Operation Fox Piss Preview

A new ground to visit for Thursday’s match against HCE and we venture out into the wilds of Lordshill.  After two weeks of hell, getting a team together this week was relatively painless as there were no exams, rock festivals or Test matches at the Rose Bowl to contend with.  After all the effort of last week, it hammered it down and so it was cancelled anyway.

This week we attempt to return to winning ways against HCE who we bowled out for 40 the last time we played them in what will forever be remembered as the ‘I wonder if she smells of Fox Piss’ match.  Having had two weeks to dwell on their first defeat of the season, the Mighty Village will want to get back to winning ways.  The 11 fine men selected for Operation Fox Piss are:

1 Tom Richards
2 Steve Paul
3 Colin Day
4 Shaun Tongs
5 Mike Head
6 Glen de la Cour
7 Nigel Hubbard
8 Jonjo Stovell
9 Phil Jewell
10 Rob Saunders
11 Kev McCarthy

COME ON THE VILLAGE!!!

Pissing Rain Forecast

Pissing Rain - Thursday, Probably.

There comes a time in every season when you are running a side that you suddenly only have about 50% of the players that you actually need to form a team to play a particular match.  Usually it happens once a season but we're beating that particular statistic.  To be fair, there is a Test Match going on at the Rose Bowl and the younger element of the team all have exams about now which not something you normally have to deal with when the average age of the team is 47.  Also, we have injuries and Army manoeuvers to deal with.

Regardless of the distractions, Colin and Phil have agreed to hotfoot it from the Rose Bowl to get down to Hoglands Park by 6.30 and Jonjo is nipping out before a Friday exam and bringing one of his mates and Seasick Steve along to make up the 11.

We were within a couple of hours of the legendary Swoop (my Dad) coming out of retirement to play which would have been amusing as he can't run, catch, bat, bowl, see or go more than half an hour without a pee.

It's forecast to piss down with rain so all this effort may well have been for nowt.  If it does get cancelled I will be ont he phone straight away to make sure that Colin and Phil stay at the Rose Bowl and can watch the rain from there.  If we do get a game then we're playing Carnival who we beat easily a while back, who beat Kerala two weeks back, who stuffed us out of sight last week so how's that for a form guide.

Team is:
1 Sean the Guru
2 Colin Day
3 Spaul
4 Sam Mead
5 Mick the Head
6 Glen de la Cour - that's me, tired and emotional
7 Nigel Hubbard
8 Phil Jewell
9 Jonjo Stovell
10 Kev McCarthy
11 Seasick Steve

Almighty Village in 'Not as Good as they Thought they Were' Shocker

Student Vagrant Takes Rob's Advice to 'Fuck Off'

Billy Shite of the Daily Sporting Arse, here at Hoglands Park for the return match between the Mighty Village and Kerala.  These two met in the first match of the season and the Village were victorious as they started on the road of the 100% record they were defending today.  The build-up to the game had been fraught with selectorial issues and the upshot of this was that the Village took to the field with a line-up with 7 bowlers in it, augmented by Seasick Steve who as he knew in advance that he was playing, had turned up in whites instead of dungarees.  In summary, Spaul, Tommy Drop and Mick the Head were out, Mackem Rob, Geoff the Rash and Seasick Steve were in.

The Guru took over from Spaul as team tosser  for the week and duly did poor tossing despite all the practice he puts in and the Village found themselves in the field, bowling on a track that was so far over one side of the square, it was virtually down the Docks with short boundaries straight at both ends.    No problem for the Jeweller though who wasn’t giving the Kerala openers anything to hit.  At the other end, Mackem Rob was bowling quick and beating the bat but a couple of thickish edges flew for 4.  A feature of the first few overs was the umpire stopping the bowlers run ups to allow the batsmen to prepare themselves... I didn’t think that was part of an umpires job.  The fifth over brought the first wicket as a Jeweller yorker hit him right in front.  It was one of those appeals that wasn’t full-throttle as everyone knew it was 100% out.  After about 10 seconds, the umpire had exhausted in his mind, all the reasons for not giving it and off he went.

After 7 overs and with the Village well on top, the first change of bowling with the new slim-line Geoffrey coming into the attack, fresh from a three week break which ended with a trip to hospital.  First ball full bunger, bang, 4.  Spread out lads!!!  It improved but the undoubted highlight was Kerala taking a quick single to Lookie B who rolled at the stumps – the Skip missed it as he’s a lumbering oaf and Lookie set off after it, just as the batsmen turned blind for a second run.... and got absolutely taken out.  It was the full shoulder under the chin, helmet off, lying on his back on the floor treatment.  Lookie was protesting that he’d taken a dive and there was an element of Christiano Ronaldo about it as the batsman lay in the recovery position trying to get some air back in his lungs.  After a short delay we were off again.

Kevmac came on at the other end and picked up a wicket with an almost identical lbw to the Jewellers one earlier.  Again the umpire took an age but had to give it, though bizarrely, he turned away and gave him out whilst looking at cow corner.  Very strange.  This dismissal brought in a big tall bugger and so the game changed.  Bang 6, Bang 4, Bang 4, oh dear.  It wasn’t just clearing the boundary, it was going miles.  Kevmac and Geoff tried manfully to stem the haemorrhaging of runs but it wasn’t going very well and the run rate increased.  Comedy fielding was beginning to creep in with Mackem Rob pulling off a sliding stop, immaculate in every way other than in the fact that he wasn’t close enough to the ball when he tried it and just ended up in a heap on the floor while someone else did the fielding.

The Hoob was to see some bowling action and his first ball disappeared over the road as carnage took hold.  The rest of the over went for 10 more and so desperate bowler juggling was the order of the day.  Even JJ Gimp got a bowl and his first ball also disappeared though to be fair, Dayer could have caught this one if he’d fielded where the Skip told him, which was half way up a tree.

Slimline Geoff picked up a wicket when he was given the charge and the Skip completed the stumping but unfortunately, it wasn’t the big bugger who was out oh no... he was still smashing it all over the place as he passed 50 with a big carver for 4 which JJ Gimp would have stopped if he wasn’t chatting to his mates on the boundary.  Fully justified abuse followed.  Mackem Rob took the last over and was smashed for 6 with the ball thumping down on the roof of a van.  Carnage and Kerala had gone from 38-1 after 7 overs to 161-3 off 16.

Kerala were chuffed as nuts with their effort but the Village would surely not give up their unbeaten record without a fight.  Dayer and Guru, being the only two batsmen, got he Village off to a decent start with Dayer in particular looking like he needed to get home early.  Having been dropped once, he hit a couple of nice 4s before skying one and getting caught.

The comedy batting order meant that JJ Gimp was in next and he smashed a nice boundary before playing fish and miss for a bit and departing bowled soon after.  Still the Guru was defiant at one end, playing like a man who one upon a time knew how to play and he hadn’t yet forgotten all of it.  In compelte contrast to the technically correct Guru, the Skip flailed away like a man with an inner ear infection, though he did smash his first ball, a head high full toss for 4.  There was an interruption at this point when the Umpiring Mackem Rob had the opportunity to 'move' a couple of interloping student vagrant types from the outfield.  Not sure but there may have been a 'fuck' and an 'off' in his fatherly advice.  A couple of streaky Skip legside boundaries followed before he too was back in the hutch having comprehensive been bowled trying to smash one off the back foot that kept low.

Out came Lookie, looking to give it some biff and to give a shoulder charge to anyone who thought they were hard enough.  He and the Guru stopped the rot and too the Village into the latter overs but unfortunately the run rate required had gone through the roof and there was no one to hit the ball in the road like the big bugger did.  The Guru eventually departed with 3 overs to go for 38 to bring in the Jeweller for his first bat of the season and the Village’s 100% record finally went off the last ball when Lookie failed to hit 44 off of it.

The Village got a bit of a pasting today and though they can point to their absentees, to be honest, it wouldn’t have mattered who had played.  Big guy was going to smash everything and having a couple of extra batsmen wouldn’t have changed that.  It was a short boundary at both ends and he hit very straight and hard.  Fair play.  Bastard.

The Village have a week to pick themselves up and get the temporarily parked juggernaut back on the road when they play Carnival and their nice kit at this same venue… the same Carnival who beat Kerala last week.  Will the Village strike back or will they curl up and die again….

Billy Shite

Daily Sporting Arse

Hoglands Park

Seasick Steve Cancels Gig Shocker

Seasick Steve Warms Up

Kerala at The Parks and a busy week for the West End Saints selection committee who selected players on merit and only came up with 8, one of whom was surprisingly Jonjo despite his ‘sprinkler dance’ bowling from last week.  In truth, the was a statement made that we had too many players and then everyone decided to test that statement by dropping out.  Spaul’s injured knee had blown up to monster proportions,  Luke had done his back in, Tom was at the Isle of Wight festival and  Mick the Head was unavailable for reasons unknown. 

In their stead we eventually got Geoff who has defied the rash (which may or may not involve genitalia) he brought back from Turkey on his Club 18-60 holiday, Rob Saunders who has returned from drinking,  Luke who is playing as a big hitting pinch hitting batsman only and Seasick Steve who has kindly postponed a gig at a festival to play.  There is a rumour doing the rounds that the legendary Mike Edwards may be making an appearance but this will be kept quiet until the last moment for fear or a run on tickets and a stampede of nubile young women like Pippa Middleton ... or more likely, Thora Hird or that old bag who plays Dot Cotton on the telly.

Team is:

1 Dayer

2 Guru Sean Tongs

3 Luke Pinch Hitter Blackwell

4 Glen Billy de la Cour

5 Jonjo Sprinkler Stovell

6 Phil the Jeweller

7 Nigel Hoobard

8 Mackem Rob Saunders

9 Geoff The Rash Edwards

10 Super Kev McCarthy

11 Seasick Steve

COME ON THE VILLAGE!!!!

Proper Village Triumphant in Battle of the Villages

Tom Gets Run Out by Spaul

Billy Shite of the Daily Sporting Arse, here at the Centro Dello Sport for as close to a derby game as you can possibly get in a league that only encompasses one city.  Knowle Village are in town to take on the Mighty Village who are bringing with them one of two 100% records across the five divisions.

The oft shouted ‘Come on the Village’ was first shouted in 2001 by the legendary Mick the Teeth who was fielding on the boundary when he ran to his left, then realized he was going the wrong direction and changing direction and running to the right and overdoing it, necessitating a big dive back to the left as the ball rolled under him for 4.  I mention this story today as the legend was available today but then dropped out through repetitive strain injury which he picked up when beating his meat over a Richard Marx concert.

Consequently, WES were unchanged and with the Skip again delayed – this time by a combination of a late train, road works and leaving his keys at work – Spaul lost the toss and he Mighty Village found themselves inserted.  Chancing his arm with decision making, Spaul decided to send in Dayer instead of himself to open the batting with Tommy Drop which is a decision that the watching crowd of 3 would have been delighted with.

Having decided to bowl, one would normally expect the first bowler to be quite useful but 15 wides in the first over would suggest that he wasn’t.  Quite ridiculous in an unbelievable kind of way and he was unsurprisingly banished to the outfield forthwith.  One positive was that the Skip turned up 20 minutes late and only missed one over.

Over the next 10 overs or so, Knowle Village rotated their bowlers in an effort to find one that could pitch it up and bowl in a straight line but all bowled varying interpretations of the rank long hop which Dayer and Tommy Drop crashed to the boundary at regular intervals.  Tom was working out that Dayer only deals in 1,4 and 6 and his attempt to run a 2 was met with a cold stare and lungs bursting out of his chest.  Spaul’s decision to open with Dayer was being vindicated more and more with each passing flash of the blade as he raced to 50.   Tommy Drop wasn’t keeping up but was timing the ball well and two 6’s in 3 balls over the bowlers head were a delight to see.  

Fed up with all this time consuming running between the wickets, Dayer really started throwing the willow and moved to 72 with a 6,4,6,4 before missing a heave at the sixth bowler that Knowle Village had tried and getting stumped.  Dater throught he was in as his arse was casting a shadow behind the line but he had to go and so in came Spaul to decimate the run rate by blocking out the remainder of the over.

Spaul’s next contribution was to do nothing as Tommy Drop called for a run, leaving the youngster stranded and getting run out.  Still, he accepted it with good grace and I’m sure he didn’t mean it when he asked ‘why didn’t that **** run’.  Guru and Spaul saw it out to the end and despite a farcical near run out off the last ball of the innings, the proper Village had posted an imposing looking 158-2.

In an object lesson to youngsters everywhere about how to bowl in the Evening League, the Jeweller fired in a straight pitched up one and clean bowled an opener who didn’t get near it, bringing a bloke who was about 8 foot tall who immediately turned an attempted short-of-a-length ball into a half volley and smashed it through the covers for 4.    Superkev found his lines pretty quickly but both batsmen looked competent and the Village bowling machine had what amounted to their first challenge of the season.  Both bowlers were repelled for an over each before Superkev got one past the forward lunge of the 8 foot bloke and bowled him.  The Jeweller meanwhile was mixing up over-pitched stuff with wicket taking deliveries and cleaned up another in between getting smashed for a couple of boundaries.

Do you remember one of those dreadful Britain’s Got Talent X Factor type shit shows when there was that Chico twat on there singing ‘It’s Chico Time’…. No ?  Well, it was Jonjo time.  In he steamed off a three yard run up and fired in a big legside wide.  Another three yard run up and a long hop on leg stump, six, over the trees, lost ball.  So, you’ve bowled two shocking deliveries so naturally, the answer is to lengthen your run up to about 15 yards.  It was looking like a repeat of the first over of the match, the over that never ends and memories of his hat-trick at the Parks three weeks ago are a distant memory.  A hat-trick today would be getting 3 balls to pitch on the cut bit.

Mercifully, Lookie was tight at the other end with out getting any luck and looked to the heavens as with the last ball of his second over of shite (the 19^th that he’d bowled), JJ got the wicket he didn’t deserve as Lookie himself held the towering chance which everyone else was glad didn’t come down on them.  The Hoob is improving each week but did seem to suffer from first ball yip as he greeted each over with a first ball wide.  He was this weeks recipient of the Guru fielding masterclass though the Village should have had a wicket when the Knowle best batsman was run out by the usual lethal combination of Tommy Drop and the Skip but not given.

The Mighty Village needed one more wicket to make 100% sure so you bring back Superkev to wobble down another over and clean up the remaining opener who’d batted well for his 48.  Once he was out, the match died a slow painful death as Lookie and the Hoob finished off the bowling and a new batsman came in and played French cricket shots.  There was also some quality bear throwing from the Skip behind the stumps as his fielders enagaged in their favourite pastime of throwing it on the bounce at the feet of the 6 foot 1 wicket keeper who has a dodgy back.

5 out of 5,and winning the Village Derby.  Next up is Kerala who are shaping up to be the only team to have a chance of stopping the Mighty Village juggernaut as it speeds towards the finish line.  Having said that, Knowle Village were by far the best batting side that have crossed swords with the Jeweller, Superkev and the rest of the WES bowling machine and Jonjo.

Billy Shite

Daily Sporting Arse

Centro Dello Sport

Village in Unchanged Team Shocker

Mike Finds Amusement in Being 12th Man

With momentum building as the season goes by, the Village name an unchanged team for the first time ever.  The players in form have been selected again and talented players are left carrying the drinks.  Thousands of women will be gutted at the news that Mick the Teeth will not be on the field despite being available.  Mick the Head is happy as this means that he won't have to share.

This is the only opposition that the Village have yet to play this season and beating all of your opponents in the first round of matches is a pretty good way to set out your stall.  The Village have previous in this area having beaten everyone in the first round of Indoor League Matches one year, only to lose 4 out of the 5 return matches with many hissy fits and much bear throwing.

So, get along to the Sports Centre for a 6.30 start to see the bangwagon gathering pace as The Mighty Village take on the Knowle Village, currently sporting a record of two wins and two losses.  Last time up at the Sporty, the Village chased down an imposing score of 40, in much the same way that Sri Lanka didn't against England.  The West End Saints XI not taking anything for granted will be...

1 Tommy Drop Richards
2 Steve Dot Paul
3 Colin Dayer
4 Sean the Guru, is it you ?
5 Sperm Sprayer Head
6 Glen de la Skip
7 The Hoob
8 Jonjo and his Wanker Sign on the Retreat
9 Phil (not Paul) The Jeweller
10 Lookie 'Guru only does shit fielding off my bowling' Blackwell
11 Supermac

COME ON THE VILLAGE !!!!

Jonjo's Fighting Spirit Shows the Way for The Village

Jonjo Gets Mad

Billy Shite of the Daily Sporting Arse, here at Hoglands Park for the fourth game of the Village Odyssey in Evening League Division 5.  It is threatening to be a case of Juggernaut v Hedgehog as both teams went into the match with a 100% record – the Mighty Village having won all their matches, Blake Lapthorn having not.  In true ‘what the fuck’ evening cricket style, there was a massive barbeque going on behind the bowlers arm on one pitch but luckily, the Village were on the other one – the outfield populated merely by vagrants and students.  Seasick Steve was present in the crowd and all was well with the world.

Having won the toss, expertly carried out using their own coin at their captains insistence (I shit ye not!), Blake Lapthorn decided to bat and out strode a very confident looking chap who sent Spaul into a panic and the words ‘he used to play in the Gold League’ came floating from the mouth of the nasally challenged one.  The Jewellers second ball was despatched to the boundary in classic fashion by the Golden Boy to where JJ went to retrieve it from a spectator who decided to be a twat and throw it the wrong way.  A quick 4 lettered verbal retort from JJ was followed by ‘wanna make something of it ?’ to which JJ ran off to get the ball, giving the Internationally recognized sign for masturbator as he went.  Eventually the ball ended back with the Jeweller whose next ball was sliced by Golden Boy, straight to the Guru at square leg – bye!!!.

All-the-Gear-and-No-Idea was next in and he survived one ball before losing his middle stump and so the Jeweller had made a mockery of the decision to bat first on what was obviously a poor wicket which would flatten out later on like all these immaculately prepared tracks.  Six balls later after the first Kevmac over and it was 7 for 4 as he bowled one bloke who I think must have had rickets and induced another to scoop up in the air for the Jeweller to pouch one of those running catches which can make you look silly if you put your foot in a hole – unlike when you’re sprinting across a beautifully manicured outfield like this one.    At the end of the over, JJ sprinted in to ask if he could be moved as the bloke he had the confrontation with was still out there.  The stump mic picked up The Skip saying “No” followed by “fuck off back over there”.

The Jeweller had one over to take the remaining 6 wickets and he failed to do so, just getting the one wicket as Tommy Drop took a straightforward chance in the covers, as straightforward as the one off a hat-trick ball which he made a total bollocks of a couple of weeks ago.  Kevmac’s second over passed in wicketless fashion and disgusted, the Skip banished his two strike bowlers to the outfield to be replaced by Lookie and the Hoobard.  The Hoob, fired up against his former employers, kept it tight aside from one ball which was a Dawn French ball - short, wide and ugly.  Lookie was bowling in his usual way, with no stock ball and no stock run up which kept everyone guessing including the Guru in the outfield who was doing a decent impression of a tunnel as ball after ball went straight through him.

The score was creeping up towards some sort of respectability as Blake Lapthorn had cunningly hidden someone who could hold a bat, down the order and  I think Nigel used to be his bee-atch when he worked there.  He was at fault however when he took a run to Tommy Drop who combined with the Skip to complete the run out of his partner for yet another duck.  Taking a quick run to one of the young lads is pretty stupid – if he’d taken one to one of the crumbly/fat/both old buggers or to Mikey Sperm Sprayer and his power arm, then fair enough.

Despite no further confrontation on the boundary, big bad JJ was brought into the attack and pinned back the incoming captain with some chin music.  ‘Helmet’ was the call from the middle and JJ thought someone was insulting him again.  The parents in the Village team all nodded knowingly as they were reminded of when their kids were 5 and learning how to dress themselves  as the captain put his helmet on, took it off, took his gloves off, put them back on and then put his helmet back on.  Civilisations have risen and fallen in less time than that.  JJ fired in a yorker which skidded along the ground and the Skip decided that big gloves and pads were not the way to go and that his ankle was the thing to use to stop it.

A partnership breaker was needed and so back came Kevmac to pull off a remarkably casual caught and bowled by standing there with one hand in his pocket and using the other to pluck the ball out of the sky.  In next was that curiosity of evening cricket – the girl.  There are two schools of thought here – you can either say ‘she’s playing in a mans game and therefore no mercy’ or you can take the possibly slightly patronising approach and say ‘slow down a bit boys’.  Alternatively, you can say what JJ says which is not printable, even on the internet.  What shouldn’t happen however is what happened next.  Kevmac couldn’t reduce his pace without throwing it backwards so that wasn’t the issue here.  The lightning quick stumping by the Skip wasn’t the issue here.  The fact that she was a mile out of her ground wasn’t the issue here.  The ‘not out’ decision ‘because she’s a girl’ is the issue here.  This direct quote from the umpire was in response to an angry question posed by the Sperm Sprayer who almost always reaches eruption point with a girl in proximity.

It was funny however when she spanked the Jeweller to the fence after he’d steamed in from his long run with fire coming out of his nostrils.  She was left high and dry a couple of overs later as Nigel’s former beaster was cleaned up by the returning Lookie and JJ finished the job, pinning the last man lbw who looked at the umpire forlornly from his position of two inches in front of his stumps.  She was also let down by the fact they only had 10 players and the request for someone to go back in was politely refused by Spaul who has manners and it’s a good job they didn’t ask anyone else.  Blake Lapthorn finished on 71 all out, about 40 more than they would have got if the Belevolent Village had kept the foot on the throat.

Having paced their run chase to perfection to reach 40 last week, the Village were confident of making the 72 required to preserve their 100% record.  Golden Boy came steaming in, intent to wreaking maximum damage and Dayer treated him with contempt, swatting him to the fence.  The Guru, intent on making more runs than he let through his legs in the field, played the role of junior partner as Dayer, emboldened by The Skip’s request to ‘win it before it pisses down’ got on with it.  Golden Boy fizzled out, Helmet boy bowled pies, Nigel’s fag bowled ok and All-the-Gear-and-no-Idea steamed in from the boundary and then bowled massive long hops which were flayed to all parts.  Highlight of the batting effort was the Guru hitting a classic cover drive for four to where The Skip was standing behind the boundary, until he fell backwards in slow motion over a bag in true Charlie Chaplin fashion.   Derision was also heaped on a fielder who walked over the boundary before throwing the ball back and didn’t signal that it was a 4.  Totally coincidentally, he was the umpire in the ‘girl’ incident.

The Village cantered to 72 for 0 off 10 overs to win by 10 wickets.   There are 5 other teams in this division aside from the Mighty Village and 4 of them have now been dispatched.  The next in line are Knowle Village so we have a bit of a Village battle on the cards.  Sadly, Jonjo’s opponent was not waiting behind the changing rooms at the end but JJ knows he’s up in front of the Village disciplinary committee (Mackem Rob) in a few weeks.  Can you imagine…”How do you plead you Guilty Ginger Bastard?”…

Onwards and upwards and Come on the Village and the final words go to the Hoobard who when asked if he’d exorcised some demons out there, just replied…. “Bastards”.

Billy Shite
Daily Sporting Arse
Hoglands Refuge for the Lost and Bewildered.