"Chuck it in the Ravine": Southamptonshire Preview

Riverside Park - Didn't get a Lottery Grant

It Southamptonshire at Riverside Park, it's Worty and that's all you need to know.  It's grudge match of gigantic proportions which will result in all out warfare.  Actually, it will end with both teams in the pub.

Representing The Village against The Shire will be:

1 Colin Day - the Big Dog has got two starts and not converted so far, a bit like Ian Bell.  Will tomorrow be conversion day.

2 Tom Richards - restored to opening the batting despite and impressive bowling performance on Monday

3 Spaul - man of the moment and if we had a Players Player of the Season vote now, he wouldn't win as no one likes him.

4 It's the Guru

5 Glen de la Cour - despite the team looking much better when he doesn't bat, he's promoted himself again

6 Clive Davison - recalled to add left handed awkwardness having just recovered from an operation on the palm of his wanking hand.

7 Phil Jewell - bowler of steely determination and attitude and he looks like Danny de Vito - I may have mentioned that before

8 Luke Blackwell - recalled after being dropped for late night misdemeanours

9 Nigel Hubbard - The world's nicest lawyer will be there but there is abotu 18 hours til the game so don't bet on it.

10 Geoff Edwards - the only thing more miserly than his bowling is his efforts at the bar.

11 Jonjo Stovell - Shouldering Arms twice in three balls = Number 11

The key to winning at Riverside Park is to get your bowlers to metronomically pitch the ball into the ravine that runs across the square.  Hit the downslope and it rolls along the ground, hot the upslope and it will be up round the batsmans ears.  I back the Jeweller, Spaul and Geoff to be accurate enouh to exploit the conditions.

Bring it .....

Vikings Raped and Pillaged by Big Dog and Spaul

Jonjo: This is a fucking bat

Billy Shite here to report on Cup Fever as it grips the cricketers of the Mighty Village as they arrive at the Centro Dello Sport to match up against a team from the league above, Vespasian Vikings.  With confidence high following their opening win of the season, the Village selection committee made minimal changes with Tom Huxley making his long awaited debut (long awaited that is, after Stumpgate) and the World’s Nicest Lawyer Nigel Hubbard, managing to not drop out of this game at the last minute.  Shagger Blackwell was missing in action we assume and Soldier Rob was off on target practice at cardboard cut outs of Syrians.

The Cup draw had opened up a possible path to a Rose Bowl Final (I will never call it the Ageas Fucking Bowl) but this path was there for the team that lost and got dumped into the Plate competition.  Odd that one should think of losing a match on purpose on the 10^th anniversary of Hansie Cronje’s flying lesson.  Cricket’s anti-corruption unit have reported some strange betting patterns.

The Skip was unprofessional and late thanks to Southern Railways and so Spaul won the toss and decided to bat.  The Big Dog and the Hux set off at a brisk pace and both peppered the boundary as the Vikings defied logic and kept the same bowlers on who were getting battered.  The Hux was entering into the Village way of things by moosing away before in true Village opener fashion, missing a straight one and being bowled for 16. 

At the NATS match after bowling 2 overs for 80, Jonjo the Fox had asserted that he was now a batsman.  What is the cup if not an opportunity to try things and so in came the Ginger Magician at number three.  A true magician could play cricket without a fucking bat and this is what Jonjo tried to do, shouldering arms to the first ball and getting rapped on the pads as he held his bat above his head.  No lbw decision was forthcoming because the ball wasn’t straight but in this reporter’s opinion, if you shoulder arms in a 16 over game, you should be given out anyway and than made to stand still whilst the rest of your team throw cricket balls at you… especially when you do it again two balls later and this time get given out.  Jonjo trudged off to be met by the rest of the Village pissing themselves laughing and just Barry giving his son the cold hard Shipman stare.

In came to Guru to steady the ship and allow the Big Dog to play a series of expansive drives which all ended with him studying the cloud formations.  Unfortunately, it was a fielder studying the clouds next as he waited for the ball to drop with snow on it and the Big Dog was gone to bring in the hero of last week, Spaul.  Fears of a collapse were averted as Spaul in particular was served up some serious pie to swat away to the boundary as he again showed the touch of a man in a rich vein of form.  The Vikings rotated their bowlers with an Edgar Davids look-a-like providing some searing pace from one end even though he did look like he was going to fall over after every ball.  It was chanceless and it was fearless and the Village made their way to 113-3 off their 16 overs which was not a bad effort.  Spaul finished on 32 not out and the Guru finished on 17 not out which was 10 more than Tommy 49 thought he had.

With no soldier to open the bowling, the Skip had to find another opening bowler to keep things tight up top so having banished Jonjo to the furthest boundary, decided to open with the Jeweller and the Spaul.  The Jeweller was predictably miserly and then Spaul continued his rich vein of form by deceiving a batsman who wasn’t expecting a 4^th arm ball in a row, with his ‘arm ball’ .  In came a bloke wearing blue shorts instead of whites and in a move that was very off-putting for the close fielders, appeared to have one leg of them tucked in his pants.  The opening four overs went for next to nothing and next came the Queen of Mean as Geoff continued the good work and clean bowled the other opener.

Tommy 49 came on for his first proper bowl for the Village and initially struggled to pitch the ball on the green flattish bit and the Viking pillaged a few runs but no real alarms as the run rate was going up and up.  It was time to introduce the 5^th bowler and this was due to be the World’s Nicest Lawyer but he didn’t fancy it and so with 10 fielders screaming 'Noooooo', Jonjo was recalled from boundary patrol to wing in some pace.  His first ball actually wasn’t bad but it got crunched for four and the rest were straight enough aside from one horrible leg side wide which had the Skip sprawling on the floor.  With the crater having been repaired, Geoff finished his spell and Jonjo started to make things happen with two run outs, one of which was a very smart Hux to Fox Piss effort.

Boy in shorts had batted well to reach 34 but Tommy 49 had switched ends to where he was deadly.  Maybe it was two yards longer bowling from this end but it pitched and turned and cleaned him up.  Off you go Shorts Boy.  Jonjo finally got the wicket that his bowling almost deserved with a flying edge going straight to the Jeweller who casually palmed it up in the air before taking the catch.  In came Edgar and out went Edgar as Tommy did for him and his wild swipe wasn't really the shot to play to a pitched up turning ball.  The World’s Nicest Lawyer was persuaded to bowl with 36 needed off the last over and apart from one horrible shitty wide, was tight enough and so the Mighty Village had defied the side from the League above them and defied Hansie Cronje and won by 30 runs.

The Shite Verdict:  An interesting game that the Village had designs on losing but either Vespasian Vikings wanted to lose more or the Village just can’t play at anything under 100%.  More will become clear later in the season but for now and next is a game against Southamptonshire and especially Worty at Riverside Park.  Hopefully the bloody great ravine that used to run right across the square is a thing of the past but somehow I doubt it.  Special mention today goes for Barry for some energetic fielding, being a legend and for not laughing at Jonjo’s shouldering arms trick.

Roll on Thursday.

Cup Fever Preview

Jonjo.... now a Batsman

The Mighty Village travel to the Sports Centre to play Vespasian Vikings on Monday.  Those charged with upholding the honour of the Mighty Village are as follows

1 Colin Day - The Big Dog will be eager to eat up some better quality opposition.
2 Tom Huxley - we had to promise him that there would be some stumps there today for him to make his debut
3 Jonjo Stovell - after his protestations that he was now a batsman... we will see
4 Sean Tongs - yes, it's the Guru
5 Steve Paul - batting legend, now working on his new 24 chapter opus 'My Three Sixes in one Innings'
6 Tom Richards - swapped with Jonjo as Jonjo is a batsman now you know
7 Phil Jewell - bringing film star qualities to the proceedings
8 Glen de la Cour - limping around like an old bastard
9 Nigel Hubbard - first appearance of the season for the nicest man in cricket
10 Geoff Edwards - Spin or Seam?  who knows, least of all him.
11 The Cult of Barry - offered to turn up as 12th man but we never have 12.

Rumour has it that it may be a decent idea to get into the Plate, rather than the proper Cup... Hmmm, we'll see how that one works out.

Spaul Carnage as Village Announce Div 3 Arrival

Fat Ugly Cow Stops Play

Billy Shite at the HCG for the match between the Mighty Village and NATS who haven’t played eachother for about 12 years which coincidentally is about the amount of years late NATS was in opening.  Upon arrival at the HCG, it was debateable whether any play would be possible which after ‘Stumpgate’ last week, wouldn’t have been too clever.  Due to the hot weather, the outfield was populated with hippies, drunks, students, dossers, tossers and a large groupd of big mean looking West Indian chaps.  The groundsman’s attitude to this was that they’d all disperse when the cricketers took the field.  We shall see.

The Village relied for this match, on the same squad as last year with all the Uni boys being present and Soldier Boy having a rest from hunting Germans to grace us with his presence.  Skip won the toss and with the outfield still full of dregs that needed to be moved, decided it wasn’t going to start on time and decided to bat.

The Big Dog started off like a man who was hungry and determined to show the watching Sarisbury representative why they should be showing him the love a bit more with some bludgeoning strokes as the Village raced away.  At the other end, Tommy 49 was batting like a man who had only been bowling this year and he was first to go at the end of the second over  to give him the new name of Tommy 49-44.  He was replaced by Spaul who was promoted above the Guru as he hadn’t batted this season as opposed to batting but not scoring any.  Spaul had to watch initially as the Big Dog carried on hitting out with four 4s in an over before missing a straight one to be out for 27.  In came the Guru as NATS brought on their best bowler who knocked his stumps over a few balls later to leave the Village on 51-3 after 5 overs.  Plenty of runs but a couple of wickets lost too many.

In came the Skip who managed to injure his already injured ankle whilst walking out into the middle.  He was followed into the middle by a blonde fat ugly pig in leggings with her small child.  It’s remarkable that the groundsman was right… most people vacate the pitch if there’s a game starting, blokes especially cos they understand.  It’s the women who are the worst.  So the game was halted as the cute little kid was followed by this fucking walrus who on her own would not have caused the game to be stopped.  This is the trouble with the hot weather – for every nice looking girl in a short skirt it brings out a fucking wartpigdinosaurus.  Having wandered right across the pitch and enabling a couple more deliveries, she waddled back over causing another break in play.

Unperturbed, Spaul batted like madman, taking heavy toll of anything off line whilst the Skip played and missed a lot but did at least manage to give the strike to his partner who was at least, hitting the ball occasionally.  Having been stung by media criticism of his somewhat unadventurous batting style, Spaul was determined to wreak revenge and clubbed three huge sixes which would have carried the rope, even on a proper ground.  It was marvellous stuff which made up for the Skip’s swish and miss approach at the other end.  Still, Skip’s speed between the wickets kept the board ticking over as he regularly turned twos into singles by running like Long John Silver.

Spaul raced to 50 but departed soon enough when he was caught in the deep having scored 54 and Skip soon followed when he missed one too many and was bowled for a painfully compiled 13.  The Jeweller and Shagger Blackwell clubbed a few welcome runs at the end before Shagger departed off the last ball and Jonjo made his way out to the middle before realising that everyone was walking off.  Plonker.  So, the Village ended on 122-5.

Skip decided that even with his injury, he was still more mobile than the Big Dog who took the gloves and kept wicket.  The Jewellers first over was uneventful and in came Mackem Rob to bowl his usual collection of short wide shit…. Only he didn’t.  Having played a year in the Evening League, he’s worked out that the best way is to bowl at the three sticks in the ground and this brought him a wicket off only his third ball as the opener played all around it and got cleaned up.  He repeated the trick in his next over as well, having inspired the Jeweller to do the same and so at the end of the 4^th over, NATS were 17-3 and up against it.

On came Geoff with his flight and guile and without his baselayer and the runs were still not flowing with Soldier Boy still looking decent from the other end.  Geoff managed to snare a wicket lbw but this good work was undone when the Skip made a decision which will go down in the annals of cricket as not being one of the best and threw the ball to Jonjo to bowl from the end where he got a hat-trick last year by bowling at the stumps. A reminder of this fact was forthcoming before the spell began and forgotten by the time the ginger magician had reached the wicket.  Ah yes, the ginger magician, he bowls and the ball disappears… all over the fucking place.  At the other end, Shagger sent down a decent first over but his second went all over the place and suddenly, NATS had a sniff and the lackadaisical field placings from the Skip were being tested to the limit by the fact that he couldn’t put any fielders up in the clouds.

The Skip turned to his most reliable bowler and the Jeweller delivered, strangling the run rate and then delivering the knockout blow by forcing the one batsman who’d looked decent to go airborne and luckily it fell into the bucket hands of Shagger Blackwell who magnificently pouched the effort and the match.  With 27 needed off the last over, Jonjo was not entrusted with it and Tommy 49-44 wheeled in to enduce and tremendous bit of work from the Big Dog, who finally completing the stumping at the second attempt, distracted though he was, by an ice cream van.  NATS finished on 103-6 and the Mighty Village had won by 19 runs.

So, The Village are off on their Division 3 odyssey with a decent win.  Next up in the league they are off the Riverside Park for the first time since the resurrection to play again Southamptonshire and our old friend, Worty.  Be afraid, be very afraid.  Before that though, a cup game against the catchily named Vespasian Vikings at the Sports Centre on Monday.  A disision seperates them but can the Village bridge that gap.  If I was a betting man, I’d say maybe.

Billy Shite, Hoglands Cricket Ground for the Southern Daily Sporting Arse.

First Match (again)

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng

So, first match (again) tonight and the weather is set fair and we’re at Hoglands Park against NATS who we last played in about 1998.  They played last week while we were pissing about  trying to find some fucking stumps so they won;t be as rusty as we will be.  How rusty will we be... rusty as fuck.  Our team is full of the regular suspects with all the kids having returned from University and Barry’s trial having finished early.  Talking of Barry, there is a question mark over his participation tonight as Tom Huxley has been rewarded for turning up to last weeks farce with a place tonight... if he actually confirms.  Assuming he doesn’t though, the Mighty Village will line up thus:

1 Colin Day – the Big Dog is even hungrier.  He’s not feeling the love from his Saturday team at the moment but we all love the Big Dog.

2 Tom Richards – Back from Uni where they play him as a bowler and a tail-end banger... not in this team.

3 Steve Paul – Just a legend, author of the best-selling ‘Great Forward Defensive Shots I have Played’

4 Sean Tongs - Stick Wielding, bells jingling, skipping, dancing, leg-glance ignoring Guru

5 Glen de la Cour - The heaviest wicket-keeper in the world, it’s the Skip

6 Phil Jewell – leader of the pace battery, whilst impersonating Danny de Vito

7 Luke Blackwell – Shagger, back from University

8 Jonjo Stovell – Shagless, back from University

9 Rob Saunders – Our overseas player from the Northern Republic of Wearside

10 Geoff Edwards – has postponed his inevitable retirement once again and is back.

11 The Cult of Barry

So, Hoglands Park for a 6.30 start.  Get there early to avoid the rush of spectators, tramps, addicts, alcoholics and worst of all, students.

Active F**king Nation

Barry.... livid

I bet you’re all wondering how the Mighty Village got on in their first match of the season that didn’t fall foul of the weather.  I’d like to fucking know as well.  The reason that I don’t know is that we didn’t play.  The weather was ok, the teams were present, we had a ball, scorebooks and all the gear that you need.  What we didn’t have was the one bit of gear that was supposed to be provided by the Council – the stumps.

I say the Council, in fact it’s not any more.  They’ve outsourced it to a private company called Active Nation who are now responsible for what used to be Council activities.  In short, they are supposed to provide the fucking stumps and get them to the game.  Apparently they promised to do so.

I imagine that one day in the past, some twat was sat in his front room watching Panorama or something about how the great British public are not active and they all sit on their arse watching Simon Cowell’s shit on TV, rather than participating in outdoor sports.  The twat then probably set up Active Nation to cash in on our inactivity and the fact that we are a nation of fat knackers.  Cheers mate.  The Council, in 19 years of playing, have never fucked up and not provided the stumps…. Game 1 of your tenure and you fuck it up.  Brilliant – now fuck off. 

So, 22 players drove from all over town to get to Millbrook (which is a bitch to get to in rush hour) at personal cost to themselves, fought for parking spaces with the participants at Goals 5-a-side, got changed on the field cos what used to be a changing room down there is now a garage and then had to go home because of Active fucking Nation.  The only consolation is that I got to pull my trousers down outside in Millbrook - which is a first.

The rest of the Mighty Village sloped back off to where they'd come from - even Seasick Steve who is a fucking legend, a bit like Harold Shipman.  Meanwhile, Mackem Rob offered to find out where Mr.Active Nation lives and go and set light to him.

I’m gonna buy some chips, sit on my arse and watch TV.

No more Rain... please.

Barry warms up for the big game

The cricket season starts in the first week of May.  Unfortunately, no one told that to whichever God controls the rain who has basically been having a laugh for the past three weeks and completely trashed everything.

But what of the Mighty Village.... Division 5 was ripped up so badly by the Village last year, that there is no Division 5 any more.  We’re now in Division 3 and tonight we’re playing Ordnance Survey who we first played in 1994.

Yes, tonight we may actually play and the line up is as follows...

1 Colin Day.  Big Dog – Colin is back and he’s hungry

2 Tom Richards.  Tommy 49 – back from Uni and we’re expecting tales of shagging exploits with posh girls from Chichester

3 Tom Huxley – Ronnie Ringer – no idea.  I’m told he gives it some humpty.

4 Sean Tongs.  The Guru – bow down in his presence

5 Steve Paul.  Spaul – now complete with new knee enabling him to run and participate in fielding and all that.

6 Glen de la Cour.  Skip – Bigger though not necessarily better than before with a new set of injuries

7 Phil Jewell.  Danny de Vito – Hollywood legend continuing to slum it with the Mighty Village

8 Jonjo Stovell.  Fox Piss – couldn’t keep him away, though we did try

9 Rob Saunders.  The one Man Mackem Army and Defender of our Country – he’s been away fighting Germans, Argentineans and Martians – but now he’s back.

10 Luke Walsh – Ronnie Ringer – again, I know nothing about him other than Rob telling me that he's a 'bit of a tubby c*nt'

11 Barry Stovell - Harold Shipman - Seasick Steve

So, we’re off to Millbrook Rec where we haven’t played for years... Will the rain hold off and will the wind be blowing the wrong way so we get that lovely whiff of shitters that you always used to get down there.  I hope so as it will remind us all of happier, less complicated times.

COME ON THE VILLAGE!!!