Vikings Raped and Pillaged by Big Dog and Spaul

Jonjo: This is a fucking bat

Billy Shite here to report on Cup Fever as it grips the cricketers of the Mighty Village as they arrive at the Centro Dello Sport to match up against a team from the league above, Vespasian Vikings.  With confidence high following their opening win of the season, the Village selection committee made minimal changes with Tom Huxley making his long awaited debut (long awaited that is, after Stumpgate) and the World’s Nicest Lawyer Nigel Hubbard, managing to not drop out of this game at the last minute.  Shagger Blackwell was missing in action we assume and Soldier Rob was off on target practice at cardboard cut outs of Syrians.

The Cup draw had opened up a possible path to a Rose Bowl Final (I will never call it the Ageas Fucking Bowl) but this path was there for the team that lost and got dumped into the Plate competition.  Odd that one should think of losing a match on purpose on the 10^th anniversary of Hansie Cronje’s flying lesson.  Cricket’s anti-corruption unit have reported some strange betting patterns.

The Skip was unprofessional and late thanks to Southern Railways and so Spaul won the toss and decided to bat.  The Big Dog and the Hux set off at a brisk pace and both peppered the boundary as the Vikings defied logic and kept the same bowlers on who were getting battered.  The Hux was entering into the Village way of things by moosing away before in true Village opener fashion, missing a straight one and being bowled for 16. 

At the NATS match after bowling 2 overs for 80, Jonjo the Fox had asserted that he was now a batsman.  What is the cup if not an opportunity to try things and so in came the Ginger Magician at number three.  A true magician could play cricket without a fucking bat and this is what Jonjo tried to do, shouldering arms to the first ball and getting rapped on the pads as he held his bat above his head.  No lbw decision was forthcoming because the ball wasn’t straight but in this reporter’s opinion, if you shoulder arms in a 16 over game, you should be given out anyway and than made to stand still whilst the rest of your team throw cricket balls at you… especially when you do it again two balls later and this time get given out.  Jonjo trudged off to be met by the rest of the Village pissing themselves laughing and just Barry giving his son the cold hard Shipman stare.

In came to Guru to steady the ship and allow the Big Dog to play a series of expansive drives which all ended with him studying the cloud formations.  Unfortunately, it was a fielder studying the clouds next as he waited for the ball to drop with snow on it and the Big Dog was gone to bring in the hero of last week, Spaul.  Fears of a collapse were averted as Spaul in particular was served up some serious pie to swat away to the boundary as he again showed the touch of a man in a rich vein of form.  The Vikings rotated their bowlers with an Edgar Davids look-a-like providing some searing pace from one end even though he did look like he was going to fall over after every ball.  It was chanceless and it was fearless and the Village made their way to 113-3 off their 16 overs which was not a bad effort.  Spaul finished on 32 not out and the Guru finished on 17 not out which was 10 more than Tommy 49 thought he had.

With no soldier to open the bowling, the Skip had to find another opening bowler to keep things tight up top so having banished Jonjo to the furthest boundary, decided to open with the Jeweller and the Spaul.  The Jeweller was predictably miserly and then Spaul continued his rich vein of form by deceiving a batsman who wasn’t expecting a 4^th arm ball in a row, with his ‘arm ball’ .  In came a bloke wearing blue shorts instead of whites and in a move that was very off-putting for the close fielders, appeared to have one leg of them tucked in his pants.  The opening four overs went for next to nothing and next came the Queen of Mean as Geoff continued the good work and clean bowled the other opener.

Tommy 49 came on for his first proper bowl for the Village and initially struggled to pitch the ball on the green flattish bit and the Viking pillaged a few runs but no real alarms as the run rate was going up and up.  It was time to introduce the 5^th bowler and this was due to be the World’s Nicest Lawyer but he didn’t fancy it and so with 10 fielders screaming 'Noooooo', Jonjo was recalled from boundary patrol to wing in some pace.  His first ball actually wasn’t bad but it got crunched for four and the rest were straight enough aside from one horrible leg side wide which had the Skip sprawling on the floor.  With the crater having been repaired, Geoff finished his spell and Jonjo started to make things happen with two run outs, one of which was a very smart Hux to Fox Piss effort.

Boy in shorts had batted well to reach 34 but Tommy 49 had switched ends to where he was deadly.  Maybe it was two yards longer bowling from this end but it pitched and turned and cleaned him up.  Off you go Shorts Boy.  Jonjo finally got the wicket that his bowling almost deserved with a flying edge going straight to the Jeweller who casually palmed it up in the air before taking the catch.  In came Edgar and out went Edgar as Tommy did for him and his wild swipe wasn't really the shot to play to a pitched up turning ball.  The World’s Nicest Lawyer was persuaded to bowl with 36 needed off the last over and apart from one horrible shitty wide, was tight enough and so the Mighty Village had defied the side from the League above them and defied Hansie Cronje and won by 30 runs.

The Shite Verdict:  An interesting game that the Village had designs on losing but either Vespasian Vikings wanted to lose more or the Village just can’t play at anything under 100%.  More will become clear later in the season but for now and next is a game against Southamptonshire and especially Worty at Riverside Park.  Hopefully the bloody great ravine that used to run right across the square is a thing of the past but somehow I doubt it.  Special mention today goes for Barry for some energetic fielding, being a legend and for not laughing at Jonjo’s shouldering arms trick.

Roll on Thursday.