Jonjo's Fighting Spirit Shows the Way for The Village

Jonjo Gets Mad

Billy Shite of the Daily Sporting Arse, here at Hoglands Park for the fourth game of the Village Odyssey in Evening League Division 5.  It is threatening to be a case of Juggernaut v Hedgehog as both teams went into the match with a 100% record – the Mighty Village having won all their matches, Blake Lapthorn having not.  In true ‘what the fuck’ evening cricket style, there was a massive barbeque going on behind the bowlers arm on one pitch but luckily, the Village were on the other one – the outfield populated merely by vagrants and students.  Seasick Steve was present in the crowd and all was well with the world.

Having won the toss, expertly carried out using their own coin at their captains insistence (I shit ye not!), Blake Lapthorn decided to bat and out strode a very confident looking chap who sent Spaul into a panic and the words ‘he used to play in the Gold League’ came floating from the mouth of the nasally challenged one.  The Jewellers second ball was despatched to the boundary in classic fashion by the Golden Boy to where JJ went to retrieve it from a spectator who decided to be a twat and throw it the wrong way.  A quick 4 lettered verbal retort from JJ was followed by ‘wanna make something of it ?’ to which JJ ran off to get the ball, giving the Internationally recognized sign for masturbator as he went.  Eventually the ball ended back with the Jeweller whose next ball was sliced by Golden Boy, straight to the Guru at square leg – bye!!!.

All-the-Gear-and-No-Idea was next in and he survived one ball before losing his middle stump and so the Jeweller had made a mockery of the decision to bat first on what was obviously a poor wicket which would flatten out later on like all these immaculately prepared tracks.  Six balls later after the first Kevmac over and it was 7 for 4 as he bowled one bloke who I think must have had rickets and induced another to scoop up in the air for the Jeweller to pouch one of those running catches which can make you look silly if you put your foot in a hole – unlike when you’re sprinting across a beautifully manicured outfield like this one.    At the end of the over, JJ sprinted in to ask if he could be moved as the bloke he had the confrontation with was still out there.  The stump mic picked up The Skip saying “No” followed by “fuck off back over there”.

The Jeweller had one over to take the remaining 6 wickets and he failed to do so, just getting the one wicket as Tommy Drop took a straightforward chance in the covers, as straightforward as the one off a hat-trick ball which he made a total bollocks of a couple of weeks ago.  Kevmac’s second over passed in wicketless fashion and disgusted, the Skip banished his two strike bowlers to the outfield to be replaced by Lookie and the Hoobard.  The Hoob, fired up against his former employers, kept it tight aside from one ball which was a Dawn French ball - short, wide and ugly.  Lookie was bowling in his usual way, with no stock ball and no stock run up which kept everyone guessing including the Guru in the outfield who was doing a decent impression of a tunnel as ball after ball went straight through him.

The score was creeping up towards some sort of respectability as Blake Lapthorn had cunningly hidden someone who could hold a bat, down the order and  I think Nigel used to be his bee-atch when he worked there.  He was at fault however when he took a run to Tommy Drop who combined with the Skip to complete the run out of his partner for yet another duck.  Taking a quick run to one of the young lads is pretty stupid – if he’d taken one to one of the crumbly/fat/both old buggers or to Mikey Sperm Sprayer and his power arm, then fair enough.

Despite no further confrontation on the boundary, big bad JJ was brought into the attack and pinned back the incoming captain with some chin music.  ‘Helmet’ was the call from the middle and JJ thought someone was insulting him again.  The parents in the Village team all nodded knowingly as they were reminded of when their kids were 5 and learning how to dress themselves  as the captain put his helmet on, took it off, took his gloves off, put them back on and then put his helmet back on.  Civilisations have risen and fallen in less time than that.  JJ fired in a yorker which skidded along the ground and the Skip decided that big gloves and pads were not the way to go and that his ankle was the thing to use to stop it.

A partnership breaker was needed and so back came Kevmac to pull off a remarkably casual caught and bowled by standing there with one hand in his pocket and using the other to pluck the ball out of the sky.  In next was that curiosity of evening cricket – the girl.  There are two schools of thought here – you can either say ‘she’s playing in a mans game and therefore no mercy’ or you can take the possibly slightly patronising approach and say ‘slow down a bit boys’.  Alternatively, you can say what JJ says which is not printable, even on the internet.  What shouldn’t happen however is what happened next.  Kevmac couldn’t reduce his pace without throwing it backwards so that wasn’t the issue here.  The lightning quick stumping by the Skip wasn’t the issue here.  The fact that she was a mile out of her ground wasn’t the issue here.  The ‘not out’ decision ‘because she’s a girl’ is the issue here.  This direct quote from the umpire was in response to an angry question posed by the Sperm Sprayer who almost always reaches eruption point with a girl in proximity.

It was funny however when she spanked the Jeweller to the fence after he’d steamed in from his long run with fire coming out of his nostrils.  She was left high and dry a couple of overs later as Nigel’s former beaster was cleaned up by the returning Lookie and JJ finished the job, pinning the last man lbw who looked at the umpire forlornly from his position of two inches in front of his stumps.  She was also let down by the fact they only had 10 players and the request for someone to go back in was politely refused by Spaul who has manners and it’s a good job they didn’t ask anyone else.  Blake Lapthorn finished on 71 all out, about 40 more than they would have got if the Belevolent Village had kept the foot on the throat.

Having paced their run chase to perfection to reach 40 last week, the Village were confident of making the 72 required to preserve their 100% record.  Golden Boy came steaming in, intent to wreaking maximum damage and Dayer treated him with contempt, swatting him to the fence.  The Guru, intent on making more runs than he let through his legs in the field, played the role of junior partner as Dayer, emboldened by The Skip’s request to ‘win it before it pisses down’ got on with it.  Golden Boy fizzled out, Helmet boy bowled pies, Nigel’s fag bowled ok and All-the-Gear-and-no-Idea steamed in from the boundary and then bowled massive long hops which were flayed to all parts.  Highlight of the batting effort was the Guru hitting a classic cover drive for four to where The Skip was standing behind the boundary, until he fell backwards in slow motion over a bag in true Charlie Chaplin fashion.   Derision was also heaped on a fielder who walked over the boundary before throwing the ball back and didn’t signal that it was a 4.  Totally coincidentally, he was the umpire in the ‘girl’ incident.

The Village cantered to 72 for 0 off 10 overs to win by 10 wickets.   There are 5 other teams in this division aside from the Mighty Village and 4 of them have now been dispatched.  The next in line are Knowle Village so we have a bit of a Village battle on the cards.  Sadly, Jonjo’s opponent was not waiting behind the changing rooms at the end but JJ knows he’s up in front of the Village disciplinary committee (Mackem Rob) in a few weeks.  Can you imagine…”How do you plead you Guilty Ginger Bastard?”…

Onwards and upwards and Come on the Village and the final words go to the Hoobard who when asked if he’d exorcised some demons out there, just replied…. “Bastards”.

Billy Shite
Daily Sporting Arse
Hoglands Refuge for the Lost and Bewildered.