Seasick Steve in Thrilling Run Chase Drama

Yo, I'll Play..

Billy Shite for the Daily Sporting Arse, here are the Sports Centre for the clash between the undefeated Village and HCE which probably stands for something but I don’t know what it is.  The Village made 3 changes with Dayer playing in a Over-50s match (as opposed to a 50 overs match), Geoffrey going on an Club 18-30 holiday and Lookie getting some brownie points by going to pick him missus up from somewhere.  Their replacements were the returning Mackem Rob and the Jeweller and it would have meant a first appearance of the season for TIM (The Invisible Man) but luckily, Seasick Steve had turned up to watch so he was roped in for his debut, wearing his traditional denim boiler suit.

Following a heated text debate with the Skip who was stuck in traffic, Spaul won the toss and decided to field first.  The Skip arrived in time, panting and wheezing as he got changed, instructing The Guru to take residence behind the stumps.  Spaul took over teamtalk duties with the Jeweller being left close to tears by Spaul’s fiery assertion that he should bowl better.

The first use of the Sports Centre track is always interesting as you have the element of surprise and what a surprise it was when the Jeweller pitch one on a length which spat up and hit the batsman on the shoulder.  Obviously disconcerted with the steepling bounce gained by the Jeweller, he airily wafted at the next ball and was comprehensively cleaned up off the last ball of the over.

Mackem Rob fired in an over to make batsmen fear for their safety before the Jeweller returned to hit the stumps again which meant that for the second time in two weeks, the mighty Village had a bowler on a hat-trick.  The field was set and the ball was bowled and prodded up into the air towards Richards in the covers.  “CAAATCH IIIIIIIT..... WANKER!!!” as young Tom jumped, then landed, then the ball arrived, in, out, down.  Mild mannered Jeweller went green and burst out of his shirt whilst young Tom was consoled with laughter and name calling from his team mates.   The bowler was still green when he cleaned up another bowler at the end of the over so after 3 overs, HCE were 20-3.

Tom was made to feel slightly better with the first ball of Mackem Rob’s next over as he gave up just holding up one end and decided to come to the party when he flattened the stumps of the previously reprieved batsman and the Village were sensing the kill as just one run was added for the further loss of another wicket when the Guru snapped up a straight forward chance behind the stumps to leave HCE reeling at 21-5.

Seeing as HCE were completely in the sht, it was a surpise to hear sledging in the field.  This could mean only one thing, that Jonjo and his headband was about to bowl.  Having mercilessly talked up his hat-trick last week to Mackem Rob, he was on a hiding to nothing  as he sent down a 9 ball over of assorted rubbish with every passing wide accompanied with a ‘Gimp’, a ‘twat’ or a ‘bell end’. By comparison, Kevmac was economy personified at the other end but must have wondered what was going to happened when a false shot flew towards Tom in the position where the Skip had hidden him – there were scenes of great joy when he caught it.

There was some magnificent fielding going on at this stage with at one point, a five throw relay of the ball back to the bowler with no one dropping it.  Seasick Steve was flying round the field like madman, turning ones into twos but basically plugging a gap in a much better way than TIM would have been able to.

Shaun Pollock came into bat but mercifully, the comparison was in looks only as he couldn’t tell one end of a bat from the other and he was quickly removed by Kevmac, striking timber in his next over.  Ginger battle had been averted and JJ finally managed a straight ball in his 3^rd over to bring in the No10, who was the last man and was female.  Charging in like a rutting stag, fluttering his eyelashes, JJ totally failed to get her out as did the Hubbard with an over of right arm penetration.  They left it for Kevmac to claim the final wicket when a simple catch as held by a player I didn’t see as I was off latching at the passing joggers at the time.  HCE finished on 40 all out, the target was set, now for the run chase.

A somewhat arbitrary batting order was selected for the run chase with the theory that a small total should be attacked in order to get to the pub in the shortest time possible.  In went the Skip with Tom to put plan A into effect.  With the score at 1 and in the second over , the Skip – playing his first game on grass for 5 years,  played the line but unfortunately, the delivery rolled along the ground, took a bottom edge and crashed into the stumps.  Two weeks in a row where an opener has got less than 1.

In came Mike the Sperm Sprayer and Mackem Rob invited controversy from his umpiring brief when an HCE fielder stopped a cut shot by Tom by the boundary before sliding into the boundary fence, through it and down the bank whilst still holding the ball.  He didn’t signal a four and so one wasn’t given.  With the Sprayer struggling to hit the ball using his unusual technique, Tom tried to move things along and played all over another one which kept slightly low to depart for 11.

11-2 and cometh the hour, cometh the Spaul, to join the Sprayer for one of the most unexciting passages of cricket that I have ever witnessed in all my days.  Even the birds had given up and fucked off as the half way point of the reply was reached with the Village on 18-2, meaning they had actually managed to get behind a run rate which at the start of the innings was a massive 2.5 per over.  The Sprayer was trying his best, trying to larrup every ball and failing, whilst Spaul was trying to run him out.  Short form cricket makes players very inventive but I wonder if the Sprayer tactic of backing away from the slow bowler and then missing it will catch on in the higher echelons of the game.

Sperm Sprayer eventually sprayed one back to the bowler and was out for 11 to bring in The Guru of Hythe, at which point, Spaul finished the job with only the second boundary of the innings for the Village to win by 7 wickets with 9 balls to spare, thus increasing their winning run to 3 games with Spaul not out 19 and The Guru not out 1.

Out of all the run chases I have covered in my journalistic career – this was definitely one of them but a combination of Speed, Red Bull and Prozac kept me awake long enough to see it through.  A successful run chase is a successful run chase, whether you are chasing 400 or 40.  Granted, one may be a bit more exciting than the other but if you reach the target then the end result is the same.  Today’s effort would have sent the spectators running for the hills or for the Doctor but the Village are not about entertainment, they are like Charlie Sheen and are about winning.  The Hubbard has informed me that next week is definitely about winning as the Village are up against Blake Lapthorne who he used to work for.  So, come along to the Parks are brave Skateboarders, drunks, pimps and Mikey Sperm Sprayers College Girls and watch the mighty West End Saints attempt to get to 4 out of 4.

COTV!!!

Billy Shite
Daily Sporting Arse
Theatre of Trees

Footnote:  Suggestions that I put up a Gary Glitter picture were vetoed by the editor and besides, no one wanted it on their Google profile that they'd looked him up!!!