Wardy Fumes as Village Slump to Shit Defeat

 

Wardy is Not Happy

 

Billy Shite here, reporting for the Southern Daily Arse, live from one of the iconic cricket venues of the Western world, Sports Centre Pitch 2 in the cold and the rain. 

 

The Mighty Village arrive with an unchanged team which is fair enough following last weeks win.  At the time of the toss, there was sunshine and with the B&Q skipper calling incorrectly, The Skip decided to bat.  Straight after that decision the weather changed and it pissed down for 5 minutes meaning that Jamie the Beautiful and Tommy Tantrum strolled out to bat on a wet track, surrounded by wet outfield.  Jamie was not looking as beautiful as normal as he turned up without his kit and amusingly as he’s small and perfectly formed, borrowed kit off of The Skip and the Big Dog, the two biggest blokes in the team.  So, looking like a kid whose just been presented with random cricket gear in a shoebox appeal – Jamie went out to bat. 

After a delay for the late arrival to get off the pitch and wait for the end of the over, a succession of proper cricket shots followed which brought one run each when usually it would have been 4.  Tommy was mixing proper shots in with the odd big fucking mow with his eyes shut when if his bat got to within a yard of the ball, he was doing well.  Jamie had progressed beautifully to 22 before being hit on the pad in the pumbiest lbw ever and the umpiring Skip couldn’t not give it.  If he’d known what was to come later then he wouldn’t have given it if all three stumps had been on the ground.  Tommy was up next as he missed a big mow to a ball that was unfortunately straight.  The Big Dog and Stovell kept things ticking over until The Big Dog neded his innings just as it was getting going by spooning a big leading edge / toe ender up in the air and being caught.  Pakey, smarting from his demotion below the Ginger Prince in the batting order immediately showed what he was about by mullering a full toss for 6 before, in another umpiring mishap, there was a dead ball as the bowler bowled before the fielder was back on the pitch and on the re-bowled ball, Pakey was cleaned up.

Spaul came in to partner the Ginger One and the singles and 2s flowed with the Mighty Village finishing on 106-4 with Brocky not getting a bat after being padded up for 5 overs.  Maybe he would take out his frustration with some severe pace bodyline bowlng.  Or maybe not.  The mighty Village attack was going to have to bowl better than last week to keep them below 106. 

It’s always amusing when one opposition umpire is umpiring from both ends, especially when he’s standing about two feet outside the line of the stumps in an obvious display of not having a clue.  Then you had the square leg umpire who was standing one the line of the stumps, rather than the crease.  Neither could understand English when they were told.  With both the openers looking decent, it was fucking scandalous when the older slower opener was run out by miles and the square leg umpire didn’t give it.  Being charitable, I guess it’s hard to tell from where he was standing. 

Wardy struck to remove one opener as he clipped it straight to the Big Dog who was grazing at mid wicket and luckily, did not have to move.  The other opener was making the most of his 2^nd Innings but the scoring was being restricted by Brocky and Wardy aside from the occasional full bunger which disappeared.  No sign of a wicket though until Rhino came on and landed one on the grass which beat him all ends up and bowled him which was the only way we were going to get him out.  Great team player he was as he bowled, then batted, then pissed off before the end.  The new man in highlighted that the first 4 batters had been the first 4 bowlers so maybe there’s a clue as to the non-decisions and the abysmal umpiring. 

It looked for a minute that the Village were going to win it with 20 required off the last 3 overs but a couple of big hits over the cow and a comedy attempted catch by Tommy Tantrum changed all that and despite a comedy run out when the scores were tied, it was plain sailing for B&Q as the darkness and the rain came in and they won with an over to spare. 

In his post match interview, Wardy suggested that there may have been cheating fuckers in the opposition and the post match pub debate centrered on ‘cheating or clueless’ and if there really was a difference.  We tried to grab a word with the Skip but he only saluted with his middle finger.  The Village should not be over concerned with this defeat though as they definitely got a raw deal from the weather and some rather questionable umpiring.

Next up the Village are at another Test standard ground at Turnpike Lane which is always criminally overlooked for Ashes Test in favour of Cardiff which is a shithole where it always rains.  Hedge End Jams stand in their way as they try and get the season back on track.

This is Billy Shite, Sports Centre Pitch 2, In the Fucking Rain.

 

 

Village Triumph as Ginger Tosser Edges Winning 6

 

Jamie: Just Beautiful

 

Billy Shite of the Southern Daily Arse here at the Centro Dello Sport and every time I come here I marvel at the majestic beauty of the broken sightscreens and smile at the fact that the car park is three miles away from the changing room which is a further 3 miles from the pitch.

The Mighty Village selection committee had delved back into the past and come up with Tommy Tantrum, The Ginger Magician and International Film Star Phil de Vito – Legend.  Talking of Legends, Barry was in the house and 12^th man.  The rest of the team was made up out of the usual twats.  There were a couple of twats missing though as Geoff was resting himself before his transition openeration and Sarge Saunders was off on some top secret mission somewhere in the interests of National Security.

The Skip had one job which was to win the toss and not have to bat in the dark and he failed with The Village having to bowl first.  With the experienced opening partnership of de Vito and Spaul, the runs were kept down and all was looking good as Spaul pinned one opener lbw and then the other opener sliced a de Vito delivery straight to Brocky.  At the crease now was a South African and a bloke who was shit scared and backing away at every ball.  

 

There is always a chance in the first game that one or t’other of your bowlers is going to have a mare and sadly, Brocky and Rhino managed to send down 4 overs between them for 55 runs as the fielding effort went to shit and the Skip found it difficult to set a field for hip high full tosses on leg stump as you can’t put fielders in the trees.  Wardy would surely do better but 18 off his first over proved otherwise though he wasn’t helped by some horrific fielding with Jamie the Beautiful, beautifully pulling his hand out of the way of one chance which is worthy of ridicule, even though none of the rest of us would have got anywhere near it.  Brocky did eventually get things right and the Village tightened up a bit at the end with de Vito returning to claim the scalp of the guy who backed away every ball by bowling at the three, very visible stump to end with 4 overs for 6 runs and 2 wickets.  NATS ended on 128.

 

The Village needed a beautiful opening partnership so the Big Dog was put at No.3 and Tom and Jamie the Beautiful went in.  As boys and girls swooned in the crowd, the dashing pair started mowing the ball around and the score bounded on.  So moved by the spectacle unfolding in front of him, Phil de Vito committed to play the whole season on the spot whereas up to that point, he was only going to be available occasionally.  I think that Kevin Pietersen would sign for The Village if he could witness the Beautiful opening pair in full flow.

 

And then one of the beautiful bastards got out as Tom (27) picked out a fielder who juggled the ball but managed to hold on despite never actually looking like he knew what he was doing at any point.  Without his partner in Beautiful, Jamie struggled to maintain concentration with the Big Dog (who was beautiful back in the day I’m sure) and got bowled for 34 to bring in The Pake.

Pakey and the Big Dog carried on the good work that the Beautiful ones had started and despite many ‘one more and we’re through them’ shouts from the over optimistic NATS fielders, the Village marched on until Pakey was bowled for 22 to bring in Scholesy.  In an object lesson of counting to 5 and then nicking the strike, the Ginger Magician not only nudged The Village into a winning position but severely pissed off The Big Dog at the same time.  It came to pass that the Mighty VBillage needed 6 off the last over to win and the NATS skipper took responsibility and bowled the last over.  In he bounded and send down a rank long hop on leg stump which the Ginger Prince bottom edged for 6.  The bowler sank to his knees like Brett Lee in that iconic 2005 scene with Freddie Flintoff but instead of a consoling pat from the opposition, everyone ignored him expect for one of his own team who clearly said ‘cunt’ as he walked past.  The Big Dog finished unbeaten on 25. 

So, the Village odyssey starts off with a win in the first game of the season for the first time in about 3 years.  Can they make it 2 out of 2 in the next game against B&Q next week, a team with notoriously shite umpires and irritating players.  Tune in next week to find out. 

This is Billy Shite for the Southern Daily Arse at The Ageas Sports Centre.

Village Season Preview 2015

 

 

Joey... Mad For It!

 

Billy Shite of the Southern Daily Arse here with a preview of the season ahead for The Mighty Village as they begin their Division 2 odyssey at the Sports Centre against NATS.  The player roster has remained relatively unchanged with the only loss being the Australian import Elijah Turriff-Smith who has the excuse that he is in Australia.  As he struggled to get to games when he lived in Hythe, I think we can rule out him getting a cheap flight for a Tuesday night in Lordshill.

I can exclusively reveal that the Hythe branch of Mencap are back with the return of Jonjo Foxpiss and Tommy 49 to the fold having missed most of the last two years with a mixture of apathy and lack of motivation.  Now they’re back though and Tom can drive a car now so no excuses, entertaining though they were, especially the cat ones.  Luke Blackwell also returns to the squad having spent two years remodelling his bowling action so we’re expecting him to be brilliant. 

 

 

Jonjo: He's Back

Due in part to the new rule this season of ‘anything down the leg side is a wide’, The Skip and his selection committee have decided to create a ‘Special Guest Bowler’ position in the squad. It is hoped that one of these will be available each week.  The list consists of ex-villager Danny de Vito who is of course a legend.  It also contains the name of Kelvin Sequeira who will occasionally defy his broken knees and his wife’s work hours to play.  It also contains the name of Mike Edwards whose rise to cricketing superstardom is still be held back by injuries including Plague, Missing bones, No boots, Piles and Thrush.

Last years regulars are all back with people who sometimes can bat (Jamie and his Creatine Arse, The Big Dog who this year will be able to see, The Bald Dog), people who can sometimes bowl (Sarge Saunders, Baselayer Geoff and Rhino Connor) and those that can sometimes do neither  (Spaul, Brocky and especially Wardy).  Then there’s the Skip behind the timbers though his summer has been disrupted by the discovery that in 1781, there was a marriage in Jersey between an Edouard de la Cour and an Anne Le Brocq.  Having spent last season assuming Brocky was related to Spaul, purely on grounds of physical deformity – the truth may be somewhat more alarming.

Then of course there are the specialist fielders with the Legend that is Seasick Barry who is a fucking legend and no mistake.  If anyone else is needed then there’s the fallback option of Joey Deacon if he’s not biting his shoulder, belming or writing a book by poking a typewriter with a sucker pad on his forehead.

Oh yeah, the cricket.  Well it’s division 2 innit and a lot of the teams that were played last year including NATS, B&Q, Sydenhams, Fowler and Skandia.  Also in the league are Hedge End Jams who the Village met two years ago when they turned up with 8 players.

The time is now... bring it.

Billy Shite
Southern Daily Arse