Jonjo in Heroic Non-Striker Marathon Innings as Village Win in League at Last!

Active Nation hard at work preparing the wicket

Billy Shite of the Southern Daily Arse reporting from Basra, Lordshill on the third attempt by the Mighty Village to register a win in the League this season.  The selection committee had thought long and hard and tinkered with the selection of men for the task ahead.  Out went Steve Weall to be replaced by another bloke no one had heard of, Rhino Connor but the major surprise, given the 100% record of the Mighty Village in the league, was that TIM (The Invisible Man) kept his place as a last minute replacement for Sergeant Sunderland who didn’t fancy Basra, the soft Northern bastard.

As the Skip was getting changed, Spaul was sent out for the toss with clear instructions to win the toss and bat so he duly lost the toss and didn’t bat.  The Skip, in a well planned out tactical move (and not because The Sheikh didn’t want to open the bowling and Sunderland hadn’t turned up), threw the ball to Rhino for the first over and he steamed in to Serious Opener who nudged him down to Seasick Steve at fine leg and among Village shouts of ‘powerarm’ and ‘have him’ and ‘don’t risk it mate’, turned down the second run and didn’t see the funny side as Village fielders all pissed themselves laughing as the throw winged in on the 5^th bounce. The other opener didn’t last too long as he skewed a shot straight at Spaul at mid wicket who couldn’t move out of the way quick enough and so he caught it. 

The reluctant Spaul was then on to bowl but not before we had a delay for the Village fielders to attempt to move the slightscreen at the behest of Serious Opener.  When the Village play them next, I hope it’s at Millbrook so we can offer to move the screen which is just a vandalized frame that you can drive a car through.   With the new batsman shuffling across in front of his stumps every ball, an lbw was on the cards and so it proved as he shuffled across and got hit on the foot about six inches in front of middle stump with the ball heading straight for the bottom of middle stump.  I guess you could argue that the ball would have hit the bottom of middle stump and therefore the bails may not have come off so it was given not out in a wonderful display of cheating or incompetence.   No umpire intervention was needed to save the batsman a few balls later as she drove one straight at Spaul who instinctively got out of the way even though it was off his own bowling.  Yep, the only way he was going to get out was bowled and the off stump shuffle exposed the leg stump which got hit.

After two decent Rhino overs, Geoff was on and there was a short delay whilst a few players moved their cars from the cow corner car park.    Aside from Serious Opener, B&Q were struggling to score too many though they could have sorted you out with some Cillit Bang if you needed to know which aisle it was on.  “Great shot” went the cry as the new batsman connected and then they looked to see the ball sailing straight to Spaul and his Bucket Hands on Long on boundary.  Again he couldn’t abdicate responsibility to someone else and again it was bagged.

The Blackwell enigma came on to bowl to see if he could improve on the platter of shite and onions he served up on Monday and after the initial wide it was decent stuff from the big man even though Serious Opener had been joined at the crease by a left handed slog merchant.  Having warmed up for 8 overs, the Wizard of Ozz was now ready to bowl and his first over saw the end of Serious Opener as he played and missed and then bizarrely went for a little walk to see the stumps thrown down by the Skip who in that instant, worryingly looked like a proper keeper.  Ozzy appealed for the dismissal to be recording as a stumping and was politely laughed out of town by the rest of the Mighty Village.

The Rhino was back for his last two overs and was impeded by an umpire who obviously decided that B&Q hadn't scored enough and needed help.  As the batsman backed away, a ball that was six inches outside off stump was called a wide.  When Rhino followed the backing away batsman, a ball that flicked off his backside was also given as a wide as the Skip tumbled down the leg side to stop it.  The next one crashed into his pads and it was close but not ever worth asking for to be honest.  B&Q got desperate at the end and tried to blindly smash every delivery from The Sheikh to Romsey but if you do that with your eyes shut when the ball is spearing in at the stumps, only one thing is going to happen and it did, 3 times as B&Q finished on 93-7.

Anyone who was expecting a blistering run chase and a quick finish was to be sadly mistaken as the Big Dog and Spaul set about building an innings having been reinstated as the opening partnership after the brief experiment of having a ginger opener.   Tight bowling played a part as aside from one out-of-character aggressive shot from Spaul, the boundaries completely refused to flow.  After 6 overs, the Mighty Village were going along at 5 an over but the change bowlers brought a change in the run rate as Ramamnotenoughroominthescorebookforhisnamekrishnan was despatched by the Big Dog.

There is always a good chance that if bowlers 3 and 4 are not great, that bowler 5 will be worse and so it proved as Reddy came on, or Reddytogoandlookfortheballinthenextfield to give him his full name, with a whack whack here and a whack whack there and the Big Dog feasted on the buffet with a 4,4,6,4 and then a beautifully timed single to steal the strike.

Bowlers 6 and 7 disproved the earlier theory and they should have been on much earlier but they were running out of runs to play with by this time.  The Big Dog moved to 50 before his junior partner tried to finish the game and drilled one straight to the bowler who surprisingly hung onto it meaning Spaul had gone for a solid 34.  In came the demoted Foxpiss abut he could only watch on aghast as the Big Dog was neutered by a kind of shit long hop which bowled him for 51. 

With the score already on 91, it just took a 2 to bring the scores level and a 4 to get us over the line and neither of these scoring shots were executed in a Ginger fashion which meant that The Mighty Village had won by 8 wickets but also that Jonjo had heroically carried his bat for an average preserving 0 not out.

So, The Mighty Village are up and running in the league and the selectorial shambles of the season so far appears to have unearthed another gem in Rhino.  Expect to see The Mighty Village cutting a swathe through the division as the season progresses as they take the confidence of victory into their next matches.  Next up is Blake Lapthorne who last time had this very strange umpire who gave a 4 against The Village when Seasick Steve had clearly saved it and told the umpire that he’d saved it.  Dodgy solicitor bastard.

This is Billy Shite, reporting from Basra, Lordshill Province.

Village in Cup Rampage as Big Dog and Tommy tame Basra Minefield

Geoff, complete with holiday suntan, celebrates pitching one up.

Billy Shite of the Southern Daily Arse reporting from Basra, Lordshill where the Mighty Village take on Friends CC in the Cup.  The sun is shining and it’s testament to the power of cricket that out of respect for the game, there are no bombing raids due and the opposing factions are giving it a rest for the afternoon.  Defending a 100% record of defeats, The Village will be looking to use this Cup game as a way to kick start their season but the very excitable and very keen looking Friends CC will provide stiff opposition.  The Village selection committee again had issues and many changes were made as the blood letting following The Shire defeat saw MacDonald, Ball, Jewell, Big Feest, Jewell and Delmege all savagely dropped and replaced with Geoff and his Baselayer Skin, Big Lukey Blackwell, Little Tommy 49, Steve Weall – a bloke no one had ever heard of and the Ginger Magician himself, Jonjo Stovell.  So, 6 out and 5 in and a recall for TIM, the invisible man.

This game was of course, supposed to be played a week ago when The Village only had 7 men but a double booked pitch and a hasty retreat to the pub meant that here we were again a week later.  At the toss, The Village only had 8 men present and so Friends CC took great pleasure in putting themselves into bat.

It became apparent during The Sheikh’s first over that The Village were bowling at Gordon Greenidge as he smashed everything wide to the boundary.  There was some serious hitting going on at  the other end too but debutant Steve Weall  got the first wicket by knocking back his off stump.  All this achieved was to bring in Ranatunga who obviously had a packet of biscuits in his bag that he wanted to finish as he tried to smash everything including one which he smashed at Seasick Steve in the field who looked like he tried to head it as his cap flew off.

With the opposition rattling along at 11 an over, Skip needed an element of control and he needed a "Go to" bowler, so he threw the ball to Geoff in the same way that Ricky Ponting used to throw it to Shane Warne.  It is doubtful though that Warnie would have bowled 4 half track pies which got the full Ranatunga treatment but it did at least give us the opportunity to marvel at Jonjo’s running style as he chased the ball in a race to the boundary that he was always going to lose.  Big Lukey B is on at the other end and the man with the stuttering run up which occasionally stutters so much that he has to apologise and start again, bowled some pies but he did the business as Ranatunga got an edge which flew straight into the right glove of a very surprised looking Skip who didn’t actually move aside from throwing an arm up.

The Friends skipper now came in and he was annoying because he was left handed but a massive score was still on the cards but Gordon was gone, pinned in front by the surprise of seeing Geoff pitch one in his half.  In came a new batsman and edged to the standing up Skip first ball and he really didn’t want to walk but the whole of West Southampton knew that he’d hit it so he had to go.

With Geoff now putting it in the right areas and it being apparent that less pace was more successful, a normal captain would have brought Tommy Drop on.  The Mighty Village Skip did bring on Tommy Drop for some tweak but his criteria was ‘because he’s not ginger’.  Tommy was generating some serious sideways movement on his leg breaks and though he occasionally dropped too short and got mullered, there were a lot of dot balls in there as the right-handers fished and missed and eventually one overbalanced and got stumped.

The fact that less pace meant more success was lost on The Sheikh as he bowled his last over at a serious lick causing one batsman to top edge into orbit to be pouched by the Skip who had enough time to think about how everyone would take the piss if he dropped it.

There was a distinct air of smugness at the total of 144-6 which Friends clearly thought was going to be more than enough.  The Skip sent in the Big Dog and Jonjo Foxpiss as the openers with Spaul wishing to hide in the middle order like he’d hidden at fine leg during the fielding effort.   The target looked very far away when Foxpiss scored 6 off two balls before dollying up a simple catch to the bowler which brought in Tommy 49 to partner the Big Dog.  Before the next ball was bowled to Tommy, some chirp from the field with a “come on boys, run through them”.  Tommy was then dropped at square leg before he had scored – would that be costly?

Ranatunga is steaming in to bowl and he looks fired up as the Big Dog smote him for 4.  He gets progressively more angry and bowls progressively shorter for the next 3 balls as each one disappears for 4.  The Big Dog loves a diet of long hop shite.  The chirping from the field was now getting amusing with each 4 being followed with a “let’s have a response boys”, long hop, bang, 4 ,  “let’s have a response boys”, long hop, bang, 4.  Like Friends CC did, The Mighty Village are going at 10 ish an over and then it happened, The Big Dog ran a 2.  In order to prevent another Muamba incident, the defibrillator was on the pitch in an instant which is the one advantage of playing in a warzone.

10 overs gone and 100 for 1 and the main threat to the Village winning would be losing a wicket and new men having to bat in the gathering darkness, not being helped by a new bowler who was running in from the boundary before bowling medium pace.  Key moment alert as the Big Dog lobbed one straight to the skipper at mid wicket who shelled it.  The chirp of “a dot ball is a good ball lads” was amusing.  Of course, I’d rather have a dot ball than catch a batsman who is smashing it everywhere.  The progress was unrelenting but Friends did get another of those valuable dot balls as Tommy was shelled in the deep after he clearly said “oh shit” as his attempted straight drive skewed straight to a fielder.

Both batsmen passed 50 and so we arrived at 2 overs left and 6 runs required.  A run off a wide and a four later and it was all over and a glorious cup victory and there was no longer an air of smugness around and there was no chirping.

So, a massive first victory of the season for the Mighty Village who will be hoping to take that form into the next league game and haul themselves off of the bottom of the league.  The Cup run is now in progress but what awaits is a horrible draw against the current SECL Champions Hedge End Hawks.  The Mighty Village, all 10 of them looked like a decent side tonight so you never know.

Billy Shite of the Southern Daily Arse, reporting from Basra, Lordshill.

Village v Shire

Report to follow

Fixture Balls Up saves Friends from getting beaten by 7 men.

Billy Shite at Hoglands Park for the first Cup game of the season for the Mighty Village as they take on Friends CC who are a new team to the league.  With them being a new team and being called Friends and all that, The Village selection committee took the unprecedented step of only naming only 8 players in the starting line-up.  The 8 men good and true were The Big Dog, Spaul, Skip, Danny de Vito, Seasick Steve and Soldier Sunderland and two debutants in Ozzy Sheikh and Lt.James Wilson who had been dragged out of his ivory tower by the Mackem boy to play with the oiks.

 

Hoglands Park has suffered vandalism by unmentionables over the winter and so only one pitch is available instead of the usual two.  The iffy weather meant that the outfield was clear of students, wino’s and crack heads but there was one problem in that aside from the Mighty Village’s 7 players (The Fake Sheikh never showed up), there were 33 other players from Friends, Hedge End Hawks and Sarisbury.  It turns out that the Village and Friends were supposed to be at Lordshill but no one knew, aside from the groundsman at Hoglands and the groundsman at Lordshill who was probably wondering where everyone was.

 

There were brief discussions as to which match was going to be played but common sense prevailed and the fact that The Village were at the wrong ground meant that the other game took place.  It was nothing to do with The Mighty Village only having seven men and the Skip telling them to go to the pub, quickly.  Friends CC weren’t terribly happy and were smelling a rat but what can you do, when the opposition are all in the pub, except come back and play at Lordshill Rec next week.  Roll on Thursday when The Mighty Village are at Hoglands Park again for El Crappico agsint The Shire, hopefully without two other teams wanting to use the same pitch.

 

Billy Shite at Hoglands Park for the Southern Daily Arse

 

Mighty Village Frustrated as Shit Stops Play

Barry : "I Got Those Mutha-Fukkin Millbrook Shithole Blues"

Billy Shite here, roving Sports reporter for the for Southern Daily Arse.  The second match for the Mighty Village was at Millbrook Wreck against BAT.  The last time they were here, the Village managed a draw due to there being no stumps and they celebrated by all going to the pub.  Today there are stumps but there is impending rain which is starting to fall from the sky as the Skip lost the toss and his opposing skipped mystifyingly decided to bat in the dark later on.

The Village had strengthened from last week with the return of Tommy Drop who had managed to get himself to Millbrook from the wilds of Hythe, Sergeant Sunderland who had returned from shooting fish in a barrel in Cyprus and Paul MacDonald who was selected for his fifth appearance for the Village and so far, not one of those matches has been played.  The players to drop out were The Invisible Man, Black Tracksuited Accountant and Jon ‘The Big Swish’ Feest who volunteered to stand down rather than risk a fight with Seasick Steve over 12^th Man duties.

After a brief pause whilst Umpire Sarge tried to count up to 11, Eddy Grant started his spell and despite threatening to try and wipe every ball so he got out quickly and could go and sit in his car, the Big Dog survived the first over, mainly by missing the balls that he couldn’t see as Eddy Rocked Down to Electric Avenue.  Waqar came on for the second over and immediately bowled a bouncer over Spaul’s head to which the umpiring Skip signalled a bye instead of a no ball.  After a bit of ball tampering with a syringe which he found in the outfield, Waqar bowled another bouncer which Spaul flayed to the boundary, at least we think it was because no one signalled it and you couldn’t see where the corrugated outfield ended and the corrugated field began.  As the rain got heavier, Waqar managed to pitch one up a bit and it rolled along the ground.

With the clear and pungent smell of shit wafting over from the sewage works, an umpire Brains Trust discussion at the end of the over resolved to give it one more over but Gimme Hope Jo’anna, three Eddy Grant deliveries later and the Big Dog got one on the thumb out of nowhere and everyone decided that they were being stupid to try and carry on so we all went to the pub, except Little Feest and Little Counsell who went home to finish their homework.

So all in all it was a complete waste of time with a corrugated outfield and a wicket resembling a minefield, not to mention the rain and the glorious smell of shit.  Next week a double header for the Mighty Village with a Cup game against a new team called Friends on the Monday and a clash of the Titans affair on Thursday in the Village versus Shire derby.  Both matches are at Hoglands Park so expect tales of evicting tramps from the outfield, getting told to ‘fack off’ by chavvy girls and the Big Dog getting distracted by the smell from the inevitable student barbeque on the outfield

This is Billy Shite at Millbrook Wreck for the Southern Daily Arse.

Big Dog Murders Pies but Village Fall to Billy Bunter

Jonjo : Gutted at missing opening game

Billy Shite here at the Centre Dello Sport, reporting on The Mighty Village and their first match of the season against Ordnance Survey.  It’s been a summer of controversy for the Village as they turned down promotion to the heady heights of Division 2 as they couldn’t raise a side for Tuesday nights to remain in Division 3 and give Jonjo at least an outside chance of taking more than one wicket this season.

The selection committee were plunged into chaos in the build-up to this game with a host or regular players being unavailable for one reason or another.  These were Big Lukey B (still at school), Jonjo Ginger Digestive Copper Fox Piss (still at school), Tommy Drop (no bus from Hythe), The Guru (Morris Dancing), The Hoob (nailing a client), Geoff (because he can) and Sergeant Saunders (fighting insurgents in a warzone, sipping Pina Coladas in his uniform by the pool in Cyprus).    Representing the Village were the following:

The Big Dog, Spaul, Skip, The Jeweller, Big Feest, Little Feest, Big Counsell, Little Counsell, An Acountant, Seasick Steve, TIM. 

Yes, TIM (The invisible man) was there again, keeping up his record of at least one appearance in every season since 1993.  Big Feest last played for the Mighty Village in about 1998 when Little Feest was merely a twinkle in his eye and in the intervening 15 years, I’m sure he’s been honing his craft as a batsman.  The other Big and Little combination sees mystery players Father Chris and Son Sam Counsell step up to the plate, thus realizing their dreams of playing cricket at the highest level.  The Skip had been aware of Chris for many many minutes and in true Evening League ringer fashion, kept calling him Andy.  So, 10 players including 4 regulars, 2 kids, 1 bloke no one knew, 1 bloke who hasn’t played for years, 1 accountant in a back tracksuit and a legendary three stringed guitar pickin’ maestro.  Bring it on.

Last year when The Village lined up against OSCC, the game was abandoned without a ball being bowled as there were no stumps at the venue so it’s kind of fitting that there are no stumps this time around either but it’s because the staff at the Centro had lied about htem having been taken up to the pitch.  Away we go and the Skip wins the toss and does the traditional first week in May thing and elected to bat in the light.

The Big Dog will be relied upon for the bulk of the Village runs this year and one thing that doesn’t change from year to year is that the Big Dog loves a pie and if you bowl him pies then he will gorge.  The only question for the fielders was where were they going to have to retrieve the ball from as it disappeared all over the shop.  Meanwhile at the other end, Spaul took one for the team and dobbed a single whenever possible to allow the feeding frenzy to continue.

With the tail starting at 3, it was important for these two to post a big score and the Big Dog was not disappointing as he raced to 50 with a display of superb hitting whilst Spaul amassed 3 with trademark Tavaresqe concentration.  The overs went by and the Village openers continued to carve it up before the Big Dog raced onto 82 and took on one pie too many and was bowled.  The Skip joined Spaul at the crease and immediately stylishly edged a single through his legs to bring him almost level with the dogged opener at the other end.  Two balls later it was all over for the Skip as he chipped on to mid on which brought in Big Feest who mowed a couple of singles using the same trademark shot which he perfected 15 years earlier before flailing and swishing a lot at the final over and not getting many but the Village ended on a very respectable 129 for 2 with Spaul on 24 not out.

OS openers, Bunter and Jayasuria looked like they meant business from the off and The Jeweller found himself carved through the covers for 4 but there was a half chance as Jayasuriya cut to the boundary, just over Big Feest who got a touch.    Spaul was keeping it tight at the other end and the Jeweller broke through in the third over as Jayasuria attempted a big expansive drive and left a big expansive gate to get bowled through. 

A bowling change was needed and with no obvious answers amongst the Villagers, the Skip turned to 13 year old Sam Counsell who was spot on with his off breaks, causing Bunter in particular to struggle to put him away.  All the Gear and No Idea at number 3 was in knots though and was bowled by the baby faced assassin to leave OS floundering with 2 wickets down.  Big Counsell came onto bowl at the other end and kept it tight but his experience gained in coaching a girls team was not enough to stop him serving up the occasional pie which got twatted to the boundary by Bunter.

The fielding effort from the inexperienced Village line up was holding up fairly well with Black Tracksuit Accountant deciding at the last moment that it would be a good idea to use his shins instead of his hands – possibly as there was a tax advantage in doing it that way.  Bunter was getting annoying in that he was panting a lot and delaying things while he tried not to have a heart attack in between deliveries.  The traditional May darkness was setting in so he was causing his own problem really. 

Skip needed to fiddle a couple of overs out of someone and so turned to the Big Dog to wheel down some serious guile and flight and it nearly bought a wicket as Bunter ludicrously decided to try a pre-meditated reverse sweep and edged to the Skip who dropped it standing up, impeded by a combination of darkness, grunting, sweat, a flashing blade and mainly by an enormous arse which meant he struggled to see the ball.  Another edge carried over the Skip’s head as the Village struggled in search of a wicket which would have brought a new man to the crease who would have to adjust to playing cricket in the dark.

And so it came to pass that the last over arrived with 21 required and Spaul to bowl it.  No matter where he bowled it, Bunter connected and he battered 20 off 5 balls to bring the game level before scrambling a run off the last ball to win it and then he let himself down by celebrating like he’d single handedly won the Ashes instead of an Evening League Division 3 game against 4 regulars, 2 kids, some non-cricketers and Seasick Steve who had fielded like the legend that he is.

It was a good performance by the Village considering the withdrawals from the squad but as The Skip commented afterwards, “fat bastard”.  Next week The Mighty Village will seek their first win of the season against BAT at Millbrook Wreck.  Sergeant Saunders will be back, as will Tommy Drop and so The Village will have a couple of extra tools in the toolbox and big tools at that as they try to get as many wins as they can before Jonjo returns on bail.

Billy Shite, Centro Dello Sport for the Southern Daily Arse.