Rob cunningly adapts Guru's bat cone to be a pile cream applicator
Billy Shite at Oglands Park, reporting for the Southern Daily Sporting Arse on the big Cup Quarter Final between The Village and The Shire. It was nice that the Great British Summer had deigned to not rain on us for once and it was nice to be back at The Parks and for there not be chavs all over the outfield. As we waited to start there was a screaming row between some lowlifes by the changing room which wouldn’t have looked out of place on the Jeremy Kyle show.
The Village had two debutants today with Matt Young coming into the batting line up instead of The Guru who was absent polishing his bells. The Village copied England and rested a bowler for fear of burn out as there was no way that Geoff could play two games in a month and they replaced him with our youngest ever player in Nic Feest (or Neil as Spaul called him continually even though he was corrected every time). At the other end of the scale was Seasick Harold Shipman (aka Barry the Legend) who came in for Nigel the Worlds Nicest Lawyer so we had a spread of approximately 50 years between our youngest and oldest player.
With it being Oglands, there had to be some controversy but luckily it didn’t involve the Village with the other pitch not actually having a strip cut to play on, meaning that Hedge End Hawks had to quickly head up to the Sports Centre where their game had been moved to, without them being told about it.
The Big Dog and New Boy Matt opened the batting and immediately discovered that the pace on any delivery had approximately halved by the time it bounced off the pitch, making scoring runs very difficult. Matt played one glorious straight drive over the bowler and stood admiring it before realising that he was going to have to run to get anything at all for it as it plopped to the ground and plugged in the turf. The Big Dog was waiting for any bad ball and treating every other ball in the same way by trying to smash it, missing and deflecting it somewhere with his pad.
The Shire were obsessed with getting the Big Dog out and so were delighted when he was put down in the covers. Not put down however was New Boy Matt who mistimed a straight drive and got caught at mid on-ish for 6. The Big Dog was now joined at the crease by his fellow scourge of The Shire, Tommy 49 and both scored well, plundering the change bowlers who had come on. Shire skipper Worty nearly made the breakthrough when the Big Dog went aerial again but the fielder on the boundary either didn’t see it or didn’t fancy it and so another chance went begging as Worty ripped out the remaining hair on his head.
One thing that was noticeable was (dropped catches aside) how well The Shire were fielding as the batsman continued to pick them out with amazing accuracy. Tom got frustrated and eventually holed out for 14 to bring in the in-form Spaul who proceeded to bat like a man who knew the pitch was not up to his exacting standards before chipping a lame effort straight to a fielder to epart for more than 0, less than 2. The Big Dog remained until he too holed out for 41, going for another big one and so it was time for the tail and time for the long handle with the Skip joining Shagger Blackwell at the crease. The pair tried but no further boundaries were forthcoming and so the Mighty Village ended on 79-4 which 99% of the time, would be a losing score but much would depend on how The Shire adapted to batting on pile of stodge. The Skip and Spaul set their field in meticulous fashion as best they could and then discovered that Left Handed Larry was batting and they had to mess about with it all over again.
The Village opened as usual with the Jeweller and he soon struck, removing the right handed opener with a yorker which he ill-advisedly tried to smash to Bevois Valley. One down and a good start but the left hander remained which meant that Skip’s field placings would still be shite.
Next up was Corporal Mackem Pace Battery who had brought along a nurse to liberally apply another slap of pile cream in the break in play. Fired up by the occasion and the strange warm sensation from his ringpiece, he steamed in a clean bowled the new batsman to put The Village firmly in charge.
Application of another kind was needed from the Shire batsmen and Left hand Larry provided it along with the new batsman who was a young quick lad who had cut off about 20 runs on his own by displaying pace and enthusiasm on the boundary. Just you wait til you reach 40 mate, it all goes to shit then. The pair batted for the next 8 overs with not many chances aside from an edge which went through where the leaden footed Skip should have dived to. Spaul bowled two overs for nothing and it was time for the erratic boys. The Village were well placed at this point but a bad over from the Ginger Magician could see it all turn to shit very quickly.
There is a phenomenon in cricket where the most unlikely people are partnership breakers and unbelievably, in order to get a wicket, all the Village had to do was apply some Fox Piss. His constant variations could not be read by Left hand Larry and he blattered one up in the air and it came down on top of Spaul who couldn’t avoid it and with his tongue flapping, pouched the catch. With the batsman having crossed the phenomenon of “1 brings 2” also came to pass as Far Too Quick was bowled off his pads. The hat-trick ball was sheeeeee-ite and got smashed behind square for Harold Shipman to go and retrieve.
The two new batsmen were the guy who tried to break his thumb in the last game and Gigantor who both tucked into Jonjo’s last over. The Village were still in control at this point but they were soon up shit creek again as it only takes one bad over in a low scoring game to change things and Shagger Blackwell provided it, going for 12 which meant that The Shire only needed 12 off the last 2 overs.
Corporal Northern Pace Battery’s piles allowed him to bowl the 15th over and unbelievably, the umpires dropped a bollock in all the excitement and managed to let him get away with bowling a five baller. No one realised at the time but the end of the over was called and it was time to do or die.
It came to the Jeweller to bowl the last over with 5 runs required to win. Thumb Boy scampered a single to bring Gigantor onto strike with a big swish and miss before Jeweller produced a corridor of uncertainty ball which Gigantor chopped onto his stumps. 3 balls to go and 4 to win and the new batsman was the Minister of Agriculture. The next two balls went for singles leaving two required to win off the last ball with the Minister for Agriculture facing. Jonjo, realising that one of his misfields could mean us losing the match, peed himself as the Jeweller steamed in.... and bowled him to give the Village a win by 1 run. Players converged on the master bowler and the Skip jumped on top of the pile which forced all of the air to leave Jonjo’s body in one go. It was close but it was a win and in the Cup, the win is all that matters and the margin matters not.
The Village have set up a Cup semi-final against either Good Companions or Hedge End Hawks who are both from Division 1 but who would back against this plucky Division 3 side now. It’s the magic of the Cup after all. A word for the gallant losers from The Shire who improved dramatically on their 9 wicket demolition at the hands of the Village in the league match. The Shire should beware though that when the next league match comes round, Geoff will be fully rested. Will he regain his place from young Nic though as it was nice to have a fielder who can actually bend down and stop the ball and not do the Ali shuffle as the ball flies past on its way to the boundary.
The Village have to rest their weary bodies and get back to their best for a match against The Arrow on Thursday. Squad rotation will be the order of the day and The Skip will have to establish whether Harold Shipman can survive 2 games in 4 days.
Billy Shite for the Southern Daily Sporting Arse, Oglands
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