from Glastonbury and over his injury from fielding a ball with his arse, last week. Statement Ends. A information in this statement covered by Super Injunction.

Nigel Bottles It

A Bottler, Yesterday

Half-way mark of the season as the Mighty Village take on Blake Lapthorn at the Parks.  The first meeting of the teams this season was notable for the Hoob spitting fury at every opposition player he used to work with, so he's been rested for this game - that's the official line anyway the bottling bastard.  The first match was also notable for a bloke taking 20 minutes to put a helmet on, some comedy fielding (walking over the boundary with the ball and not calling it 4) and the infamous "let her off cos she's a girl" incident.

The Village have 11 men, fair and true for the task at hand and these include the returning Spaul and Jeweller de Vito.  Coming in for his first appearance of the season is Clive Davison who last scored a run in 1974.  He's replacing Dayer in the battng line up who has scored 230 odd this season.  Aside from the Hoob and Dayer, the other player rested is Seasick Steve, currently stuck in the mud at Glastonbury.

6.30, Thursday at Hoglands Park,
Get there early ladies, to reserve your place on Mikey Sperm's lap.

Team is:
1 Guru
2 Tommy 'out for 49, shit, fuck, motherfukkaaaaaa'
3 Gonzo
4 If Carlsberg did Captains, they'd be a lot better than this clown
5 Sperm Sprayer
6 WG Clive
7 Lookie Spin
8 JJ Fox Piss
9 Jewell de Vito
10 Rob 'Respect the Opposition' Saunders
11 Kevmac

Lets go to work!!!

COME ON THE VILLAGE!!!

Village in Fox Piss Annihilation

Black Ops:  Fox Piss

Jonjo was not Impressed with his Outfit for Operation Fox Piss

After a 30 year embargo on information, the truth can finally be told.

Players parachute into Lordshill at 1800 hours, Target sighted, much sniggering.  Rear Admiral JJ Stovell at the ready with his company of crack troops.  Despite two withdrawals by the lily-livered Spaul and the Jeweller (who both dropped out to protect their averages), the Village had a full complement of eager assassins with Seasick Steve and Lookie Back-Injury, primed and ready for action.

HCE, who were horribly outnumbered, turned up with 8 players plus one coming later allegedly, lost the toss and the Village mounted the first attack with the Guru and Tommy Drop opening the batting.  The wicket at the LCG usually suffers from being two paced, inconsistent in bounce and generally shite whereas the outfield is usually just slow and the boundaries are miles away.  Today was no exception but he Guru was on fire, expertly showing how to miss all the gaps and hit one of the 6 fielders.  When gaps were found we were treated to that rarest of sights in the Evening League, an all run 4.  Dayer watched on admiringly, explaining how he’d have run the first one quickly and turned it into a 2.  

Just as it looked like the Village were going to get going and make hay, the Guru went on the attack but forgot to hit the ball and got bowled for 9 to bring in Dayer who suffered a difficult start by getting hit in the ribs and then having to scrape a ball off of the ground.  He then surpassed himself by managing to get bowled in every detail, aside from the bails not falling off.  There seemed to be a bit of an appeal going on which was slightly odd.  No matter how many times the TV umpire looked at it – the bails did not fall off.

Annoyed at this turn of events, HCE sprang one from the darkest recesses of the book of tactics and commandeered two kebab salesmen who were playing with a beach cricket set beyond the boundary.  The Skip strolled onto the pitch to find out what was going on and whilst he desperately wanted to say ‘no, fuck off’, he decided that there was nothing in the rule book to stop them being signed on.  It was however agreed that they wouldn’t bat or bowl.  So, Stavros in green and Zorba in blue were part of the game and HCE were up to 10.  None of this mattered to Tommy and Dayer who were subjected to a succession of pies, 4-4-4-4 etc

The score accelerated as the bowling got worse and the watching Village bowlers must have been encouraged by deliveries pitching on a length and then rolling along the ground.  Dayer reached his 50 and Tommy nearly got run out by a great pick up and thrown and a direct hit from Zorba.  Both batsmen were playing really well and so, we arrived at the last over with Tommy on 48 and on strike.  He nicked a single off the first ball and Dayer did likewise of the 2^nd.  Tommy spent the next three balls trying to bring up his 50 by hitting the ball to France and the 3^rd effort brought his downfall, probably as a result of the Skip taking his pads off.  In came Mike the Head for the last ball which he expertly bunted over the bowler but Dayer didn’t get a call and there is no way he’s going to run if he doesn’t have to.  So, 135-2 which would probably be enough on this track, one would have thought.  The two new fielders hadn’t really influenced the game much as Zorba had touched the ball once and Stavros hadn’t even managed that.

Mackem Rob took the first over and immediately tied up the HCE openers who managed just one run off the over.  A surprise off of the 2^nd ball of the next over as Kevmac lobbed down a full bunger which was smashed for 6 over the cow with Dayer reprising the role he played against Kerala and standing on the boundary watching it fly over his head.  Any thoughts that HCE may make a game of it were dented off the last ball of Macken Rob’s next over as the HCE skipper was comprehensively bowled, 11-1. 

Kevmac’s new gameplan of making it bounce on the green, uneven bit paid immediate dividends as the bloke who hit the 6, wasn’t so clever when it pitched and got bowled, 11-2.  Another batsman, another straight delivery, bowled, 11-3.  For the hat-trick ball, everyone closed in and all hoped the ball wouldn’t go to Tommy Drop who has form.  Kevmac went all Bill Frindall for a bit and said that he’d been on a hat-trick 353 times and never achieved it…  he bowls… 354.  The over then repeated itself as Balls 4 and 5 were identical to balls 1 and 2…. Another 2 straight ones and two wickets bowled and the 6^th ball was smothered.  So, 7 balls ago, HCE were 11-0 and now they were 11-5.

Despite pleading that he wanted to bowl another over to get nearer to JJ in the averages, Mackem Rob was withdrawn and replaced with the Hoob who bowled his obligatory first ball horror wide before coming perilously close to taking his first wicket ever for the rest of the over.  Maybe next week…

On came JJ Fox for a bowl and it took him all of two balls to pick up a wicket when a kind of leading edge looped back to him, pouched and 14 for 6.   The exceitement in the celebration was a bit much, bearing in mind the state of the match at the time.  Operation Fox Piss was in full swing now as the last man (girl) came into bat.  JJ opted for a new style of delivery to attempt to conclude Operation Fox Piss. Shane Warne always talked of having mystery ball and his deliveries all had similar names like the Flipper and the Zooter.  JJ gave the world the first view of the Nobber – it’s a delivery that starts about 3 yards outside off stump, pitches and then rolls along the ground resulting in a no ball.  Spin, bounce, flight, drift, direction – it had none of these.     What it did have was all the Village close fielder either hurling insults or lying on the ground laughing.  Another Nobber ball and another no ball and Mackem Rob demanding that JJ respect the opposition, shortly before farting as JJ delivered the next ball.  It was a good job she blocked it as the keeper and slips were all giggling like little girls and/or passing out.

Lookie came on and put his back to the test by attempting to spin ball.  To be fair, despite the stodgepile wicket, he managed it, bowled, 21-7 and no one left to come in.  Operation Fox Piss had been brought to a victorious climax in a mere 7 overs…. 21 all out for a victory by 114 runs.  Early finish, Pub.

There will be more testing games than this for the Village but the Juggernaut was for today anyway, back on the road and gathering speed again.  Next up are Blake Lapthorn who have a couple of batsmen to be wary of but with the Jeweller expected to return next week, the Village expect to be triumphant again.  HCE have to face the might of the Village again before the end of the season in a game that will be codenamed, Operation Fox Piss and Digestives.

For now, this is Billy Shite at the LCG for the Daily Sporting Arse.

Black Ops:  Fox Piss :

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Spaul and The Jeweller Lead the Way

Averages for the season so far....

Batting....

Batting	Inns	Not Out	Runs	Average
S Paul	4	3	84	84.00
T Richards	3	1	115	57.50
S Tongs	6	4	109	54.50
C Day	5	1	164	41.00
G de la Cour	2	0	14	7.00
Also Batted:
M Head	1	0	11	11.00
J Stovell	1	0	8	8.00
N Hubbard	1	0	0	0.00
L Blackwell	1	1	33	#DIV/0!
P Jewell	1	1	8	#DIV/0!

Bowling...

Bowling	Overs	Runs	Wkts	Strike	Econ	Average
P Jewell	17	75	9	11.33	4.41	8.33
K McCarthy	17.3	104	11	9.55	5.94	9.45
J Stovell	13	93	7	11.14	7.15	13.29
L Blackwell	14	74	5	16.80	5.29	14.80
R Saunders	10	53	2	30.00	5.30	26.50
G Edwards	10	73	1	60.00	7.30	73.00
N Hubbard	8	63	0	#DIV/0!	7.88	#DIV/0!
Also Bowled:
C Day	1	7	1	6.00	7.00	7.00

Operation Fox Piss Preview

A new ground to visit for Thursday’s match against HCE and we venture out into the wilds of Lordshill.  After two weeks of hell, getting a team together this week was relatively painless as there were no exams, rock festivals or Test matches at the Rose Bowl to contend with.  After all the effort of last week, it hammered it down and so it was cancelled anyway.

This week we attempt to return to winning ways against HCE who we bowled out for 40 the last time we played them in what will forever be remembered as the ‘I wonder if she smells of Fox Piss’ match.  Having had two weeks to dwell on their first defeat of the season, the Mighty Village will want to get back to winning ways.  The 11 fine men selected for Operation Fox Piss are:

1 Tom Richards
2 Steve Paul
3 Colin Day
4 Shaun Tongs
5 Mike Head
6 Glen de la Cour
7 Nigel Hubbard
8 Jonjo Stovell
9 Phil Jewell
10 Rob Saunders
11 Kev McCarthy

COME ON THE VILLAGE!!!

Pissing Rain Forecast

Pissing Rain - Thursday, Probably.

There comes a time in every season when you are running a side that you suddenly only have about 50% of the players that you actually need to form a team to play a particular match.  Usually it happens once a season but we're beating that particular statistic.  To be fair, there is a Test Match going on at the Rose Bowl and the younger element of the team all have exams about now which not something you normally have to deal with when the average age of the team is 47.  Also, we have injuries and Army manoeuvers to deal with.

Regardless of the distractions, Colin and Phil have agreed to hotfoot it from the Rose Bowl to get down to Hoglands Park by 6.30 and Jonjo is nipping out before a Friday exam and bringing one of his mates and Seasick Steve along to make up the 11.

We were within a couple of hours of the legendary Swoop (my Dad) coming out of retirement to play which would have been amusing as he can't run, catch, bat, bowl, see or go more than half an hour without a pee.

It's forecast to piss down with rain so all this effort may well have been for nowt.  If it does get cancelled I will be ont he phone straight away to make sure that Colin and Phil stay at the Rose Bowl and can watch the rain from there.  If we do get a game then we're playing Carnival who we beat easily a while back, who beat Kerala two weeks back, who stuffed us out of sight last week so how's that for a form guide.

Team is:
1 Sean the Guru
2 Colin Day
3 Spaul
4 Sam Mead
5 Mick the Head
6 Glen de la Cour - that's me, tired and emotional
7 Nigel Hubbard
8 Phil Jewell
9 Jonjo Stovell
10 Kev McCarthy
11 Seasick Steve

Almighty Village in 'Not as Good as they Thought they Were' Shocker

Student Vagrant Takes Rob's Advice to 'Fuck Off'

Billy Shite of the Daily Sporting Arse, here at Hoglands Park for the return match between the Mighty Village and Kerala.  These two met in the first match of the season and the Village were victorious as they started on the road of the 100% record they were defending today.  The build-up to the game had been fraught with selectorial issues and the upshot of this was that the Village took to the field with a line-up with 7 bowlers in it, augmented by Seasick Steve who as he knew in advance that he was playing, had turned up in whites instead of dungarees.  In summary, Spaul, Tommy Drop and Mick the Head were out, Mackem Rob, Geoff the Rash and Seasick Steve were in.

The Guru took over from Spaul as team tosser  for the week and duly did poor tossing despite all the practice he puts in and the Village found themselves in the field, bowling on a track that was so far over one side of the square, it was virtually down the Docks with short boundaries straight at both ends.    No problem for the Jeweller though who wasn’t giving the Kerala openers anything to hit.  At the other end, Mackem Rob was bowling quick and beating the bat but a couple of thickish edges flew for 4.  A feature of the first few overs was the umpire stopping the bowlers run ups to allow the batsmen to prepare themselves... I didn’t think that was part of an umpires job.  The fifth over brought the first wicket as a Jeweller yorker hit him right in front.  It was one of those appeals that wasn’t full-throttle as everyone knew it was 100% out.  After about 10 seconds, the umpire had exhausted in his mind, all the reasons for not giving it and off he went.

After 7 overs and with the Village well on top, the first change of bowling with the new slim-line Geoffrey coming into the attack, fresh from a three week break which ended with a trip to hospital.  First ball full bunger, bang, 4.  Spread out lads!!!  It improved but the undoubted highlight was Kerala taking a quick single to Lookie B who rolled at the stumps – the Skip missed it as he’s a lumbering oaf and Lookie set off after it, just as the batsmen turned blind for a second run.... and got absolutely taken out.  It was the full shoulder under the chin, helmet off, lying on his back on the floor treatment.  Lookie was protesting that he’d taken a dive and there was an element of Christiano Ronaldo about it as the batsman lay in the recovery position trying to get some air back in his lungs.  After a short delay we were off again.

Kevmac came on at the other end and picked up a wicket with an almost identical lbw to the Jewellers one earlier.  Again the umpire took an age but had to give it, though bizarrely, he turned away and gave him out whilst looking at cow corner.  Very strange.  This dismissal brought in a big tall bugger and so the game changed.  Bang 6, Bang 4, Bang 4, oh dear.  It wasn’t just clearing the boundary, it was going miles.  Kevmac and Geoff tried manfully to stem the haemorrhaging of runs but it wasn’t going very well and the run rate increased.  Comedy fielding was beginning to creep in with Mackem Rob pulling off a sliding stop, immaculate in every way other than in the fact that he wasn’t close enough to the ball when he tried it and just ended up in a heap on the floor while someone else did the fielding.

The Hoob was to see some bowling action and his first ball disappeared over the road as carnage took hold.  The rest of the over went for 10 more and so desperate bowler juggling was the order of the day.  Even JJ Gimp got a bowl and his first ball also disappeared though to be fair, Dayer could have caught this one if he’d fielded where the Skip told him, which was half way up a tree.

Slimline Geoff picked up a wicket when he was given the charge and the Skip completed the stumping but unfortunately, it wasn’t the big bugger who was out oh no... he was still smashing it all over the place as he passed 50 with a big carver for 4 which JJ Gimp would have stopped if he wasn’t chatting to his mates on the boundary.  Fully justified abuse followed.  Mackem Rob took the last over and was smashed for 6 with the ball thumping down on the roof of a van.  Carnage and Kerala had gone from 38-1 after 7 overs to 161-3 off 16.

Kerala were chuffed as nuts with their effort but the Village would surely not give up their unbeaten record without a fight.  Dayer and Guru, being the only two batsmen, got he Village off to a decent start with Dayer in particular looking like he needed to get home early.  Having been dropped once, he hit a couple of nice 4s before skying one and getting caught.

The comedy batting order meant that JJ Gimp was in next and he smashed a nice boundary before playing fish and miss for a bit and departing bowled soon after.  Still the Guru was defiant at one end, playing like a man who one upon a time knew how to play and he hadn’t yet forgotten all of it.  In compelte contrast to the technically correct Guru, the Skip flailed away like a man with an inner ear infection, though he did smash his first ball, a head high full toss for 4.  There was an interruption at this point when the Umpiring Mackem Rob had the opportunity to 'move' a couple of interloping student vagrant types from the outfield.  Not sure but there may have been a 'fuck' and an 'off' in his fatherly advice.  A couple of streaky Skip legside boundaries followed before he too was back in the hutch having comprehensive been bowled trying to smash one off the back foot that kept low.

Out came Lookie, looking to give it some biff and to give a shoulder charge to anyone who thought they were hard enough.  He and the Guru stopped the rot and too the Village into the latter overs but unfortunately the run rate required had gone through the roof and there was no one to hit the ball in the road like the big bugger did.  The Guru eventually departed with 3 overs to go for 38 to bring in the Jeweller for his first bat of the season and the Village’s 100% record finally went off the last ball when Lookie failed to hit 44 off of it.

The Village got a bit of a pasting today and though they can point to their absentees, to be honest, it wouldn’t have mattered who had played.  Big guy was going to smash everything and having a couple of extra batsmen wouldn’t have changed that.  It was a short boundary at both ends and he hit very straight and hard.  Fair play.  Bastard.

The Village have a week to pick themselves up and get the temporarily parked juggernaut back on the road when they play Carnival and their nice kit at this same venue… the same Carnival who beat Kerala last week.  Will the Village strike back or will they curl up and die again….

Billy Shite

Daily Sporting Arse

Hoglands Park

Seasick Steve Cancels Gig Shocker

Seasick Steve Warms Up

Kerala at The Parks and a busy week for the West End Saints selection committee who selected players on merit and only came up with 8, one of whom was surprisingly Jonjo despite his ‘sprinkler dance’ bowling from last week.  In truth, the was a statement made that we had too many players and then everyone decided to test that statement by dropping out.  Spaul’s injured knee had blown up to monster proportions,  Luke had done his back in, Tom was at the Isle of Wight festival and  Mick the Head was unavailable for reasons unknown. 

In their stead we eventually got Geoff who has defied the rash (which may or may not involve genitalia) he brought back from Turkey on his Club 18-60 holiday, Rob Saunders who has returned from drinking,  Luke who is playing as a big hitting pinch hitting batsman only and Seasick Steve who has kindly postponed a gig at a festival to play.  There is a rumour doing the rounds that the legendary Mike Edwards may be making an appearance but this will be kept quiet until the last moment for fear or a run on tickets and a stampede of nubile young women like Pippa Middleton ... or more likely, Thora Hird or that old bag who plays Dot Cotton on the telly.

Team is:

1 Dayer

2 Guru Sean Tongs

3 Luke Pinch Hitter Blackwell

4 Glen Billy de la Cour

5 Jonjo Sprinkler Stovell

6 Phil the Jeweller

7 Nigel Hoobard

8 Mackem Rob Saunders

9 Geoff The Rash Edwards

10 Super Kev McCarthy

11 Seasick Steve

COME ON THE VILLAGE!!!!

Proper Village Triumphant in Battle of the Villages

Tom Gets Run Out by Spaul

Billy Shite of the Daily Sporting Arse, here at the Centro Dello Sport for as close to a derby game as you can possibly get in a league that only encompasses one city.  Knowle Village are in town to take on the Mighty Village who are bringing with them one of two 100% records across the five divisions.

The oft shouted ‘Come on the Village’ was first shouted in 2001 by the legendary Mick the Teeth who was fielding on the boundary when he ran to his left, then realized he was going the wrong direction and changing direction and running to the right and overdoing it, necessitating a big dive back to the left as the ball rolled under him for 4.  I mention this story today as the legend was available today but then dropped out through repetitive strain injury which he picked up when beating his meat over a Richard Marx concert.

Consequently, WES were unchanged and with the Skip again delayed – this time by a combination of a late train, road works and leaving his keys at work – Spaul lost the toss and he Mighty Village found themselves inserted.  Chancing his arm with decision making, Spaul decided to send in Dayer instead of himself to open the batting with Tommy Drop which is a decision that the watching crowd of 3 would have been delighted with.

Having decided to bowl, one would normally expect the first bowler to be quite useful but 15 wides in the first over would suggest that he wasn’t.  Quite ridiculous in an unbelievable kind of way and he was unsurprisingly banished to the outfield forthwith.  One positive was that the Skip turned up 20 minutes late and only missed one over.

Over the next 10 overs or so, Knowle Village rotated their bowlers in an effort to find one that could pitch it up and bowl in a straight line but all bowled varying interpretations of the rank long hop which Dayer and Tommy Drop crashed to the boundary at regular intervals.  Tom was working out that Dayer only deals in 1,4 and 6 and his attempt to run a 2 was met with a cold stare and lungs bursting out of his chest.  Spaul’s decision to open with Dayer was being vindicated more and more with each passing flash of the blade as he raced to 50.   Tommy Drop wasn’t keeping up but was timing the ball well and two 6’s in 3 balls over the bowlers head were a delight to see.  

Fed up with all this time consuming running between the wickets, Dayer really started throwing the willow and moved to 72 with a 6,4,6,4 before missing a heave at the sixth bowler that Knowle Village had tried and getting stumped.  Dater throught he was in as his arse was casting a shadow behind the line but he had to go and so in came Spaul to decimate the run rate by blocking out the remainder of the over.

Spaul’s next contribution was to do nothing as Tommy Drop called for a run, leaving the youngster stranded and getting run out.  Still, he accepted it with good grace and I’m sure he didn’t mean it when he asked ‘why didn’t that **** run’.  Guru and Spaul saw it out to the end and despite a farcical near run out off the last ball of the innings, the proper Village had posted an imposing looking 158-2.

In an object lesson to youngsters everywhere about how to bowl in the Evening League, the Jeweller fired in a straight pitched up one and clean bowled an opener who didn’t get near it, bringing a bloke who was about 8 foot tall who immediately turned an attempted short-of-a-length ball into a half volley and smashed it through the covers for 4.    Superkev found his lines pretty quickly but both batsmen looked competent and the Village bowling machine had what amounted to their first challenge of the season.  Both bowlers were repelled for an over each before Superkev got one past the forward lunge of the 8 foot bloke and bowled him.  The Jeweller meanwhile was mixing up over-pitched stuff with wicket taking deliveries and cleaned up another in between getting smashed for a couple of boundaries.

Do you remember one of those dreadful Britain’s Got Talent X Factor type shit shows when there was that Chico twat on there singing ‘It’s Chico Time’…. No ?  Well, it was Jonjo time.  In he steamed off a three yard run up and fired in a big legside wide.  Another three yard run up and a long hop on leg stump, six, over the trees, lost ball.  So, you’ve bowled two shocking deliveries so naturally, the answer is to lengthen your run up to about 15 yards.  It was looking like a repeat of the first over of the match, the over that never ends and memories of his hat-trick at the Parks three weeks ago are a distant memory.  A hat-trick today would be getting 3 balls to pitch on the cut bit.

Mercifully, Lookie was tight at the other end with out getting any luck and looked to the heavens as with the last ball of his second over of shite (the 19^th that he’d bowled), JJ got the wicket he didn’t deserve as Lookie himself held the towering chance which everyone else was glad didn’t come down on them.  The Hoob is improving each week but did seem to suffer from first ball yip as he greeted each over with a first ball wide.  He was this weeks recipient of the Guru fielding masterclass though the Village should have had a wicket when the Knowle best batsman was run out by the usual lethal combination of Tommy Drop and the Skip but not given.

The Mighty Village needed one more wicket to make 100% sure so you bring back Superkev to wobble down another over and clean up the remaining opener who’d batted well for his 48.  Once he was out, the match died a slow painful death as Lookie and the Hoob finished off the bowling and a new batsman came in and played French cricket shots.  There was also some quality bear throwing from the Skip behind the stumps as his fielders enagaged in their favourite pastime of throwing it on the bounce at the feet of the 6 foot 1 wicket keeper who has a dodgy back.

5 out of 5,and winning the Village Derby.  Next up is Kerala who are shaping up to be the only team to have a chance of stopping the Mighty Village juggernaut as it speeds towards the finish line.  Having said that, Knowle Village were by far the best batting side that have crossed swords with the Jeweller, Superkev and the rest of the WES bowling machine and Jonjo.

Billy Shite

Daily Sporting Arse

Centro Dello Sport