Ginger Magician Stars in Village Romp

Hat-trick for JJ and his Headband

Billy Shite here for the Daily Sporting Arse at Hoglands Park where the Mighty West End Saints take on Carnival in the second game of their quest to bring glory back to the Village.  Carnival, resplendent in their matching kits, obviously all paid for out of a Corporate budget, looked a good team before a ball was bowled but would smart flannels translate into a good performance where it mattered, on the field of battle.

The Village line up saw the return of Mike Head so expect there to be a spike in the amount of girls who got pregnant just by walking through the park that day.  Also making his debut was Tom Richards, bringing the quota of overseas players from Hythe, up to five.  The Skip was in traffic and so coin duties passed to Spaul who proved himself the king of the tossers by winning and deciding that The Village would bat.

Fresh from his sparkling 40 last week, Dayer expertly left the first ball, being as it was, 8 feet wide of off stump.  Umpire Kevmac generously decided to let the bowler have that one so he adjusted his line and bowled the next one a mere 6 feet wide of off stump.  Feeling that he could reach this one if he tried really hard, Dayer stuck out the mighty willow and guided it straight to a fielder.  A great start – 0.2 overs, 0 runs, 1 wicket down.  In came Spaul with a rescue mission in mind and he immediately showed more aggression than usual by getting a 2.  Richards at the other end was not getting much of the strike and was struggling to hit it off the square when he did but he can be excused as in Mark Nicholas’ pre-match inspection, he described the track as ‘complete shit’.

The increasing pressure was released by some interesting Carnival fielding when with WES having completed a run and just standing there, a fielder about 3 yards away would throw at the stumps, miss and give a couple of overthrows away.  Carnival didn’t learn from the mistake and repeated this two or three times.  Spaul was dashing and daring and Richards was watchful and the score was trundling along before a sudden change and the batsmen swapped as Richards started timing the ball all over the park and Spaul batted like Stevie Wonder in the dark.  Overthrows, wides and no balls were coming at a frightening rate and the Carnival players, through dressed nicely, didn’t seem to understand that just because you actually pitch one that is near enough for the batsman to reach it, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s lbw if he misses it.  Tantrums and bear throwing and more wides later, Richards had progressed to be in sight of the first Village 50 of the season and got there with a straight six which is just showing off really isn’t it.  The watching newly pregnant women were delighted a minute or so later as Spaul’s forward defensive push span back behind him and hit the stumps so he departed for 32 to bring in the Guru of Hythe who had little time to show his subjects the art of batsmanship.  Richards ended on a very well made 59 not out and the Guru was 3 not out.  The Village ended on 128-2.

Carnival began their reply and The Skip sprung a surprise (which often happens as he doesn’t know what he’s doing) and opened with the gentle wobblers of Kevmac who was impeded by the blinding low sun which was directly in his face.  Kev’s combination of flight, guile and having his eyes shut was too much for the opener who, with an inside edge on his stumps, departed for 2.  JJ charged in like a madman from the other end and was quickly edged for two fours to the short boundary where the Skip should have had two fielders instead of just Dayer who was still sulking after his marathon innings.  His second over saw one of the worst umpiring decisions I have ever seen in 20 years of covering cricket for the Daily Sporting Arse when a JJ full bunger was hit skywards and caught by Lookie, only to be given as a no ball on height when it was about a foot off the ground.  Fear not though because Supermac returned to tempt the reprieved man into holing out to Spaul on the mid wicket boundary who didn’t see it quickly enough to get out of the way.  The reason for the strange umpiring decision to reprieve the opener became apparent at this point as Carnival had no one else who could bat.  Lookie took centre stage at this point, firstly taking a good low catch to reward Geoffrey for bowling a complete pie and then clean bowling two batsmen who didn’t realise where off stump was.  Dayer was given an over out of sympathy and despite joining Geoffrey in bowling pies, clean bowled another very smartly dressed Carnival employee.

The return of the previously unlucky JJ was next and what an inspired decision by the Skip.  Firstly an LBW from a highish full bunger which would have been a no ball with the previous umpire.  The new batsman walked out looking very smart, faced one ball, got bowled, smartly turned around and walked off smartly.  JJ on a hat-trick and the field was up – two slips, a gully, gathering darkness, a bowler on fire – what could go wrong?  Clean bowled and the first Village hat-trick since Mike Head’s first visit to New York, New York.  It was nearly 4 in 4 as the next ball was edged just in front of the Skip behind the stumps but if it had carried, he would have missed it anyway as he was having that sort of game.  In response to his girlfriend watching, Hubbard (pronounced Hoo-bard) was given his first bowl for 5 years and responded with an over that nearly finished off both him and the game.  Back came JJ, fired up and trying to bowl too fast and the tenth wicket fell off the last ball with a yes, no and a smartly dressed man falling over half way down the track.

Two out of two for the mighty Village and though I’m sure there will be sterner tests tests ahead – there won’t be any that are as smartly dressed.  More team changes next week as Dayer, Kevmac and Geoffrey are unavailable so we’ll see who turns up for this rag tag bunch of Villagers next week.

Billy Shite, Hoglands Park