Billy Shite of the Daily Sporting Arse here and welcome to the Theatre of Trees that is the Southampton Sports Centre for the first instalment of West End Saints 2011: The Return of the Village. The line-up had an unfamiliar look about it with several players having defected (Worty), disappeared (Hammy, Dougie, The Great Raymondo, Dave Boy Green, Shagger) or retired (The Master) since the last time West End Saints were in Evening League action. Fear not, Dorian Faulkner, Mick the Teeth and Mick the Head are still around but just not playing today.
The Skip had had the usual serious issues getting a team together, starting the day with 11, then 10, then 11 again, then the replacement didn’t fancy it after all and finally... 11 due to the miracle of unlimited texts. Division 5 beckoned for the reconstituted Village and the men to take on Kerala were:
Dayer, Ying Tongs, Spaul, Old Mother Hubbard, JJ and his Headband, Skip, Phil the Attack Leader, Geoffrey, Luke, Mackem Rob, Kev Mc
The Skip lost the toss and Kerala opted to bat in the dark that would be arriving at about 8pm – maybe they thought the floodlights from the houses two miles away would light up the square.
Out went Dayer and the Ying to bat on a typical undulating minefield no-rain-for-a-month wicket and for the first over they looked like two men trying to play cricket with their eyes shut. As we all know, form is temporary and class is something no one in Division 5 has but Dayer moved through the gears from reverse to first and played some proper cricket shots which the rest of the Village didn’t recognize. The Ying was finding it harder going but had to step up when Dayer holed out on 40, to the one Kerala player who looked like he could catch.
The Ying was joined by Spaul and between them they worked out that the quickest way to score runs was to leave it and let the keeper miss it before running a couple of byes. Spaul put together a series of aggressive singles and the Ying began to connect with some of the more filthy bowling coming his way, obviously inspired by the batting advice he was getting from Mackem Rob who was getting bored with umpiring. In the last over the Ying was surprised with a straight one and departed lbw for 44 to bring in the Hubbard who with a swish, swish, miss, departed off the last ball of the innings for a duck. Spaul was undefeated on 20 and the Village had made 118-3 off of their 16 overs.
Phil the Attack leader steamed in off his long run up of two feet to deliver a barrage of dot balls to put Kerala on the back foot straight away. Pressure was relieved though by Mackem Rob who overpitched his first two balls before seeing them disappear to the fence or rather through the hole in the fence and down a hill. Once he sorted out the length to bowl at he became fairly unplayable and being the quickest Village bowler, the Skip decided to get his overs out of the way quickly as possible as it was already getting a bit dark. On came Luke for a bowl and on came the first wicket as up it went and JJ, resplendent in his black headband and red hair took the catch without at any point, looking like he was going to. Kerala were two down two balls later as up it went again, this time to Old Mother Hubbard who like JJ before him, wore the face of a man who was very very worried but he caught it all the same.
The Skip threw the ball to Geoffrey who informed him that offspin was the order of the day, completing the decline from the pace bowler that he assures us he was in the 70s. Geoffrey was tighter than a Gnat’s tight bits and should have had a wicket when he and the Skip both called ‘yours’ as one came down in the middle of the pitch. On came Kev Mc to tie up the other end and chip in with a couple more wickets as one Keralian was bowled and another one got distracted by flies before giving Kev the charge and getting stumped by the Skip who decided against the shed approach and just knocked off one bail. Phil returned to finish off but in one game he’d come right down to Village level (pretty bad) and so Geoffrey was given the final over - an award which made him put his toys back in the pram after being given the hook an over earlier. There was one more wicket to fall as JJ and his headband was smashed miles up in the air and Mackem Rob nearly wore it in his face before seeing the ball when it was about three feet from him and catching it. Kerala eventually finished on 104-5 and the bowling and batting analysis on the scorecard added up to 90.... hmmm!
The biggest crime of the day however, was that only 4 team members were available for post match interviews in the pub and the excuses ranged from “bed time” (Teenagers Luke and JJ) to “on a promise” (the Hubbard). The Skip was there, despite not yet having cast his no vote against the Alternative Vote. If AV had been in place here then Kerala may have come second and yet still somehow won the match.
The Village care not though after one game and one win. Next week the action moves to Hoglands Park for a game against Carnival, freshly relegated from Division 4. A big crowd of 3 piss-heads is expected so get there early to guarantee your place.
Billy Shite
Daily Sporting Arse
Theatre of Trees
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