Big Dog Murders Pies but Village Fall to Billy Bunter

Jonjo : Gutted at missing opening game

Billy Shite here at the Centre Dello Sport, reporting on The Mighty Village and their first match of the season against Ordnance Survey.  It’s been a summer of controversy for the Village as they turned down promotion to the heady heights of Division 2 as they couldn’t raise a side for Tuesday nights to remain in Division 3 and give Jonjo at least an outside chance of taking more than one wicket this season.

The selection committee were plunged into chaos in the build-up to this game with a host or regular players being unavailable for one reason or another.  These were Big Lukey B (still at school), Jonjo Ginger Digestive Copper Fox Piss (still at school), Tommy Drop (no bus from Hythe), The Guru (Morris Dancing), The Hoob (nailing a client), Geoff (because he can) and Sergeant Saunders (fighting insurgents in a warzone, sipping Pina Coladas in his uniform by the pool in Cyprus).    Representing the Village were the following:

The Big Dog, Spaul, Skip, The Jeweller, Big Feest, Little Feest, Big Counsell, Little Counsell, An Acountant, Seasick Steve, TIM. 

Yes, TIM (The invisible man) was there again, keeping up his record of at least one appearance in every season since 1993.  Big Feest last played for the Mighty Village in about 1998 when Little Feest was merely a twinkle in his eye and in the intervening 15 years, I’m sure he’s been honing his craft as a batsman.  The other Big and Little combination sees mystery players Father Chris and Son Sam Counsell step up to the plate, thus realizing their dreams of playing cricket at the highest level.  The Skip had been aware of Chris for many many minutes and in true Evening League ringer fashion, kept calling him Andy.  So, 10 players including 4 regulars, 2 kids, 1 bloke no one knew, 1 bloke who hasn’t played for years, 1 accountant in a back tracksuit and a legendary three stringed guitar pickin’ maestro.  Bring it on.

Last year when The Village lined up against OSCC, the game was abandoned without a ball being bowled as there were no stumps at the venue so it’s kind of fitting that there are no stumps this time around either but it’s because the staff at the Centro had lied about htem having been taken up to the pitch.  Away we go and the Skip wins the toss and does the traditional first week in May thing and elected to bat in the light.

The Big Dog will be relied upon for the bulk of the Village runs this year and one thing that doesn’t change from year to year is that the Big Dog loves a pie and if you bowl him pies then he will gorge.  The only question for the fielders was where were they going to have to retrieve the ball from as it disappeared all over the shop.  Meanwhile at the other end, Spaul took one for the team and dobbed a single whenever possible to allow the feeding frenzy to continue.

With the tail starting at 3, it was important for these two to post a big score and the Big Dog was not disappointing as he raced to 50 with a display of superb hitting whilst Spaul amassed 3 with trademark Tavaresqe concentration.  The overs went by and the Village openers continued to carve it up before the Big Dog raced onto 82 and took on one pie too many and was bowled.  The Skip joined Spaul at the crease and immediately stylishly edged a single through his legs to bring him almost level with the dogged opener at the other end.  Two balls later it was all over for the Skip as he chipped on to mid on which brought in Big Feest who mowed a couple of singles using the same trademark shot which he perfected 15 years earlier before flailing and swishing a lot at the final over and not getting many but the Village ended on a very respectable 129 for 2 with Spaul on 24 not out.

OS openers, Bunter and Jayasuria looked like they meant business from the off and The Jeweller found himself carved through the covers for 4 but there was a half chance as Jayasuriya cut to the boundary, just over Big Feest who got a touch.    Spaul was keeping it tight at the other end and the Jeweller broke through in the third over as Jayasuria attempted a big expansive drive and left a big expansive gate to get bowled through. 

A bowling change was needed and with no obvious answers amongst the Villagers, the Skip turned to 13 year old Sam Counsell who was spot on with his off breaks, causing Bunter in particular to struggle to put him away.  All the Gear and No Idea at number 3 was in knots though and was bowled by the baby faced assassin to leave OS floundering with 2 wickets down.  Big Counsell came onto bowl at the other end and kept it tight but his experience gained in coaching a girls team was not enough to stop him serving up the occasional pie which got twatted to the boundary by Bunter.

The fielding effort from the inexperienced Village line up was holding up fairly well with Black Tracksuit Accountant deciding at the last moment that it would be a good idea to use his shins instead of his hands – possibly as there was a tax advantage in doing it that way.  Bunter was getting annoying in that he was panting a lot and delaying things while he tried not to have a heart attack in between deliveries.  The traditional May darkness was setting in so he was causing his own problem really. 

Skip needed to fiddle a couple of overs out of someone and so turned to the Big Dog to wheel down some serious guile and flight and it nearly bought a wicket as Bunter ludicrously decided to try a pre-meditated reverse sweep and edged to the Skip who dropped it standing up, impeded by a combination of darkness, grunting, sweat, a flashing blade and mainly by an enormous arse which meant he struggled to see the ball.  Another edge carried over the Skip’s head as the Village struggled in search of a wicket which would have brought a new man to the crease who would have to adjust to playing cricket in the dark.

And so it came to pass that the last over arrived with 21 required and Spaul to bowl it.  No matter where he bowled it, Bunter connected and he battered 20 off 5 balls to bring the game level before scrambling a run off the last ball to win it and then he let himself down by celebrating like he’d single handedly won the Ashes instead of an Evening League Division 3 game against 4 regulars, 2 kids, some non-cricketers and Seasick Steve who had fielded like the legend that he is.

It was a good performance by the Village considering the withdrawals from the squad but as The Skip commented afterwards, “fat bastard”.  Next week The Mighty Village will seek their first win of the season against BAT at Millbrook Wreck.  Sergeant Saunders will be back, as will Tommy Drop and so The Village will have a couple of extra tools in the toolbox and big tools at that as they try to get as many wins as they can before Jonjo returns on bail.

Billy Shite, Centro Dello Sport for the Southern Daily Arse.