Averages 2013: Who's decent and who's shite!

BATTING	Inns	N/O	BEST	RUNS	AVERAGE
James WILSON	3	1	87	181	90.50
Steve PAUL	5	3	81	144	72.00
Tom RICHARDS	2	1	60	67	67.00
Colin DAY	5	1	82	233	58.25
Tiernan HICK	3	1	70	116	58.00
Jonjo STOVELL	6	2	83	104	26.00
Glen DE LA COUR	4	2	12	15	7.50
ALSO BATTED	Inns	N/O	BEST	RUNS	AVERAGE
Ozair SHEIKH	1	0	23	23	23.00
Rob SAUNDERS	1	0	7	7	7.00
Ryan O'CONNOR	1	0	6	6	6.00
Paul MACDONALD	1	0	2	2	2.00
Ali BRYERS	1	1	9	9	0.00
Jon FEEST	1	1	4	4	0.00
Josh MEAD	1	1	1	1	0.00
BOWLING	O	R	W	ECON	STRIKE	AVERAGE
Rob SAUNDERS	7.5	60	5	7.66	9.40	12.00
Phil JEWELL	19	99	8	5.21	14.25	12.38
Geoff EDWARDS	18.2	166	9	9.05	12.22	18.44
Ozair SHEIKH	17	134	4	7.88	25.50	33.50
Luke BLACKWELL	9	79	1	8.78	54.00	79.00
Steve PAUL	13	88	1	6.77	78.00	88.00
Colin DAY	6	51	0	8.50	999.99	999.99
ALSO BOWLED	O	R	W	ECON	STRIKE	AVERAGE
Ali BRYERS	2	9	1	4.50	12.00	9.00
Sam COUNSELL	3	20	1	6.67	18.00	20.00
Tom RICHARDS	3	24	1	8.00	18.00	24.00
Ryan O'CONNOR	4.1	28	1	6.72	25.00	28.00
Steve WEALL	3	33	1	11.00	18.00	33.00
Jonjo STOVELL	3	19	0	6.33	999.99	999.99
Josh MEAD	3	21	0	7.00	999.99	999.99
Chris COUNSELL	3	24	0	8.00	999.99	999.99
Geoff BALL	3	28	0	9.33	999.99	999.99
Nic FEEST	0.2	4	0	12.00	999.99	999.99
Mike EDWARDS	3	44	0	14.67	999.99	999.99

Rotund Balding Star of Stage and Screen Fires Village to Win over League Leaders

Ooh look, I've Hit the Top of Your Off Stump, Again!

Billy Shite of the Southern Daily Arse, live from the Lordshill Methadone & Syringe Cricket Ground where today there is a top of the table clash between Ordnance Survey and the Mighty Village.  No prizes are handed out at the halfway point of the season but this is a big game and the Village have revenge in mind having been beaten off the last ball in the first game of the season, which was seen as a World Cup Final by a certain wide-assed member of the victorious team.

The need for revenge was obviously lost on some though as many found other things to do on his fine Thursday evening and as a result The Village only had 10 players with a number of bowlers missing in the shape of The Fake Sheikh, Sergeant Sunderland and Rhino Connor.  In the batting line-up there was the biggest of big holes in the shape of the Big Dog.  Tommy Drop took his ‘agree to play and then drop out’ streak to 4 matches which is worth a name on the Honours Board alongside Mick the Teeth.  The Village were:

Jimmy Silverspoon, The Hick, Iron-pumping Meredith, Spaul the Impaler, Fox Piss, Skip, Luke Malinga, Danny de Vito, Geoffray Bentos, Seasick Baz, TIM (The Invisible Man)

Fresh from his starring role in Jewel of the Nile (which I saw on TV last week), Danny de Vito steamed in to bowl off his 2 step run up and after two dots, smashed down the leg stump third ball.  Sadly it wasn’t Bunter who was out but the other opener who looked somewhat confused as to how he missed it.  In came Azharuddin who showed his intend by driving the main man for a 4.  Spaul at the other end was showing marked improvement with his bowling after last week when he was affected by joggers nip and the runs weren’t flowing at all for Bunter who played out a maiden – it’s not so easy playing against adults is it?

Two overs from de Vito and then the first bowling change saw Geoffray Bentos given a twirl and he deduced by using all of his 45 years of bowling experience that a half tracker on leg stump was the way to go.  Bang, fetch that.  Four, four, four.  It didn’t matter whether it was Steak and Kidney, a Cheese and Onion or a Beef pie – it all went the same way.  With Spaul keeping it tighter than The Big Dog’s whites at the other end, surely the second Bentos over would be more on the money and it was as it only went for 26.  He persisted in his tactic of trying to buy a wicket with some more leg theory half track filth in his third over and the chance the Village had all been waiting for since the end of the last game against OS, happened as Bunter edged and with the sound of clashing cymbals so loud that it could have been heard above the whole of the London Philharmonic, the Skip shelled it.  Aaaargh! Of all the people to drop.  A single off the next ball brought Azharuddin on strike and he too was surprised by the ball outside off stump and edged to the Skip who this time held on.  Cue appealing and celebrations and an unmoved umpire and a batsman who clearly knew he’d hit it.  There’s always that moment when you expect the batsman to do the right thing and when he doesn’t, there’s that moment when you’re quite relieved that Sergeant Sunderland isn’t playing but then you think that actually, this bloke deserves to be called a cheating bastard.   What really wasn’t required at that point was Bunter helpfully advising the Skip that he’d a have walked on the one the Skip dropped.  Maybe if there was a fucking Mars Bar in the covers then he might have done.

Spaul finished his decent spell with another tight over which was only slightly messed up by a wonderful bit of spastic penguin boundary fielding as Jonjo ran right, then left, then did some sort of ballet pirouette as the ball sailed between his hands and went for 4.  Azhar was intent on making the most of the fact that he was a cheat when Bentos came back on for his third over.  The Spaul-Skip Brains Trust concluded that you can’t put fielders in the clouds so were powerless as more leg filth disappeared for 6 twice.  Next ball it was all over though as Bentos persisted with the leg side long hops, smash and it came down on the line on top of Meredith who made no mistake.  The stump mic clearly picked up someone saying “Did you fucking hit that one?”.  As Bunter had managed to wheeze and sweat his way up the other end whilst the ball was in the air, he trundled a single to bring the new man on strike and he managed to toe end a catch straight to Spaul at short mid wicket who couldn’t find a legitimate way to get out of the way so he caught it.

There was an awful moment just before the match started when the Skip realised that he only had 4 of his regular bowlers here and there was no real choice but to bowl the Ginger Magician.  The moment had now arrived and the Magic Man declared he was about to impart spin on the ball.  I think it’s technically ball tampering to rub Fox Piss on the ball but there was turn and in all truth, the bowling wasn’t bad.  It was time for some Malinga at the other end and aside from one leg side pearler which the Skip used to demonstrate that fat slow wicket keepers can still dive around, Bunter was kept to scratching around for runs.  The new batsman was a bit of a stereotypical cocky youngster and he played a totally pre-meditated reverse-scoop thing but connected well and slapped it for 4 and fair enough.

With de Vito returning to finish off and the slog about to start, the youngster didn’t pile in,  as a bit of inwards drift accounted for the top of off stump.  Didn’t fancy playing a reverse scoop to that one then?  A relatively tight Ginger over passed before the balding star of stage and screen got two wickets in two balls as both Bunter and his replacement were cleaned up in identical fashion, top of off stump, lovely.  The hat-trick ball was about to be bowled and Barry, being the legend that he is, had come up into a leg slip catching position about 5 yards from the bat and was obviously going to rely on his cat-like reflexes to snaffle the chance should the ball get smashed at him.  It didn’t and OS finished on 122-6.

The Army Killing Machine of Hick and Silverspoon opened the Village innings but the opening bowlers were firing blanks at them and very wide blanks at that.  It had been surmised during the break that OS had 3 good fielders and a couple of average ones, mixed in with some who were more likely to snap a hip then get the ball in quickly.  Big Jimmy Silverspoon immediately dibbed a single into the covers to one of the decent fielders who was so surprised by the stiff upper lipped temerity of it all, that he missed it.

With the laboratory generated offspring of David Luiz and Ryan Sidebottom bowling from the other end, there were no real alarms for the opening pair and so the chuntering in the field started by Bunter.  If he was worried about losing quickly then he shouldn’t have been as I’m sure the chip shops are open at 8pm.  The Killing Machine progressed nicely along for the first 7 overs going at 8 an over, usually by nudging 1s and 2s and then hitting a 4 off of the last ball, just when OS thought they may have a tight over on their hands. 

It was all looking easy and the game was trundling towards an inevitable Village victory until Silverspoon went walkabout and was triggered by Umpire Bentos which brought in Meredith who like a complete pikey, had turned up without his gear and had nicked the Skip’s mercifully rarely used bat, which he used to keep the score moving on in watchful fashion.  At the other end, Hick was showing no signs of missing his fellow Officer and smashed his way past 50 as some of the change bowling was rather to his liking.  The second wicket pair took WES virtually to the finish line but with three overs and five runs to go and with Azharuddin on to bowl, Meredith drove one straight at mid off to depart for 8 and then Hick managed to get out off the next ball, top edging and getting well caught in the gully.

The new partnership of Spaul and the Ginger Magician steadied the ship and Spaul heroically let Jonjo take all the strike and knock off the remaining runs required with two overs to spare.

As the Village trooped off victorious, Bunter was overheard sportingly congratulating the two Village openers on their fine knocks but as the gushing worse on, it became apparent that he was fishing for a compliment back which was expertly ignored by Silverspoon in particular.  Jolly well played Sir. 

Next week, the Mighty Village return to the Centro Dello Sport where they will all walk four miles from the car park and then play against BAT who may or may not have Eddy Grant opening the bowling.  Whoever they have though should be fearful as the Village have just beaten the league leaders and are on the march with 4 league wins in a row and a hunger for more and talking of hunger – The Big Dog is back next week.  Until then, this is Billy Shite for the Southern Daily Arse.